The ‘We’re All Hungover But We Have To Do It Again’ Blog: Wild @ Oilers

oilers-win

Live look at Edmonton today:

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Last night we experienced something we haven’t felt since January 16: we won at home on a Saturday night. And not just any game, that was a BIG game. An absolute textbook win against a tough divisional opponent that we’re in a battle with and who usually bully the Oilers out the door. The city rightfully exploded. Turns out Hank and I both assumed the other would be the responsible one and wake up today being prepared to write. You know what they say…nope.

Last night’s win pushed the Oilers into sole possession of second place in the Pac-7, and we’re now just one point behind the Sharks for first. A win tonight can get us there. And who better to do that against than our former Northwest Division snooze button. Brace yourselves, Minnesota is coming:

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Lineup

Monster gets the call in the pipes so that at least makes what would otherwise be a god awful game a little bit interesting.

Tonight’s Opponent:

The Minnesota Wi….and I’m asleep.

Hey, remember this skid mark?

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Doesn’t even have the balls to spell out ‘shit hole’. He washed jockstraps for a living. Now he’s serving hot-n-readies at Little Caesars.

Why The Wild Stink

Nobody bores the life out of you like the Minnesota Wild. I’ve written 170 words so far and I’m already sick of them. They had an outdoor game last year and nobody watched it. And remember when we had to play these guys eight times a year? I wanted to airmail a package of cow shit to Bettman’s front door for that unsolicited style of torture.

This was a franchise that was so unavoidably doomed from the beginning. Can somebody tell me what the fuck a Wild is? They’re literally named after the wilderness and apparently got so incredibly high on shrooms that they actually made a bear into a metaphor and used that as their logo. Holy god.

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Then there was their first ever draft pick, Marian Gaborik—an exciting, highly skilled hockey player with turbo jets and a ridiculous shot. Sound like he doesn’t belong there, right? Right. Gab spent more time on the shelf than he did in the playoffs. Minnesota made Marian Gaborik not fun. They subsequently lost him for free in 2009, but it was too late. There were a couple years where you could see the excitement of being out of the WILDERNESS stapled right on his face but to be real he was already so Minnesota’d by that point that he became a gigantic ball of fun suck during his cup of coffee in Columbus and now whatever it is he’s doing in LA. At least they gave Brent Burns away for pennies to San Jose. Best contribution they’ve ever given the NHL.

Why Wild Fans Stink

Their biggest rivals might seriously be Winnipeg. Or Chicago. Or Detroit. Or Colorado. Or I guess Dallas. Nobody is really sure because nobody else really cares enough about Minnesota to think “yep, this is the team we hate the most.” And yet NBC stuffs this Snorlax of a franchise down our throats every second Wednesday on RIVALRY NIGHT against one of those teams because why not. They’re as boring as their boring team.

Which Wild Player Stinks

Mikko Koivu, who is probably still on your fantasy team for his name alone, even though he hasn’t done anything productive in nearly a decade. NHLnumbers has him as the 451st ranked player this season in spending efficiency (points per cap hit). He is the exact player Minnesota deserves for forcing rest of the league to watch the Wild.

Also, Pierre-Marc Bouchard. That idiot. He’s long gone but I still feel like he’s going to show up bury six on us whenever we play these Christmas-coloured death eaters. I’ve never seen such an incredibly useless human being do next to nothing against 28 other teams and yet magically transform into hockey’s messiah whenever he stepped foot on the ice against the Oilers. Fuck his bald head.

Why They Might Not Stink

Here’s a couple of smokes kissing each other at a Wild game:

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Nice. Connor with 3.

The Roundup

This is fun, the whole being a decent and respected hockey team thing. It’s almost unfamiliar territory for most of us. But man it feels nice. Yesterday, David Amber mentioned how the Oil and Ducks could be a potential first round playoff match up and it felt like I had taken an entire box of Cialis. The P-word is a legit possibility, and it’s making these games fun again. That and el Connor assaulting defensemen.

After a November to forget, the Oil are undefeated in this early part of December. The Wild are a team that have historically pummeled the Oilers, and every time we face Dubnyk it looks like he’s seeking vengeance for the death of his family. But they haven’t faced these Oilers yet.  The boys are going. The power play’s surprisingly been better. And now, we have a shot at reclaiming our divisional crown. Also Calgary is getting WAY too close to us and we need to reestablish that gap.

Prediction

3-1 Oilers because that’s the most Wild/Oilers sounding score ever. Now I’m going to take a nap.


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1 Response

  1. johanna says:

    I think Todd the god shoud lend Jesse to the World Juniors 👍