Sloth Monday(?) Shakedown: Samuel L. Jackson
***Editor’s note: The funny thing about Thanksgiving is that Sunday actually falls on a Monday this weekend. So here’s your weekly ineffective hangover cure
a day too late right on time.
Sunday MONDAY, and if you read this website, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with a crippling hangover this morning as a result of a night out at The Pint. But that’s okay because the ENS team is always there for you (except for sudden unannounced two month absences), and we will walk you through this terrifying hangover-laden case of the Sunday MONDAY Scaries.
Do you ever sit up late at night and wonder, what if every team in the NHL’s Western Conference was a Samuel L. Jackson movie? Me neither, usually, but I was drunk the other night and the thought crossed my mind. I thought it was funny at the time, so now I’m gonna try to extend this joke much further than I should. Grab a soda and bear with me.
ST. LOUIS BLUES – DJANGO UNCHAINED
Much like the city of St. Louis, this movie is contains a large amount of racism.
CALGARY FLAMES – 1408
Super fucked up and weird, just like the Bob Hartley Jack Adams season.
DALLAS STARS – SWAT
So many weapons! All ready to shoot at any time!
COLORADO AVALANCHE – SNAKES ON A PLANE
A lot of altitude! Also, Nathan Mackinnon is slippery as all heck (like a snake maybe).
CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS – SHAFT (2000)
His dick is huge and it’s made of concrete! So are the Blackhawks’! They’ve won it all and aren’t scared of anybody.
MINNESOTA WILD – KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE
Both are kinda corny and shouldn’t be taken seriously.
ANAHEIM DUCKS – XXX
A bald man is the star. Also, fuck this movie (and Corey Perry, who is a garbage ass man who came from the swamp of nuclear waste and bad things).
NASHVILLE PREDATORS – PULP FICTION
Shea Weber is not in this movie. But you wouldn’t even notice because a very entertaining man of colour steals the show!
VANCOUVER CANUCKS – HAIL CAESAR (1994)
A really shitty TV movie, I’m told (it’s his lowest-rated movie according to IMDB). I wouldn’t know for sure, though, because I am never going to watch it, just like Canucks hockey.
SAN JOSE SHARKS – DEEP BLUE SEA
ARIZONA COYOTES – CHI-RAQ
Did anyone watch this? No? Sounds like a Coyotes game.
WINNIPEG THRASHERS – COACH CARTER
Much like Coach Carter’s team, this team will never win anything. But the point is they try hard, and just like the kids in the movie, the Thrashers come from a tragic, hopeless setting (Winnipeg).
LA KINGS – THE HATEFUL EIGHT
The roster/cast is mostly past its prime. Also, Drew Doughty wears #8, and he is full of hate.
EDMONTON OILERS – STAR WARS
Pretty good in the ’80s. Pretty shitty now, though.
#ExploreEdmonton News Story of the Week
Be sure to check out Edmonton’s delightful array of Craigslist escorts. No matter how high you set the bar, I guarantee you they’ll help you clear it!
Must-watch Hangover TV
Indians vs. Red Sox (4pm, Sportsnet)
Watch to see who the Blue Jays will play in the ALCS! Or don’t because it’s a fairly safe bet that it will be Cleveland!
America’s Greatest Prison Breaks (11am, History)
Hank and I have combined to watch enough episodes of Lockdown and Russia’s Toughest Prisons to be certified correctional officers anywhere in the world, so we know when a prison show is gonna be good. Let me speak for both of us (mostly because I haven’t talked to Hank since I found out this was a show) when I tell you his will probably (maybe) be good (watchable).
Hot Tip of the Day
Don’t punch Jose Bautista! You will regret it in five months!