19-97-98 HAHAHAHA Stupid NHL Is Dead: Oilers @ Stars

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I’m sorry for getting this out so late. I was in Calgary (dump) last night and didn’t get back until recently. Did not think I’d need the work station. Had the game day blog all prepared and set and ready for the usual spin about how we’re sliding faster than traffic on St. Albert Trail this morning when suddenly, the Oilers did something that made it move. This is what I’m talking about right here:

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BREAKING NEWS OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!

OH BABY!!

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Hahahahaha oh my God. Dallas is so dead. It’s funny, we lose five games in a row, it feels like the sky is falling, I get into a heated debate with a Flames fan early this morning outside of Singapore Sam’s in the 403, and just when you think we’ve hit rock bottom… Bam! The Oilers go making our hearts beat again. First of all, The Drake! Yes so much. This no doubt means that Leon will be sliding into the wing, which is where he should be playing for now. DC had a big preseason, can’t wait to watch the dude rip it up for the next, oh, lots of years.

Now then, my BOY Matty Ice is back!

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Been too long, my friend. Way too long. But I’m friggin’ JAZZED about this. You know all that’s been missing is Matty Ice banging bodies and blocking shots with his nuts. That’ll get the boys fired up in the room. Oh, and speaking of the boys in the room, the line that will crush our host’s servers is locked, loaded, set, and ready to put teams into both physical and financial distress.

19!

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97!

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98!!!!!!!

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Oilers by 50.

Tonight’s Opponent

RIP

Why They Stink

Two things:

1) The headline of the preseason was the Stars and Panthers both wearing white jerseys during a neutral site exhibition game played in London presumably so that people would actually go watch:

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Here’s the story: The two teams played again two days later in Dallas, so the Panthers–being the incompetent sacks of shit that they are–only brought their road jerseys so as to not pack both sets to London and Dallas, figuring the Stars would bring both sets to Canada. Makes logistical sense, right? WRONG! Dallas was the scheduled road team for the game, thus, expected to only need their white jerseys, and only packed those with them on the trip. Jesus Christ, Florida. Not a great look for a Panthers organization which, until that mishap, had what was otherwise a flawless reputation of handling jerseys. And this will shock everybody, but I 100% blame the Stars for this. Never trust the Panthers with anything jersey related and that’s stupidly obvious.

And 2) 19-97-98 are going to give them the business and they won’t have a single answer at all.

Why Their Fans Stink

Very few things in hockey irritate me more than when these shithead imbeciles yell ‘STARS!’ during that portion of their national anthem, all while holding their ‘Make America Great Again’ hats. You can always hear where all 12 Stars fans are at Oilers games after they belt that out from the 45th row. They’re southern Jets fans, except there’s about 6,000 less of them per game.

Also the Cowboys are 8-1, meaning the entire Dallas-Fort Worth area will have even less of a reason to give a shit about the Stars after The Big McPool Party Rig is done abolishing their division 3 defense tonight.

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EAT DADDY EAT!

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Which Star Stinks

Everybody who took John Klingberg about nine rounds too high/kept him as a keeper (me!!) are cursing the world because he currently has two more points than Lauri Korpikoski. Connor will deteriorate his limbs faster than Jesse deteriorated that pizza.

Why They Might Not Stink

If you combine Leon Draisaitl and Milan Lucic’s points from this season they don’t add up to Tyler Seguin’s 21.

The Roundup

Three words: Nineteen, Ninety-Seven, Ninety-Eight. Simply put, Dallas is dead. Giving us Matty Ice and that mythical creation on the same night is like handing Danny Ocean the keys to the Bellagio. It’s not fair to the other 29 teams but you know what? We deserve it. I just seen the next 19 years of my life flash before my eyes and it includes a whole lot of satanic laughter as “The Big Rig”, “The McJesus”, and “The One Who Does All The Fucking” proceed to murder the NHL.

Dallas is healthy and playing better of late so we should have no problem beating them this time around.

Prediction

This was my original prediction:

The Oilers get scored on three times in the first two minutes, but battle back on Connor’s McShoulders to end the streak at five games with a heroic 6-3 win on this fine Saturday evening.

Then obviously I learned about everything above.

8-2 Oilers. You know the drill.

Puck drop @ 5 p.m. on City (Wait…what? CITY?!? How do they not change the TV rights to broadcast the return of Matty Ice and the inaugural line of doom game on CBC or Sportsnet? Whatever).

 

PS – BIG ‘Skos game tomorrow!!

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If there’s a ‘Battle of Alberta’ Grey Cup the province seriously needs to shutdown for the entire week.

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