Nobody’s Afraid Of A Goddamn Duck: Oilers @ Ducks


After nearly a three week hiatus, the Oilers finally have a Pac-7 clash tonight, deep in the heart of Orange County. As we’re all unpleasantly aware, the boys have dropped three straight, narrowing their Pac supremacy down to just one point. The good news: We’ve been uncharacteristically dreadful these last two weeks, and we still lead the division.


The Tucson Roadrunners (home of Tandy Miller) have their entire opening day starters playing for the tire fire Coyotes right now and Arizona’s still only one point back of Calgary, with TWO games in hand. That feels nice. Really makes you appreciate what we’ve done.


Always hate when the boys play in the Pacific Time Zone because the morning skate is later than usual. I want to get this out while you’re bored to death in your cubicles, so let’s go ahead and assume we’re rolling the same unit as Sunday night. We might see Eberle and Pitlick shift spots, but that’s about it.

Iceman in the pipes.

Tonight’s Opponent

The Anaheim Ducks. Formerly Mighty, now the Big Rig steals their pucks:


Big Rig shows no mercy. Poor Chris Stewart had to run to Minnesota to escape that emasculation.

Why They Stink

Leave it to these imbeciles to take an Emilio Estevez masterpiece and turn it into literal shit. It’s never a good idea to name a professional franchise after a children’s movie but the (Mighty) Ducks managed to pull it off, and they still fucked it up by fading into irrelevancy so hard you’d no doubt forget to name them when alphabetically listing the NHL teams, if only their name didn’t begin at the top. They ripped a national treasure that was the old Mighty Ducks logo right out of our hearts and replaced it with a web-footed ‘D’ with genetically boring black and orange jerseys. Remember this ginormous waste of creativity?


How do you go from a diabolical Disney icon to something that looks like it was put together in 15 minutes on Microsoft Paint? They are so terribly useless that Disney was more than willing to sell their majority ownership just two years before they won the Stanley Cup because nobody gives an ass about the Ducks. This entire organization is weekday afternoon reruns of the Big Bang Theory.

Why Their Fans Stink


These pleasant creatures? Like their team, Ducks fans pretend to be so much tougher than they actually are, but ultimately end up embarrassing themselves more than others. Before burning the Oilers, Justin Schultz burned the Ducks so brutally hard. Their fanbase responded by having 16 people boo him from the bleeders. Hockey culture obsesses with ripping on the Coyotes, Hurricanes, Devils, and Panthers (bums) for horrible attendances, yet Anaheim’s abysmal fan support has somehow avoided the same amount of criticism. Let’s take a look at their yearly attendance numbers since 2005:


Recall: In 2006, they robbed us blind for one of the greatest defensemen every to play, practically shit on every team in the league, and won the Stanley Cup by clobbering the Ottawa Senators in five games. They rode that wave for one whole year before all their fans inevitably returned to the country club.

It’s rare that you find an ownership group that truly deserves better fans, but here we are. The Samueli’s are actually some of the good ones! They lose millions every year despite having the NHL’s best record since 2006, yet still refuse to even consider leaving that theme park of a city. How do Ducks fans repay them? By leaving playoff games in which they are fucking winning early in the third. By drawing one of the all time worst local broadcast ratings in sports history. Their Cup celebration turnout rivalled Ottawa’s ‘Save Spezza’ rally. This is what happens when your season ticket demographic is dominated by retired seniors from Yorba Linda.

Which Duck Stinks

Jared Boll is not only still playing professional hockey, he’s played 14 (!!!) games for the Ducks this year. I could have sworn he retried in ’08. Anyway, here’s a montage of Corey Perry doing dirty shit:






Nobody trolls the NHL like this shithole of an asshole.

Why They Might Not Stink

On Sunday the team hosted a party with a Hawaiian shirt dress code:


Ohhhhhh farts. That terrifies me. Nothing brings a group of bros together like molten fire tarps. They’ll be ready to roll tonight.


I think a little Pac-7 action is just what the boys need. Nothing like an eternity of inter-conference play that puts a great team to sleep. Now, it’s business as usual again as we look to maintain our dominance over the league’s westernmost division, where we currently rock an undefeated record. And what better way to get on track than destroying the Ducks in the Pond? Anaheim’s last nine games have typically been a blow out, in either way, including their last game–a crippling 5-0 loss in Nashville. Woof. Good one, Randy. I smell an opportunity here. There’s about 15 Oilers who need a slump buster, and Anaheim looks like the perfect target: a middle of the pack goals against team with the uncanny ability to get blown out the door.


Anaheim gives up five goals in back to back games, and the Oilers take this one 5-3. You already know who gets most of the points, so buy a damn shirt. McDavid is still one point back of that cake eater Mark Scheifele for the league lead, so naturally he gets at least three.

Also, this guy gets back on the scoresheet with his first goal since opening night:


When we finally get the 19-97-98 line our servers might honestly crash. Can’t wait.

Update: Made this blog this morning, didn’t get published until 2:30 because editor. JP is a healthy tonight. 4-3 Oilers.

Back in the win column tonight, baby! Let’s go!


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