McDavid vs. Matthews/Kadri/Marner(?), Chapter II: Leafs @ Oilers

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Nobody in the league attempts to illogically parallel Connor McDavid to subordinates more than Toronto. Even Buffalo’s completely given up hope. It started with Matthews, who McDavid has quietly swept off the planet. Then the battle was labelled Connor vs. Kadri, which–if I’m not mistaken–is terribly ill-advised. Now its Connor vs. Marner for some shit awful reason. It never ends. This all spewing from the exact same media who absolutely nailed their predictions of Connor hating the very existence of the Edmonton Oilers. In March, when the Oilers are gallivanting their way into the playoffs, the biggest story out of Toronto will be how fans should react when Encarnacion returns to the Rog with the Red Sox.

Lineup

This is interesting:

No Lucic on the ice this morning, who has missed maybe like five games in his career, and who is now apparently suffering from a serious case of the Oilers. No idea where this phantom injury occurred, but one could only begin to imagine what God himself has done to Looch’s shoulder now that he’s been an Oiler for two months. Pitlick on the first line should be enough to piss off everyone with a Twitter account.

Defense should be the same now that Mark Fayne has been put in the t-shirt cannon and shot to Bakersfield.

I assume Iceman’s in the pipes because civilization stops when he’s not.

Tonight’s Opponent

Toronto Maple Leafs (sic). What on earth?!

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This was published in the Toronto Star this morning. Jesus Christ. Maybe the same way an antelope measures itself against a fucking cheetah? Good lord of piss, I hate this world.

Why The Leafs Stink

50th anniversary season!! 1967 was a great year. The first issue of Rolling Stone Magazine was published. Interracial Marriage was declared constitutional by the Supreme Court. SUPER BOWL I!!! Yes, the Packers crushed the Chiefs in the first ever Super Bowl. Oh and it became mandatory for vehicle manufacturers to make cars have seat belts.

Since then, we’ve sent human beings to the moon, invented the internet, created and demolished VHS, witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall, discovered Netflix, fought over what colour a dress was, and watched as an ape’s death sparked a civil revolution. But hey, if the Cubs can do it, anybody can oh wait, Freddy Anderson blew another three goal lead for you guys.

Why Leafs Fans Stink

One word: entitlement.

Which Leaf Stinks

Two words: Nazem Kadri.

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Why They Might Not Stink

This imbecile, right here:

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Look at him, corrupting our youth. His anemic power play has caused ulcers, yet he still continues to run the first unit through Eberle’s buttercup wrist shot. Because us, the Oilers will go 0-5 on the PP tonight on route to a 3-2 loss, and I will stand on the tracks at MacEwan Station, begging the LRT to take me out.

The Roundup

We’re not losing this game. I don’t care about what just happened against ‘Zona. I don’t care what I just said about Jay’s fart of a power play. We’re not getting swept by the Leafs. No goddamn way.

Prediction

Connor McDavid has a casual five career points in one career game against the Leafs in the City of Concrete. He lives for these types of games. Name Kadri got lucky one time and Leafs Nation is ready to hail him as the defensive version of Jesus himself. The chatter around Leafville–a fictional place where anything goes–used to surround an unrealistic rivalry between Matthews and McJesus. Since that’s been put to bed, the new talk coming into this matchup is the inner battle between Connor McDavid and Nazem Kadri, as if that’s something we seriously need to discuss (also, apparently Marner, which still makes absolutely no sense to me at all).

So here’s the plot: Connor puts Kadri on waivers while decimating the Leafs for another five spot and the Oil cruise to a 6-2 win while we collectively sit back and watch the NHL burn. Happy goddamn Tuesday.

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