Bachelor(ette) Mondays Are Back: Your Definitive Guide To Who’s Winning This Thing
After I live-blogged the finale of The Bachelor in March, I very surprisingly had a lot of requests by female ENSers, and Pizza Trav, to give the people some more. Well great news, girls and PT, The Bachelorette was on immediately after the Raps game yesterday. Now I’ll admit, this is the first time I’ve ever watched this show. Bachelor virgins will say: “bro, it’s the exact same as The Bachelor, shut up.” My advice to you rookies is that no, it absolutely is not. Putting 30 bros in a room fighting over one smoking hot Texan with possibly the most perfect congo bongos of all time is not even close to the same as 30 women fighting over a guy. Pardon my gender stereotyping but it’s entirely different in every single aspect. From my limited viewing experiences, when girls stab each other in the back everybody starts to cry, even if they’re not even close to being involved. If a guy tries that shit we’re talking about an all out brawl potentially breaking loose. I know the previews are usually more dramatic than the show really is, but I haven’t seen that much blood in 20 seconds since Darnell Nurse reconstructed Roman Polak’s face.
Anyways. I won’t be live blogging this season for a lot of reasons, but I will give a definitive power ranking list of who’s going to win this thing. Last season I could relate to Ben, but had no idea what the 30 girls were thinking or doing. Now, the tables have turned, and I feel like my 25-year-old ass has seen/been through enough to know which guys are coming out swinging (or throwing, you’ll get the joke in a minute), and which guys might as well go home tomorrow. I am the guy, after all, that said “hah hangovers” in about the fourth text I sent a girl who knew literally nothing about me, including my name. So here it goes:
1. James Taylor, 29, country singer
Buddy came out guns blazing with the guitar. Plus, he has that Texas factor going for him. I have a sneaky feeling he’s going to win, especially knowing what we know now about Jordan (see below). I’m now #JimmyForJojo.
2. Jordan Rodgers, 27, brother of Aaron
Pun makes sense now. Get it? Because sports? The former BC Lions practice squad star could have possibly been one of the clearest front runners of all time. Sure, he’ll never be Aaron. And she’s getting a guy who couldn’t crack the lineup of a bad CFL team, even after both the starting and backup QBs got hurt. And she’ll always get out-everythinged by Olivia Munn. But you absolutely consider marrying the guy who has a rich ass brother. Jordan was the clear number one after last night, until this happened:
Well well well, if it isn’t the most obvious thing of all time. A former pro athlete cheated on his girlfriend? Ya don’t say. Wanna know the worst news for Jordan? Aaron’s perfect girlfriend, Olivia Munn, liked the shit out of that revenge Insta:
And she’s also still best friends with the ex. I would consider this my official withdrawal from the #JoForJojo campaign, and promptly remove him from my top three. But I typed most of this up last night, and don’t feel like moving him lower. Also, he has that shit-eater haircut.
3. Luke, 31, war vet
He’s the one that rode in on a unicorn because Jojo wore a goddamn unicorn hat the first time she met Ben. If you didn’t know by now, some weird ass shit happens on these shows.
4. Robby, 27, swimmer
He brought a bottle of wine for them to drink out of at their first meeting. Smart man. All you girls loved the shit out of that, don’t even pretend like you didn’t.
5. Chase, 27, sells medical shit
Every other guy sucked worse than him, so.
6. Derek, 29, banker
Big time power move by Derek for making everyone forget he exists five minutes into the show. Wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, considering one guy got hammered and jumped naked into a pool. And another guy walked in buckled during one of her interviews. And another guy wore a fucking kilt.
7. Wells, 31, radio DJ
Guy has just a stupid ass name, but ‘I Swear’ is a certified fire jam, so major points for pulling that one out.
8. Christian, 26, telecom consultant
Seems nice. Won’t win, but seems nice.
9. Alex, 26, US Marine
This hardo was doing pushups with her on his back right when they all got into the house. He’s also 4’6″.
