Still Leading The Division So Whatever: Rangers @ Oilers

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There’s no doubt in my mind we’re still the best team in hockey. I’m not worried about that. Montreal could go 41-0 at home this season and I’d still think we’re the best. We’re still leading the Pac-Sev, we’re still rolling a lethal penalty kill, and we employee McDaddy. But we have, technically speaking, lost five of our last seven, which has subsequently allowed San Jose and Anaheim to get a little too close for my liking:

standings

Know what changes that? Beating the wheels off the Rangers tonight. Your boy will be in the house for this one. I feel like it’s my duty. I’m 1-0 so far this year, and I’m not looking at ending that undefeated streak anytime soon. Let’s do this.

Lineup

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Aweeee yaaaa! Kass Attack back in the lineup tonight, a much needed break for the Oil. The fellas went 1-2 after Kass went down with an injury. Exactly what we need.

Makes my job unnecessarily difficult. Let’s assume it’s Tony Slepyshev.

Iceman in the pipes, needing a bounce back game after Friday.

Tonight’s Opponent

The New York Rangers. Oh no, Margot! Another early playoff exit to the Penguins!

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It’s every year with these bums. They wouldn’t have a Cup in the last 75 years if it wasn’t for the Oilers.

Why They Stink

Nobody has done less with more than the New York Rangers. This is a franchise that has existed for 90 years and won less Stanley Cups than the Oil. They’re the epitome of stink. Their greatest player of all time went into the Hall of Fame as an Oiler. One time, out of sheer spite for all things that matter in sports, they threw $45 million over five years at Bobby Holik for some shit awful reason. And Wade Redden!! Oh my god. Who remembers Wade Redden?! You know this franchise has money to shit when they loaded a dump truck with $39 million for 31-year-old Wade Redden. He spent the third of his six year deal playing in the American League for the knockoff Hartford Whalers.

Why Their Fans Stink

There aren’t many fan bases in the entire show are more cocky with less shit to brag about than the Garden faithful. All 18,000 seats at MSG are filled with B+ celebrities and Margot Robbie on any given night, all of which act like they’re the NHL’s vital organs while still chanting ‘Potvin Sucks!’ three decades after he retired, even though they’re a perennial first round knockout and have won as many titles in the last 75 years as the Cleveland Indians. They’re Yankees fans, minus all the success. Look at this goon:

Yup there celebrating a meaningless goal late in the third in a blowout against Washington, clinging onto a watered down light beer for dear life while “DERP DERP DERRRRRRP DERRRRRPPPP Let’s Go Rangers!” runs obnoxiously in the background.

And let’s talk about their goal song for a minute, because they have their own custom one that urges fans to chant for their team — likely because everybody’s given up hope in mid-April when this team of overpaid nitwits fails yet again to live up to expectations.

Also Spike Lee only attends Rangers (playoff) games out of pity because hockey culture cannot fathom how he’d rather watch the Knicks go 32-50 every season instead of watching the Rangers lead the Metro Division.

Which Ranger Stinks

This guy makes $7.8-million bucks!

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That is future Las Vegas Desert Knight Rick Nash heaving all 212 lbs (generous) of his body right at their franchise, because nobody cared if you could turn in Columbus. Rick Nash is a factory of stinkage but will no doubt score the game winning goal against us again tonight because he somehow manages to clobber us every time we play him, despite the fact that he’s been missing since 2008.

Why They Might Not Stink

Goddammit, Hank’s a great goalie.

Roundup

So this streak needs to end and that’s painfully obvious. I love being the team to beat in the PAC. After years of chasing literally everybody it’s nice to finally be so much better than they are. Problem is, us taking a couple games off has irritatingly let San Jose and Anaheim right back into the mix. So after a month and a half of being flat out better than everybody, it looks like we’ve allowed the others to become relevant again.

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But I’m not worried. No no no. The Rangers played last night, and if we’ve learned anything from Friday, it’s that allowing an opposing team to get the lead early is not a good way to establish dominance over a team that’s completely bagged. We live and we learn. It’s all part of becoming the best. Connor knows it. We all do. I’m not ready to give up the PAC division title yet and you shouldn’t be either.

Prediction

4-1 Oilers

Last time the Rangers came into Edmonton they left with a touchdown hanging on their backs and a big L tattooed on their ass courtesy of Connor McDavid Lori Korpikoski!! YES! He threw a hatty on them last season. Korpikoski, as he made us abundantly aware on Friday, is now playing for Dallas, so I subtracted three goals from last year’s teeth kicking and landed on four for this one. We end the bad streak and start a new good one with a convincing 4-1 W. Connor gets all four because life.

 

(pssstt: Big Rig gets four helpers. It’s almost Christmas, buy a damn shirt)

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