All The Oilers Are Playing in the Canada/USA Game

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Oh baby! We haven’t had a real hockey blog in about a month because there’s nobody left for me to hate in the playoffs, and because Hank’s been MIA since April 9th. And nine times out of 10 I don’t give a single shit about the Worlds. Give me the Olympics. Give me the World J’s. Even give me the World Cup of Hockey. But the World’s are second last only to the Spengler Cup, which can kind of get electric at times.

However, I’m putting all my disinterest aside for the biggest Oilers game since Farewell Jungle. This might as well be an intersquad game for your Edmonton Oilers. All of our favourites are in action. So let’s check them out, and see how they’re doing, since we’ve given this tournament absolutely no coverage.

The good guys are coming in hot with the three most important Oilers. Up front, we have the usual suspects. Taylor Hall and Connor McDaddy have been ripping up the tournament. Connor doesn’t have a goal yet but has like a billion assists so whatever. And he’ll score on Keith fucking Kinkaid this morning. Book it in and take it downtown. His first of the tournament should come at the expense of Jake McCabe’s ankles, so say an early prayer for McCabe. Not on his left, but on Derrick Brassard’s, is Taylor Hall. Hall’s been very good this tournament, picking up nine points in eight games, good enough for 10th in the tournament. And in goal, of course, is the Ice Man. Fresh off an absolute dominating performance against lowly Sweden, the Ice Man is looking to beat the States for the second time this tournament. Should be a walk in the Hawrelak Park. Auston Matthews? More like PATRIK LAINE amiright guys?

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Burned him so hard.

Now the bad guys. The States have two Oilers who can only be described as ENS hall of famers. They have cemented themselves into the Empty Net Sports Hall of Fame (with Yak). In this corner, weighing 207 lbs. Hailing from Blaine, Minnesota. Captain America. #23 in your programs, #1 in my heart. Matty fucking Ice, baby. Matty Ice has been RED hot this tournament, pikcing up one whole point in eight games. The man who sacrificed his balls for the 29th place Oilers this year is normally our hero, but will have to settle for the villain role this morning. Ugh, hell. That won’t be easy. But I hate the Captain America movies anyways. They stink bad.

In the other corner, weighing a staggering 230 lbs. Hailing all the way from the former home of the Rams. He once stole a puck from the Ducks. Your favourite. The Big Rig. YES!

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The Big Rig comes into the game tied for tenth in the tournament for penalty minutes. That’s because the Big Rig don’t play no shit. And that’s why we love him. He only has two more points than Matty Ice, but man, the Big Rig. There’s just something spectacular about the guy. But unfortunately, we will also have to cheer against him tonight. Seriously, this is hard. I now know how Jon Snow felt fighting against Ygritte. That ended with her dying in him arms, for those unfamiliar with the greatest show on television. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, I’d still like my Big Rig jersey next year. But also, hopefully the Big Rig lays off Connor a bit (a lot). Because we can’t afford anything to go wrong. A decade without the playoffs. And I’ve had enough of it.

Game time is seriously like right now, so tune the hell in. Or don’t. Whatever.

PS – Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes yesterday. Nothing but love for ya’ll.

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