Everything That’s Happened in the City of Concrete the Last 14 Days
For the first time in probably ever, I’ve actually been semi-busy the last two weeks. As a result, I’ve unintentionally neglected the people I love most: the people. To apologize, I dug up Pool Party doing some improv acting. Enjoy that for a moment.
And you’re welcome.
Now, fortunately there are other sports blogs in the Seven that’ll keep you up-to-date with the polite ins and outs and all that stuff about your favourite teams. They’ll give you stuff like Corsi, and WOWYS, and other smart guy shit that armchair GMs love. But that’s not what we’re about here, save for maybe ya boy Teeps. And I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little slow. We drafted Pool Party’s grin, then there was that shit storm diarrhea trade we made, then we signed Lucic. And of course, the defending Grey Cup champions hit the field at the Concrete Palace a few short weeks ago. The Raptors drafted a hockey player 9th overall. The Jays are currently en all sorts of fuego, and I promise you their coverage is coming soon. But other than that, snoozers. Summer is that long, warm period in the Greater St. Vegas Area with rain, lakes, and mosquitos. It’s really just a massive filler between hockey seasons. That said, some things have happened, and I haven’t been posting nearly as regularly as I would like. Hank says sorry too, wherever the fuck he is. So let’s get caught up:
Midas whale start with the big rock in the concrete. In case you died, Milan Lucic – largely considered the biggest free agent available, pun absolutely intended – signed with us for one reason. The background of his first press conference as an Oiler consisted of a demolished Greyhound building and a painfully unfinished arena. God I love this city. They couldn’t have finished the blue waxing tape by July, hey? It’s actually incredible how long it take this city to build shit. Glass looks great, though.
After what was just a godawful Wednesday, some Oilers fans found light in this signing. I’ll admit, this one felt pretty nice after the fisting Pistol Pete gave us 48 hours earlier. Does not take the pain away, by no means, but what can we do. It literally cannot get worse than last. If it can, however, there’s no organization in the world I’d trust more to find it than us.
The Oilers were also in need of a backup because Laurent Brossoit let in everything last year, so they landed on former Bruins, Red Wings, and Leafs backup Jonas Gustavsson – aka the Monster. Gus was one of the few goalies last year to actually lose to the Oilers. Hallsy went -1 in that game. Bum. It was also the only game last year in which Nikita Nikitin got a point. He was paid $4.5-million per NHL points last season. Think about that while you suffocate yourself.
Some people didn’t like this deal because of the Monster’s aggressive playing style combined with the Oilers inability to do anything right defensively. I personally could care less because I fully expect the Ice Man to play a solid 60+ games next year. That leaves Jonas with around 20 games against teams like Toronto, Vancouver, and Winnipeg. Big fucking deal. You all know damn well there are bigger goddamn issues here than who backs up Talbot. I hate sports.
Speaking of Nikitin
Niki’s contract ended on July 1, meaning he is no longer an Oiler. What a time to be alive!! How ’bout a couple, just for old time’s sake:
You were – and always will be – the greatest worst player of all time. Thank you for one year and 11 games of fun, Nik. See you on the other side, kid.
Who in the fuck is Beck? @Teeps14
— Shanny (@hahhangovers) January 27, 2014
I honestly should have known this guy would be an Oiler someday. Anyways sometime after the dust had settled, the Oilers landed journeyman AHLer and former Nashville Predators 5th liner Taylor Beck, prompting a million “we got the wrong Taylor back” tweets, each one thinking they were funnier than the last. Hockey Twitter is, without question, the worst. I still don’t think he’s a person. Guess we’ll find out after our inevitable parade of injuries next year.
Bye Bye Korpikoski
I will undoubtably forget about you in three years. That guy sucked.
‘Skos are 1-1, beat Chris Jones
That loser went for it on
fourth third and inches in overtime and didn’t get the first down. What an IDIOT. Our boys lost a tough opener to the REDBLACKS!!!!!!!!! but then bounced back after the ol’ week two bye to beat Judas and painfully awful the Saskatchewan Roughriders. There will be game day blogs starting this Thursday when the fellas travel to the Sunshine City to beat the wheels off the Bombers.
Anyways, think we’re sufficiently caught up now. As always, if you have a story from St. Vegas you want covered, send it to us at email@example.com and we’ll check it out. God bless.
PS – One more time:
Pray for little Johnny Gaudreau.