Only Old People Watch CFL, Imply Commissioner and Ratings

Television ratings for this year’s Grey Cup were released yesterday, and the numbers were good news for the CFL. In fact, an all-time high of 22 million grandparents, great aunts, uncles, and various other relatives of yours above the age of 50 watched the CFL’s annual championship game on Sunday.

CFL Commissioner Joffrey Porridge was pleased with the news, saying that it was a boon for the league amidst recent concerns that the league’s TV viewership numbers were slipping in recent years.

“This is absolutely positive news for us,” Porridge said. “I know there was some concern with a supposed drop in our television ratings figures, but if this year’s championship is any indication, we have nothing to worry about.” Porridge went on to mutter under his breath, “until the last remaining generation of CFL fans dies.”

Porridge also said that this bump in ratings will likely quash any rumours of the league drastically altering its on-field product in order to attract a more diverse television audience.

“I won’t lie to you; we have been looking at tweaking some rules to get more Canadians interested in the CFL,” Porridge admitted. “Our rules committee had been exploring options such as making the end zones bigger and decreasing the number of downs available to the offense to two, or even one.

“Another option we discussed and actually tested this year was releasing a live rabbit on the field and having a designated player from each team try to catch the rabbit as the game went on. If one of the players caught the rabbit, his team would automatically win the game. The rabbit would be much like the golden snitch in quidditch,” Porridge elaborated.

“But we won’t be doing any of that now. The CFL would never want to do anything that might lessen the integrity of the game of football.”

But Porridge did concede some smaller rule changes would be likely, though.

“We would really like to find a way to increase the amount of rouges scored in games,” he said through a wry smile. “Everyone loves rouges.”

The CFL also sees its aging audience as a way to create further sponsorship revenue.

“We have been looking into increasing the league’s brand synergy with many companies that share our demographic,” said CFL marketing officer Jimothy McDrungle. “The CFL has been approached by representatives from Depends, Medic Alert and Car Cane to create strategic sponsorship partnerships. I have worked with many of these companies while I was director of advertising for daytime TV at CBS. You may be familiar these brands’ ads if you have ever watched The Price Is Right.”

League officials also expressed happiness with the newly released ratings numbers, saying that next year’s Grey Cup game should benefit from the viewership momentum this year’s game generated. The 2016 Grey Cup is scheduled to be played at BMO Field in Toronto and will feature a halftime performance by a Stompin’ Tom Connors hologram.

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