The 2015/16 ENS Oilers Awards

friggin-todd-upset

Better never than late! As promised, it’s time to handout our infamous annual hardware after yet another successful season. Before we begin, let’s have a moment of silence for the Concrete Jungle…

450633497_slide

concrete-jungle

May its concrete slabs always shelter our Northlands. Godspeed. Now then, at this time last year, we finished a respectable 28th. This year, 29th.

mact-jeff-petry

Trust the damn process. With that said, let’s get started…

Jason Smith Award for Leadership: Connor McDavid
Runners up: The Ice brothers – Talbot and Matty

connor-mcdavid-captain

Connor McDavid takes home his first of what you can probably assume is a lot of hardware from the 2015/16 ENS Oilers Awards. Runners up included last years winner, Matty Ice, and newcomer Cam Talbot, who somehow did not consume lighter fluid by February. Taylor Hall mentioned how McDavid’s leadership began to show on the ice at the end of the year. Well Mr. Speedy Glass is wrong. McDavid’s been the leader of this team from the moment he stepped into those Rogers commercials with Mess. He said all the right things off the ice, all year, and I’m sure that translated onto the ice as well. As a result, he will be named captain next year.

There are some, however, who believe it’s a mistake to make Connor el capitán.

The actual shit? There are players, here, on the Oilers, who have worked hard for years?!? I says pardon? Listen, Trash, I don’t know if you’ve watched the Oilers for the last like, decade, but there hasn’t been a lot of hard work. There has been, however, a lot of bottom three finishes. Hot take.

Shayne Corson Award for Worst Leader: Daryl Katz
Runners Up: Everybody else

fucking-katz

Do something like one time, man. Since purchasing the Oilers, führer has given us four (possibly five) first overall picks, seven head coaches, four GMs, a relocation threat, the Octane, a stunning record of 225-320-77, Jerred Smithson, and absolutely no playoff games. In fact, since Daryl purchased the club in ’08, Columbus and Winnipeg have played a combined 10 more playoff games than the Oilers. We ruined everybody’s lives in Buffalo when we won the draft lottery last spring and they still finished 11 points higher than us. We are functionally inept. I’d say I wish he’d say something to us, like, a sincere apology, or an attempt of an explanation as to what we’ve witnessed since his tyranny began. But honestly, it makes things worse when he speaks. What an era to be alive.

Todd Marchant Award for Play of the Year: Connor McDavid (Columbus)
Runners Up: Connor McDavid (Detroit), Connor McDavid (Toronto)

connor-mcdavid-amazing-goal-gif

I’m like 100% certain this was TSN’s play of the year too, so naturally. Justin Falk still hasn’t found his ankles. Close runners up include the goal that Miranda Rites compared to Shawn Thornton, and his entire game against the Leafs.

Steve Smith Award for Worst Play of the Year: Jultz and Nikitin (Colorado)
Runners Up: Andrew Ference (Nashville), Adam Clendening (Minnesota)

justin-schultz-2gif

So much Oilerz happened on that play. First, Jultz blindly threw the puck up the boards after taking half a period to decide what to do with it. It obviously got turned over, because Jultz. All three forwards were outside the blue line by the time Colorado had it on their stick. Then, my personal favourite, Niki attempts to make a bold play on the puck, but ends up tripping over Iginla – the man he was intended to cover – leaving him for the most wide open goal of the 611 he’s scored in his career. I’ll miss these two. Niki flying through the air like Jordan in Space Jam never gets old.

Steve McIntyre Award for Physical Assault: Darnell Nurse (Ottawa)
Runners Up: Darnell Nurse (Calgary, preseason), Connor McDavid (Justin Falk)

nurse-dad-fired-up-gif

Papa Nurse LET EM HEAR IT! This is the inaugural year for the Steve McIntyre Award for Physical Assault, named after the last time Raitis Ivanans took a breath. Darnell would have been nominated for all three (McCormick, Andersson, Polak) if not for Connor actually severing Justin Falk’s lower body from his torso in The Return. I chose this one as the winner because Dicky Nurse was fired UP at the Can Tire Centre, just burying cold ones and watching his son feed Max McCormick a million rights. A close third runner up would be us murdering Anaheim on the Big Rig trade. Gernat played five games for Eakins’ Gulls. Didn’t get a point.

