BREAKING NEWS: Phil Larsen Was Still Technically An Oiler, And Someone Else Wanted Him

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I don’t know what’s crazier: the fact that we still owned Phil’s rights, or the fact that somebody else actually wanted him. I swear to God he purposely hit every shin pad imaginable. Phil didn’t just murder power plays, he’d slowly persecute them in the most excruciating way possible until the only logical thing left to do was find the nearest gas station and siphon diesel fluid down your throat. I’m so unbelievably happy that he’s going to Vancouver. God knows what’ll happen to his bodily structure if he suits up for the Nucks against McDavid next year.

PS – This is the best news ever. If someone wanted a player who plays on a different continent and can’t spell “dog” then someone else has to want Justin Schultz, right? Right?!

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