10. Ali, 27, bartender
He better just play the piano for the rest of his time on the show if he wants any chance at getting another rose.
11. Will, 26, civil engineer
Probably has his shit together more than anyone else on the show, too bad he was absolutely awful at everything else. I don’t think he’s ever talked to a girl before this show. My wheels are as square as a lego head and I still cringed watching this bro try to shake n’ bake. Just a brutal ‘Will’ joke out of nowhere. Oh, and he planted the most awkward kiss in the history of kisses after bringing out one of those finger paper fortune teller game things we used to play back in fifth grade, which for sure had ‘kiss’ under every single option, because fucking Will. Then proceeded to get emasculated by Aaron Rodgers’ brother, who swooped in and planted a very consensual kiss five seconds after he planted the worst kiss in TV history. Pray for Bill.
12. Nick B, 33, electrical engineer
This is the guy that wore the Santa costume. There are eight people who did worse than showing up for a first impression dressed as fucking Santa Claus.
13. Grant, 28, firefighter
The first thing this guy did was bring up how Ben told Jojo he loved both her and Lauren. Then he couldn’t understand why she wasn’t giving him a rose immediately. Go home, Grant.
14. Evan, 33, erectile disfunction specialist
Top five creepiest dudes I’ve ever seen in my life, and his job is to help bros get boners. And he’s still miles better than the rest of the crew.
15. James S, 27, Bachelor super fan
I know literally nothing else about this guy other than he lives, breathes, and sleeps Bachelor. Seriously. This guy would chop the skin off Chris and wear it to bed at night. He looked more nervous to meet Chris than he did Jojo, and her weapons were out to kill last night. I think he wants to marry the show. The only reason he’s above the others is because he’s not a hipster, a Canadian, a deadbeat, a future (possibly present) assaulter, or severely out of place. He just might be Chris’s stalker, which is fine.
16. Brandon, 28, a hipster
This guy sucks. I have more of a chance than Brandon.
17. James F, 34, owns a boxing club
If I never heard anything about this guy again I’d be ok with it. He looks like he’s on the wrong show.
18. Vinny, 28, barber
Vinny got really banged up and was the second person in 10 seconds to barge in on her private interview. The other guy got kicked off, so what’s that say about Vinny’s chancing moving forward? Jojo ain’t about playing no shit. He also told her, and I quote, “I will never let you beg for my love on a bathroom floor.” Annnnnnnnd cringe.
19. Chad, 28, fuck boy
Holy shit this guy’s the worst. Every time he talks I lose a brain cell.
He took a shot outta nowhere at my boy Ben. And I’m pretty sure he was the proprietor of the brawl that takes place this season. This guy screams ‘Olivia’ and will probably stick around until the final five because this is what the show survives on. Villains. Especially villains who have multiple faces. And of course he has the number one biggest douchebag name in the history of douchebag names. Fuck Chad.
20. Goddamn Daniel from Canada, 31, who cares
This will come as the ultimate surprise for all our readers. I am ALWAYS team Canada. But I mean this emphatically when I say that this guy is quite possibly the most irritating Canadian on Earth. Daniel just set Canadians back generations after the worst on-camera performance I’ve seen since James Franco hosted the Oscars. At one point he was described as being “white Canadian wasted,” and that was before he striped down to a thong and jumped in a pool, crashed one of her dates, then stumbled around the house sans clothes until the rose ceremony. He couldn’t hold a conversation, because he was right liquored the whole time. He went around poking guys in the belly button. What kind of person gets that hosed at a fancy party with free booze, does a solo jump in a pool, and still tries to wheel the hottest girl at the party? Actually, now that I think about it, that’s the most Canadian thing he could have done. That’s hilarious. God knows we’ve all been the most fucked up dudes at a party before and done literally all of those things. Putting free booze and a pool in front of a Canadian is like putting cake in front of a fat guy. Every time you do that you’re agreeing to the risk that he might get a little bit naked and jump in that pool. Now that I think about it, I’m totally team Daniel. It took literally one paragraph. Canada forever.