Power Moves Only: Patty Maroon Calls Himself The “Big Rig”, Wins Everything

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This could honestly go down as one of the most lopsided trades the Oilers have ever made. Not only is Patty Maroon an actual real life functional hockey player who does an abundance of good things on the ice. And not only are the idiot Ducks retaining one-quarter of his salary – which is already a great contract – for its remaining years. Add in the fact that it only cost us pennies and we’re the clearest of clear winners. But shit really got miserable for the Ducks when it was discovered through his own tweet that he calls himself the “Big Rig”. Oh my God yes. What the fuck was Anaheim thinking? The guy hasn’t played a game for us yet and he’s already King of the Jungle. Think about the set of low hangers it would take to refer to yourself in the third person as the “Big Rig”? You can’t possibly call yourself that without possessing a gargantuan set of nuts. Imagine little Johnny Gaudreau trying to call herself the “Big Rig”? Impossible. I’m never calling him Patty Maroon again. He’s only the Big Rig. Not in quotes. Not as a pronoun. As an actual, human name. Bringing in the Big Rig for the final nine games in Jungle history is the greatest present Pistol Petey could have ever given us, and he dealt Jultz three days ago. I know he’s already been welcomed to Edmonton, but it’s with great honour that I – on behalf of everybody who loves ENS – formally welcome the Big Rig to the Jungle.

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PS – The Big Rig strikes me as the type of guy who will absolutely worship the Concrete Jungle. This is exactly the hero our blue-collared city needs. He’s going to LOVE IT when he sees Pinky’s.

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