Darcy Hordichuk Award for Being Physically Assaulted: Our game against the Islanders
Runners Up: The Griffin Reinhart trade, this Blue Jackets tweet

oilers-islanders-blowout

Body bags were flying everywhere this evening. Justin Schultz got slaughtered by John Tavares on like the third goal against. Griffin Reinhart played one of the worst games I’ve ever seen a player play. Against his former team. The ones who robbed us of a first and second round pick for that living pylon. This game was also Anders Nilsson’s death sentence. Yes, I thought about including Calgary shutting us out at home in the Jungle’s second last game, but the Islanders beat us by a touchdown. This one was all sorts of ugly.

Grant Fuhr Best Goalie: Cam Talbot
Runners Up: Christ

644talbotorange

The Ice Man was sensational for the orange and blue this season. We haven’t seen that kind of steady goaltending since probably Roloson. For the first time in years, I actually feel confident in our goaltending going into next season.

Ty Conklin Award for Worst Goalie: Anders Nilsson
Runner Up: Laurent Brossoit

I need a backup goalie in the worst way possible next year so we don’t have to hand out the Ty Conklin Award. Last year’s runner up, Ben Scrivens, played very bad for Montreal this season. Except, of course, when he stood on his head against us. This year winner, Anders the Giant, was really the tale of two goalies this season. Between October and the first week of December, he actually outplayed the Ice Man enough to secure the starting position. Then he started letting in everything and I don’t know, it all fell apart, in a very sad, Oilers-like way. LB comes in second because he refused to make a save immediately after we’d score a goal. Special shoutout to Jultzy, who tried to save the puck in the picture above. Spoiler alert, he did not.

Smytty’s Last Game Award for Moment of the Year: Farewell, Rexall
Runners Up: Glen Sather’s retirement, Connor’s first game back

Rexall-Place-770x470

It really was spectacular, something I’ll truly remember for the rest of my life. I love that old barn, and I’m going to miss it so damn much.

Brad Winchester Award for Power Move of the Year: Connor drenching the first row in Buffalo

Runners Up: The Big Rig stealing Anaheim’s puck, The Big Rig waving at Dorsett

blonde-mcdavid-buffalo

The only thing that could beat out the Big Rig emasculating Anaheim was Connor impregnating Eichel’s turf. They had to bring a sub pump to the first row at the First Niagara Centre to clean up the mess Connor caused that poor little blonde smoke to make. Just casually strolled into what will undoubtedly go down as the most important game of Jack Eichel’s career and buried two goals, including the overtime winner. Poor Jack now has to play with our boy at the World Cup of Hockey after what Connor did to him in Buffalo. Jack’s that one dude from the old Rogers commercials who’d always get hit sticked by the sharper looking bro with a better service provider.

 

Wayne Gretzky Award for MVP: Come on

connor-mcdavid-ack

Unlike some pundits out there, I don’t believe you need a full season to say “you’re the best.” He finished the year third in the NHL in points per game, only behind a couple guys named Patrick Kane and Jamie Benn. Every time he was on the ice for us, he was our best player. I literally feel like I’m wasting a word count here. He was, as Tina Turner would say, simply the best.

Glen Sather Award for Best Coach: Todd the God
Runner Up: Connor McDavid

todd-the-god

God bless that man, because there were a solid 50 times where Friggin’ Todd wanted to shove that stick up someone’s ass. But instead of physically assaulting these guys, Todd did his best to keep his head on straight, a smile on his face, and coach these imbeciles until someone – usually Connor – decided to do something about it on the ice.

Now, of course:

Dallas Eakins Award for Worst Coach: Jay Woodcroft
Runner Up: Drew Remenda

jay-woodcroft-and-todd-mclellan

Yeah Todd, don’t even look at him. We weren’t blessed with an imbecilic coach fired midseason this year, one so bad we could name an entire award after him. We were, however, given a coach seemingly incapable at fulfilling the only duty he had on the team. Coach a goddamn power play, Jay. The only team who did worse with the man advantage than the Oil was, get ready, Toronto. No shit?! Wonder if having an effective set up that can score when you have one more guy on the ice than the other team can help your standings? Drew Remenda is our runner up for being the worst press box coach in the history of sports. Only Drew could scour for the positives of, among things, having Mark Letestu on the first unit. And he would do that often.

And finally:

Tommy Salo Memorial Award for Wife Joke of the Year: Hank

lakers-players-drop-gif

Live look at our friend Kev, former Flin Flon Bomber, getting hauled off Twitter:

body_in_bodybag

That body bag concludes our 2015/16 Oilers Awards. Until next time, what do we always say?: “Don’t get eliminated!” “There’s always next year!”

Share on TumblrShare on RedditTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on FacebookEmail this to someone


You may also like...