Give Them A Smoke’er In The Chops!!: Oilers @ Jets
A little over a month ago, that lovely specimen above and the rest of the formerly first place Edmonton Oilers casually rolled into Winnipeg and beat the wheels off the Jets in front of 30,000+ at IGF. Since then, we’ve: let our power play go 0 for one billion, got swept by the Leafs, allowed Nazem Kadri to become a cultural phenomenon, gone 1-4 in the Pac, allowed Calgary to be two points behind us, and listened to Toronto parallel Mitch Marner to Connor McDavid. November SUCKED. We literally witnessed America elect a TV personality as president and that wasn’t even close to being the most horrifying thing that’s happened up here in the last 30 days.
But it’s over. That shit hole of a month is finally behind us and we can focus on the positives:
- We’re still in a playoff spot! RIGHT?! Can you even remember the last time that was a thing at the beginning of December?! (it was 06/07, we finished 24th). GOOD TIMES.
- Connor is the Messiah.
- We only lost by more than two once.
- We all watched as Jesse did some unholy shit to a pizza.
- Matt Benning has been a pleasant surprise.
- The PK!! Not a bad PK.
It’s all a mental thing. Like Arizona, November has always been our kryptonite. Now, we’re finally through it and you know what? We survived! If I’m the rest of the league, I’m terrified. You do not want the Oilers to come out of November alive…
Time to go Captain Insano on December’s ass.
— Jack Michaels (@EdmontonJack) November 30, 2016
Sucks about Uncle Jesse and the Big Rig but this is the bigger news: NEW POWER PLAY LINES OMG ah fuck Mark Letestu alert:
Letestu replaces Eberle on top unit PP, Sekera on blue line for Klefbom. Eberle on 2nd unit with Maroon Caggiula RNH and Klefbom.
— Ryan Rishaug (@TSNRyanRishaug) November 30, 2016
Good news for Oilers fans is Eberle’s one-timer has been relegated to the second unit. Bad news is Mark Letestu has become Todd McClellan’s Toby Peterson, and now will carry the honour of being the one who fans on Connor’s passes. It simply astounds me that they refuse to use Jesse on PP any, never mind PP1. At least he doesn’t love to let ’em rip with his right handed shot or anything like that. And say what you will about the former first unit, but at least when they got shots off they just missed the net entirely. Now they won’t be getting passed the shin pads.
BEST FANS IN THE WORLD!!
Why The Jets And Their Fans Stink
Let’s just lay it all on the table: I detest the Winnipeg Jets. To an extreme, actually. They’re your perfect little sibling who can do no wrong in the eyes of your parents even though they’re secretly satanic little shits. And I hate them for that. I hate their perfect little organization. I hate their perfect little fan base. I hate their perfect little AHL capacity arena. I hate that every single Canadian announcer ever feels the nonsensical need to tell me what how perfect little fucking Winnipeg is the perfect place for hockey. They’ve been in the league for six years and there still appears to be no end in sight for this repulsive honeymoon phase. Say the word “Winnipeg” to the TSN panel and Duthie’s pants will explode for 15 minutes straight. Look at this!!!
What an AWFUL look. Could you imagine? Awe shucks, your team got blown to smithereens but ya know what?! You guys made some serious NOISE so here’s a “third star” you can hold dear to your hearts. Jets fans are the NHL’s participation trophy. When 16,839 packed the Concrete Jungle in 2006 to watch the Oilers heartbreakingly lose game 7 to the ‘Canes, did CBC throw us a little make believe pity third star? God no. God no at all. Pretty sure they gave it to Pisani. We were picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, and taking a Chris Pronger sumo-sized pile drive to the heart literally minutes after it was all done, all while the Manitoba Moose averaged 8,000 a game. Greatest fans in the world could barely reach 50% capacity to watch their only professional hockey team play.
Also, they’re probably racist.
Which Jet Stinks
Dustin Byfuglien, seen above looking like the birth child of Ray Lewis and Kenan Thompson. Should be noted that this unit makes $21,918 per day and that’s what he landed on for wedding attire.
Why They Might Not Stink
Well they did send my all time favourite human shooter tutor Ondrej Pavelec down to the minors at the start of the year, a positive decision for everyone except those who cheer for all 29 of the other teams and Vegas.
You want a roundup today? Naturally do not lose to Winnipeg. If we do we’ll have essentially lost three of our last four games to the Jets franchise and I’m telling you my body cannot handle that.
Oh man, Abe’s gonna be so jazzed after this one. Not only are the Oilers winning the opening draw, they’re also cruising to a 5-1 victory in the Sunshine City! McDavid, 2. Matty Vegas, 1. McDavid,
Darnell, 1. Jesse, pizza.
Also, since it is officially December and Christmas is around the corner and I haven’t reminded you in a while, make sure you buy your dad and your mom and your brother and your sister and your girlfriend and your boyfriend a goddamn Big Rig shirt.