Sloth Sunday Shakedown: The History of Oilers Mascots
It’s Sunday, and if you read this website, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with a crippling hangover this morning as a result of a night out at The Pint. But that’s okay because the ENS team is always there for you (except for sudden unannounced two month absences), and we will walk you through this terrifying hangover-laden case of the Sunday Scaries.
As you’ve obviously heard by now, the Oilers have a new mascot who is bound to haunt your dreams for the foreseeable future. I found this out for firsthand on Monday when I took my large sons Ronathan and Tomarnold to the game, and they were very scared of him. Ronathan peed his pants and Tomarnold threw his $13 Gatorade at Hunter before running away in tears.
But how does Hunter compare to past Oilers mascots? Shanny has already (very deservedly) bashed the Octane, but before them, there were a few inspiring figures which got Oilers fans and players alike fired up. So with that in mind, let’s take a look at the very real and not at all made up history of Oilers mascots.
Jerry the Drunk Righand (1972-1984)
Jerry was a mascot’s mascot. A true entertainer. Whether he was chugging full beers by the dozen or yelling obscenities at opposing teams and referees, this man in dirty coveralls got the crowds going. Every Oilers fan remember where they were when Jerry pegged Joel Otto in the head with an empty Molson. And we’ll never forget the time he snuck into the Canucks dressing room and farted on all their towels, which resulted in a team-wide pink eye epidemic. Unfortunately, Jerry was fired in 1984 for taking a shit in the Stanley Cup (and also for having sex with various team employees’ wives).
Everyone was too drunk to remember (1984-1992)
In the glory years, the Oilers had a mascot. My dad says he thinks it was some kind of fox? Or a rabbit of some sort? Nobody really knows for sure, because the liquor was flowing like the North Saskatchewan at the Concrete Jungle (may it rest in peace). Speaking of flowing……
Ryan Smyth’s Mullet (1994-2007)
Ryan Smyth’s mullet was a glorious thing. When you saw it flowing in the wind during a bucketless warmup, it made you want to be a better person. Neil Young wrote like 17 songs about it. It gave us all a reason to watch Oilers games in the late ’90s, even though we all knew the season would inevitably end with a first round loss to Dallas. Smytty’s mullet is Oilers hockey.
Daryl Katz’s Son (2009-2016)
You might say he was always absent the whole year and only showed up at the draft. You could also say that about the entire franchise for the eight (8!) consecutive years he showed up on the draft stage. Must have been really awkward for his dad to fire him before Hunter was hired.
EDMONTON-EST NEWSTHING OF THE WEEK
“It’s clean and it’s really good food,” Janice Farquhar said. She heard about the issues at the restaurant on Friday but decided to visit it for lunch anyway.
“We’ve always had really good food and never been sick. I’ve never had any issues, never seen anything.”
Janice knows what she likes and she’s not letting any AHS health police nerd tell her she’s wrong. I applaud this stubborn refusal to adhere to basic social norms. Janice, you’re out there being the hero Edmonton needs, and that’s why ENS salutes you.
MUST-WATCH HANGOVER TV OF THE DAY
Blue Jays at Red Sox (2pm, Sportsnet)
Toronto clinches a playoff spot with a win. This is also Big Papi’s last regular season game. You’re gonna want to watch.
Transporter 3 (2pm, Peachtreee TV)
If baseball’s not your thing, you can instead watch one of the worst movies ever made? But maybe I missed the point of the whole thing because I haven’t seen the first two Transporter movies. Probably it just sucks, though. Watching Jason Statham rack up his kill count is a very good way to cure a hangover, though, IMO.
Good luck with the hangovers, folks.