For Some God Awful Reason Columbus Is Good: Jackets @ Oilers

Hahahaha Columbus is in town easy two points wait what in the?




You know 2016 has been a shit storm when Columbus has the best winning percentage in the ‘Chel. Death, taxes, and Columbus bottom feeding forever. Life’s three guarantees. Now we got Columbus sitting comfortably in 6th spot and I’m stuck here questioning our existence.


Davy is back! Perfect timing considering the fact Darnell will be out for 12 weeks. This is Davidson’s first game since opening night, so hopefully he can pick up where he left off last season. JP also back in the lineup tonight. He fucks.

ICEMan in the pipes.

Tonight’s Opponent

Columbus! Seen here causing unsolicited murder on our boys:


You’re just mad because we stole Yakupov from you hahah ok I’ll go hang myself.

Why The Blue Jackets Stink

This is a franchise that is defined by failure. Their biggest accomplishment to date has been losing to Pittsburgh in six games. I guess in one sense, at least they have playoff victories (looking at you, Atlantipeg). But nobody ever takes them seriously enough to legitimately believe they’ll ever be contenders, right? The Blue Jackets could win out this year and still get bounced in the first round by Philly. They’ll forever be a metaphor for bad sports. Really wasting an A+ Twitter account by being impossibly irrelevant. Case and point: Despite them being incredibly good and what not, the other 29 fan bases still refuse to give enough of a shit to go watch them play:


Just slightly above Arizona for road attendance this season. Woof. Playing with the heavy hitters at the bottom of the league.

Speaking of attendance…

Why Blue Jackets Fans Stink


Apparently their fans still don’t give enough of a shit to go watch them play, either. They’ve only been bombarding teams with a nuclear offense and their attendance capacity is still below Arizona. I’d feel bad for their players, and for the 13,497 loyalists who actually want to go watch them play, like this guy:


But the truth is, this is what the State of Ohio deserves. Ohio sucks. This is the state that hosts the Cleveland Browns. This is the state that birthed LeBron James. Ohio is relevant literally once every four years and they couldn’t even do that right this year. Thanks for Trump, you idiots. Also fuck Andrew Miller with a shovel.

Which Blue Jacket Stinks

I’d say Jonas Korpisalo, but he’s dead–via Connor.


So does this look like the roster of a team that only has five regulation losses this year?

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-10-56-44-pm screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-10-56-53-pm

This has to be a glitch. Who in the sweet name of McJesus is Markus Nutivaara?! Lukas Sedlak? Billy Karlsson?? Josh Anderson?!? The Blue Jackets are your Be A GM Mode team after five years of drafting computer generated players. And Sam Gagner is having a career season, because of course he is.

Why They Might Not Stink

I already went over the obvious (they’re really good), but let’s take a moment to remember Sammy Gagner is married to an Edmonton rocket who also happens to be a doctor:



Ugh, fuck. Eight point city.

The Roundup

By some divine miracle, Columbus is ripping the NHL to shreds. They bullied the Habs earlier this year, and are scoring at a ridiculous rate. They’ve also won six straight rolling into the Silent Jungle. So, ya. We kind of got our hands full tonight…


…but, this is a blog of optimism. And we do have points in seven of our last ten, which sounds so much better than three wins during that same stretch. So you better believe I’m calling a 4-3 Oilers W in front of a capacity morgue. Connor gets two and has a shot at another open net, but intentionally fires the puck into the rafters because God hates me.


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