Everything Sucks: Oilers @ Wild


Good news: Still in first.

Bad news: San Jose hasn’t played since like Halloween, and Calgary has officially caught us.


Even worse news: We’re playing Minnesota tonight for the second time in five days. Please don’t jump.


Not waiting for an official sheet. All that matters is Connor is playing and the Iceman is starting. There you go.

Tonight’s Opponent

Ugh, hell.minnesota-wild-suck

Why The Wild Stink

The State of Hockey!!! Yes! They’re the seventh most important hockey team in the State of Hockey, behind the University of Minnesota, the University of Minnesota Duluth, St. Cloud State University, Minnesota State University, Bemidji State University, Edina High School, and the Minnesota North Stars. This is what happens when you deploy a system that could make Andrew W.K. stop partying. They are hockey’s missionary position.

Why Wild Fans Stink

Purely the fact that they support this disservice to the game of hockey by selling out Wild games every night. They are indirectly but sort of directly keeping the trap alive by purchasing the rights to watch five players clog the neutral zone on any given Thursday. And all the money goes directly to an owner who used to own one of their division rivals (!!!!). Could you imagine if Francesco Aquilini bought the Oilers? Fuck that.

But yes, Craig Leipold once owned the Nashville Predators—who were crippled to the brink of relocation under his majority ownership, and who have financially skyrocketed since he let them go. You’re in GREAT hands, Minnesota. Here he is chuckling like an imbecile while his bank account permanently explodes:


“I want to win Cups!” he said (Minnesota has yet to make it beyond the second round since he bought the franchise). They are to the Blackhawks as the Oilers were to the Stars. But don’t worry, Craig. Wild fans will pay whatever the price to go watch the 2007 NHL All Star team lose 2-1 to Winnipeg. One day, Minnesota will land an incredibly gifted super star with lightning speed and a instinctive knack for scoring and they won’t let him cross the red line, so he’ll sign with the Rangers during free agency.

Which Wild Player Sucks

Jacques Lemaire. “But Shan, Lemaire left years ago! He’s now the Leafs’ special assignment coach.” No, he’s still there. I’m telling you. I went to the game on Sunday and the stench of Jacques Lemaire was all over those Santa jerseys. He has forever corrupted this franchise. It’s the only logical explanation for how you can take Bruce Boudreau—an offensive genius—and put him in Minnesota, yet reproduce the same toxic diarrhea that drifts towards the safest style of play before panic-heading straight for the trap the moment any potential offense-generating idea is detected. God I hate this team.

Why They Might Not Stink

I mean we legit cannot beat these guys. And Devan Dubnyk is starting again, so expect a vintage-Roy performance yet again.

The Roundup

The Oilers will become the third team to reach 30 games played tonight. Only Calgary and Winnipeg have played more games than the boys. If it seems like there’s a gameday blog every day it’s because there basically is. Sooner or later we’re going to stop playing so many games, allowing all those teams that’re right up our butts to casually pass us like October never even happened.


Tonight, the Iceman cometh to steal us a W on the second half of a back to back against our kryptonite. And if not, well at least it’s Friday!


Connor is the only player in the league that has over 30 points and he’s two away from 40 hahahaha suck it hard, Brandon Manning. Thanks to Sunday, he only has three career points in four games against Minnesota. Hmmmmm. Needs two to get back to a point-per-game against the Wild, needs two to hit 40. Probably needs at least two to win us the game…

On the heels of a four point McNight, the Oilers rally from an early deficit (because, naturally) to come back and beat the Wild 5-2.

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