ENS Gameday Preview: Maple Leafs @ Oilers

gary-sparks

Puck Drop: 7:30 MT on SNW (TSN4 in the Six)

What a time to be alive! It’s the middle of February and the Oilers are tied for dead last. Classic MacGruber. This game’s so awful that even ya boy Hank didn’t want to cover it. Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs and their blatant grammatical error enter the Jungle to take on their last place relatives. I’ll be in the company seats for this fart launcher, solely for the purpose of watching what McDavid will do to the Leafs.

Lineup

Schultzy’s back!

justin-schultz-cocaine

But it’s ok because Toronto’s dressing the remnants of last night’s Stony Plain Flyers game:

Who the fuck are those guys? The poor Jungle has become familiar with some shit infested lineups over the years but that one might be the most malodorous. If the Leafs are focused on running distressingly abhorrent defenseman I have the perfect guy for them. Allowing Connor McDavid to play against those six defenseman is like when you jokingly played Team Canada against Team Japan in Chel. Win the draw, get it to Crosby, have him rearrange the cell count of certified pylons like Kazumasa Sasaki and Takafumi Yamashita before shelfing one on Yutaka Fukufuji. Remember those defensemen; at least four of them will be dead tonight. Permanent waiver resident Mark Arcobello is centering their second line, and Colin Greening’s played one game this year so naturally he rounds out their top six.

I have absolutely no idea who Joshua Leivo and Byron Froese are. There’s no way those are real names.

What Needs To Happen

Last time we played the Leafs a guy we’ve never heard of shut us out. This time, their entire roster is brimming with players nobody has ever heard of. Luckily Gary Sparks in back where he belongs, that means the Oilers get to face Jonathan Bernier tonight. The only person who hasn’t gotten by him this year is that fatuous mouthbreather Damien Cox.

damien-cox-jonathan-bernier

What Can’t Happen

gary-sparks-shutout

What Will Happen

As unlucky as my sports life has perpetually been I’ve actually strung together a pretty good record at the Jungle in final year. That trend will keep going tonight after the Oilers strangulate the Leafs’ practice squad. Connor McDavid’s playing his first game against his beloved Leafs and they’re guaranteeing him four points by starting Bernier. The rest of the Oilers ride McDaddy’s coattail en route to a 7-1 dumper pumping. Hall does his thing. Matty Ice pinches in a few. Yak contemplates showing up.


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