Game One: Other @ Cavaliers

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It’s us against the world.

Well, sort of. Going to be tough to find people cheering for the Cavs outside of the flushing green meadows of Cleveland, Ohio. That said, absolutely nobody and their mothers are picking the Raptors to win this series.

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The BEST anyone has us doing is taking this series six, back to the Six, where they somehow still think we’ll lose. On paper, in the press, and basically everywhere around the world have signs that point this series to being over quick. The Cavaliers still haven’t lost a playoff game. They’re 8-0. We’re 8-6. They’re healthy. We’re not. And yet, here we are. Both in the exact same position, both with a chance to play in the finals. They’re not this unbeatable team everyone thinks of them to be. We went 2-1 in the regular season against these guys, and finished only one game back of them for Eastern Conference supremacy. Not only can we play with them, we can beat them too. Just sit back, relax, and Raptors.

Starting Lineup

PG – Kyle Lowry
SG – DeMar DeRozan
SF – DeMarre Carroll
PF – Patrick Patterson
C – Bismack Biyombo

No JV, so if we lose it doesn’t count. But Biz played extraordinarily well against Miami, especially in game seven. Bizness is riding an all time high, and will probably get a massive contract somewhere else this summer. But for now, he’s still playing for his next paycheck. I’m not worried about him bringing the noise. Guy has more energy in his right thumb than Griffin Reinhart’s had his entire life. I’m worried about everything behind him. Jason Thompson is a veteran with virtually no playoff experience, and it’s shown thus far. He’ll give you a comfortable few minutes off the bench, then make two or three dumb mistakes in a row. And Lucas Nogueira shouldn’t be anywhere near the floor this series unless the Raptors are either A) up 70, or B) want other media outlets to start calling us ‘Other’ too. I’m hoping to God JV is back for game three, otherwise smell ya.

Also, somebody other than Carroll and Lowry need to start hitting threes. I’m looking at you, Patty. And T-Ross off the bench. Cleveland hit about 1,500 threes last series. If we can’t keep pace, it’s over before it started.

Who to Watch

Basically everybody. Like Christ, this match up stinks. We will not be able to dominate in the paint like we did against a small Miami team. Bizzy B will be in charge with playing against a massive rebounding machine in Tristan Thompson. I’m assuming they’ll want Carroll on LeBron, and no disrespect to Wade, but he’s not LeBron. Patrick Patterson will find himself locked in on Kevin Love, who has probably been Cleveland’s best player in the postseason. At the other end, LeBron will cover probably DeRozan, which is horrifying. The last time we played the Cavs he finished with nine points on 1-11 shooting. And granted, he played better in the previous two games (19 and 20 points, combined 15-31 shooting), he hasn’t really dominated against Cleveland this year.

But this guy fucks:

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My boy. Who launched this dagger right in the heart of LeBron’s stupid haircut back on February 26:

 

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One more angle, because it never stops being beautiful:

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Shoota! Right over that little punk ass weasel Matthew Dellavedova’s face, that skunk. You will hate Delladova, by the way. Actually, you’ll hate that whole squad, including bad Canadian kid Tristan Thompson. In fact, I’ll probably do a hate meter blog for every Cavs player, because they all suck a lot. They employ JR Smith, because of course they do. He’s Cleveland’s version of Chris Anderson. Fuck JR Smith.

Prediction

I’d love to sit here and tell you we’re going to go to that 8 a.m. post-All Happy still drunk dump Cleveland and blow them out of that glorified Winnipeg they call home. But despite my concussions, degenerate drinking, and uncontested desire to consume an amount of drugs that would make Vinny Chase in season 7 go “oh boy” thanks to Oilerz, my brain still somehow works at a semi-functional capacity. Enough to look at this match up and go “shit guys, we’re kind of dead.” This is like the Eakins-era Oilers facing off against the Colorado Avalanche circa 2001. Sure, the Oil have one or two good players, but the Avs have 14 guys that will bury you in a millisecond if you’re not careful. We’re still going to win, obviously, just no blowout tonight. Not until game three, or when JV’s foot heals. Raptors win 104-101. Lowry steals the entire show, dropping 44 points. Corey Joseph is a better Canadian than Tristan Thompson, that 6’10” sized bum. LeBron slides into a DM.

PS – Really hope my boy and Raps superfan, Nav Bhatia, made the trip to Cleveland. God knows Drake’s too busy doing SNL. You’re my boy, Nav.

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Tip off’s at 6:30 on Sportsnet.

 

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