Game Two: Christ


How I felt before game one:


How I felt one minute into the second quarter:


How I felt at the end of the game:


What the effing fuck? Actually I know what. Here’s the deal: Cleveland is really goddamn good. Toronto is superbly average. Toronto stumbled their way into the east final like you’d stumble your way into Queen’s Donair post-Knoxville’s shitshow. We lucked our way into a semi finals by playing in the worst conference in the history of sports. The East stinks. It’s Cleveland, and everybody else. Toronto just happened to be the best out of everybody else. Now we’re stuck being on national television getting our turd cutters kicked by one of the greatest basketball players of all time. What a time to be alive.


Ugh. So how do we win tonight? Is it too late to slice LeBron’s tires? What about getting him pregnant? You can’t play basketball if you’re pregnant. So shit. There’s not a lot of hope. People probably want to give up. Throw in the towel. Well you know who else probably wanted to give up? How about my good pal, Jacques Cartier? Ya, he discovered a little place we like to call “Canada.” What about the war in 1812? Those bastards from down south tried taking over our country. All we did was burn down their White House. Burn, America. Cleveland’s “all in”? We’ve been all in LeBron’s wife since before we beat Miami in seven. We’ve also lost every game one in these here playoffs. Am I worried? I’m not worried. I’m fucking terrified. But it’s show time.

Also, whoever runs the Raps Twitter account needs to be fired. Can’t do this. Not a good look when you get beat by 1,500 in front of millions.

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The tweet’s since been deleted because of how stupid it was. Who cares? You’re entire marketing campaign is “We the North” for tit’s sake. Mix in a quarter of basketball, you idiots.

Starting Lineup

PG – Lowry
SG – DeRozan
SF – Carroll
PF – Patterson
C – Biyombo

The Raps first quarter, minus the last 30 seconds, was actually pretty good. It’s when the bench came onto the floor that all hell broke loose. Normally a strength of our team, but Cleveland’s on a whole other level. Their bench depth is so much better than ours, and that stinks so bad.

Who to Watch

This skid mark:


For the first time all playoffs, I’m telling you to watch a player from the other team. His name is LeBron. Unfortunately, he basketballs well. He’s also historically been murdered by DeMarre Carroll’s defense. Until game one, when he shot 7-7 right in Carroll’s kitchen. It was ugly. Not quite as ugly as his loud mouth, no respect, piece of swass, good for nothing, billion dollar Nike deal’s face. But ugly, nonetheless. That’ll change tonight. Why? Because.


Just because.


Maybe don’t lose by 31 today?


Call me delusional (I’m an Oilers fan) but I think we got this one. Something about ‘complacency’ and LeBron’s shitty hairline that make me feel confident going into this game. But for the love of St. Albert, somebody mix in a three. Also, Kyle? Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee. Maybe don’t be the fourth highest scoring player on the team today bud. Not a good look when James Johnson is outscoring you off the bench. Raptors win, 102-99. DeMar with 20, Kyle with a game high 31. LeBron beats up Kevin Love.

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