Game Day: Ti-Cats @ EskimOH MY GOD Flo Rida Is Playing At Half!

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OH MY!!!! Everything’s looking up in Edmonton! The End Zone Pub can’t even handle me right now! Hope the entire Concrete District of McCauley, Cromdale, Parkdale, Northlands, and Elmwood stocked up on electricity this week, because Flo Rida’s about to blow the non-existent roof off Commonwealth.

There’s also a football game. Fresh off a big W in the City of Dreams, our Skos look to continue the momentum tonight as the Tiger-Cats of Hamilton roll into town. Every game is as important as the last right now. With Saskatchewan finally joining the win club in week 5, only two games separate first from last. Right in the middle of it are our boys. Tonight, two of the leagues best offenses go toe-to-toe in the Concrete Palace.

Other than trading our second best player and drafting a 47th chromosome fourth overall, not much has happened with the Oilers this offseason. Very unsurprising to say the least. Instead of forcing stories about players and their skills and values and all that nonsense you can get literally anywhere else, we’ve (I’ve) sat down, held board meetings, and decided what our place holder should be while the Oilers take a vacation and we wait for the Merch season to begin. We’ve (I’ve) come to the conclusion that we’re all in on the three down league; a decision I’m sure will make many readers happy. If somebody tweets something absurd, we’re covering it. If there’s a little player beef, we’re on it. If somebody gets hosed and drives into a Timmies, you bet. We’re gambling man, and we’re throwing it all on the CFL for the rest of the summer. And probably the Jays too, whenever Hank decides his sabbatical is complete.

Need To Know

Nothing of note from a lineup perspective to pass on, but if you’re looking at hitting up K-Days after a upper bowl booze fest then your Eskimos ticket is also a ticket into the grounds.

Which Ti-Cat Sucks

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Tiquan Underwood and his stupid haircut which I kind of admire and hate. That thing is a miracle. I don’t know if it’s my complete disbelief about how that thing fits inside a bucket, or the fact that he looks like Gerald from Hey Arnold! But there’s something about that dudes mop that makes me simultaneously sick and in awe at the same time.

Which Ti-Cat Doesn’t Suck

Brandon Banks is one of the few players in the league who was actually semi-successful in the NFL before making his way north of the 49. He’s probably the most exciting player to watch in the league. He’s the CFL’s Devin Hester. If it seems like he returns a kick for six at least once a game it’s because he practically does. He averages one kick return touchdown every 4.6 games, which is the best of all-time. Chad Owens has played about a million years in the three down league and Banks has already caught him in kick return TDs with nine. And now they’re on the same team. My god. Still, Banks has a way to go if he wants to catch my boy Gizmo Williams at numero uno. The original Hank holds the record with 32 all-time, including this baby in the ’96 Grey Cup:

 

Should be noted that kicking for the Argos at the time was Mike Vanderjagt, aka the “idiot kicker” aka the worst Colt of ever. Fuck Mike Vanderjagt and his drunk shitty leg.

How We Will Win

Punt the ball out of bounds all the time. Hamilton’s greatest weapon is Banks. Jeremiah Massoli (?) is still running the Ti-Cats offense while Zach Collaros continues to recover from last season’s injury. That’s a massive loss for Hamilton, and it’s been hurting them all year. Our offense is top two in the league, as it their defense. Surprisingly, it’s been the Skos D that has let us down this year. Missing Grimes and Dex has been huge, and we haven’t comfortably found anyone to fill those voids yet. As a result, we’re getting burned by the long ball. That tees up a problem against the speed of Hamilton’s receivers, which is actually sickening. Tonight’s match up easily features two of the three best receiving cores in the game. Along with the aforementioned Banks, Owens, and Underwood, Hamilton’s down field depth also includes a little kid from Chatham, Ontario, by the name of Andy Fantuz. The Canadian kid already has 263 receiving yards this year on 23 receptions, and two touchdowns for shits and giggles. Gross.

Luckily, our receiver depth is also elite. We’re talking AB, Walker, and our own Canadian kid, Chris Getlzaf. It’s as electrifying as a match up in a league with nine teams gets. Team that scores more, wins. That’s some bold shit.

Prediction

Can’t lose in our house when the creator of My House is banging out jams at half. Esks become the first team to light up Hamilton this year, cruising to a 36-21 home W in front of Flo Rida and company.

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