The North Remembers: Oilers @ Flyers

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Biggest sign that 2016 was going to be a huge pain in the caboose was that play right up there. Perfect segue. 2015 couldn’t have been a better year and then we all watched it collapse before our eyes, right into the end boards behind Philly’s net. Now Trump’s president. But what never gets talked about is that there are three bros wearing Canucks, Lightning, and North Stars jerseys respectively to a Oilers/Flyers game. Like what??

Lineup

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Big Pou draws back in, and Pitlick comes out. I love Matty Ice to death but what in God’s name is he still doing in the lineup? Reminds me a lot of Smytty’s last year. Great guy. Love him. Shouldn’t play. And now he’ll probably bury tonight.

Tonight’s Opponent

Philadelphia Flyers

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Why The Flyers Stink

After just a terrible start, the Flyers have been burning hot lately. They’re scoring 3.21 goals per game, which is second highest in the league. They’ve also given up the second most goals against in the league. Gustavsson is starting tonight and nobody loves to kick rebounds out to Pluto like the Monster. Meanwhile, teams have been scoring 3.11 goals against Philly all season, and they haven’t even played Connor yet. This game will end 8-6.

Why Flyers Fans Stink

I’ve always felt like a lot of rumours and stories get told about the Philly faithful. So in 2013, I took a train from Manhattan to Philly to both see the NHL draft and to see for myself if the stories were true. I’m here to honestly tell you that everything you’ve heard is a lie—it’s so much worse than you’ve heard. It’s like, think about my hate for the Winnipeg Jets, then multiply that by my hate for the Calgary Flames and Micheal Ferland, combined. I have never felt so at home and simultaneously horrified in my life. They literally boo everything, just because. When I say they hate everything I mean literally they hate everything. You can’t fully comprehend how criminally fucked they are until you’re surrounded by 18,000 of them booing the piss out of the Arizona Coyotes onto the draft stage. They hate things because it brings them joy to hate things. The Flyers could win six straight Stanley Cups and go undefeated in the following regular season before getting bounced by the Rangers and Philly fans would want heads to fall. They booed a Hockey Fights Cancer commercial because Crosby was in it. This is the same fan group that booed Santa before peppering him with snowballs. You’ve probably never been to Philly and they still hate you.

Also, I had a cheese steak while I was there. Sucked.

Which Flyer Stinks

The North remembers. Close your eyes, kids:

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Connor was going maybe 1/4 jets and still roasted Brandon Manning into retirement. So naturally Manning grabbed onto his jersey, pulled him down, and pile-drove him into the boards. I was at that game. You could hear a pin drop. Watching everything we sucked for get murdered into the boards like that was an all time guy cry moment. It was because of that play that I know what a clavicle is.

But like a Westworld host, Connor is back from the dead. And the maze is not meant for the Flyers, or the rest of the league. It’s his maze. And he remembers. There will be blood tonight.

Why They Might Not Stink

I sneaky am so jealous about Philly fans. They’re literal scum and yet they’re everything I want in a fan base. The Iron Jungle sounds like high tea at the Fairmont and the Wells Fargo Center is as hostile of a place as anywhere in the ‘Chel. Thanks a lot, Daryl.

 

The Roundup

It’s impossible to suck more than the Oilers sucked on Tuesday, and yet we somehow* managed a point. Maybe three players brought it two nights ago, and that lackluster shit of a performance was against the third worst team in the NHL. And for the first time in eight games, we’re playing a team that has more points than us. In that eight game stretch, we logged eight of a possible 16 points.

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And yet somehow, this!!!!:

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I can’t explain it**.

Tonight is a huge test. Two of our defensemen have played a combined 19 career NHL games—though Matty Vegas has been outstanding. The Drake has become like the fifteenth winger to play with McDaddy this year. Tyler Pitlick is inexplicably out of the lineup again. We’re playing against the hottest team in the NHL. Oh, and Calgary is two points behind us. So we’re throwing the Monster in goal!!!

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Good shit Miroki.

 

*Because Connor.

**Also because Connor.

Prediction

Because Connor, the Oilers steal a W in a 60 minute emotional roller coaster. We see five different lead changes throughout the night but the boys come through win a 6-4 win from the following:

  • Connor: 3
  • Big Rig: 2
  • Lucic: 2
  • Leon: 2
  • The Drake: 2
  • RNH: 1
  • Eberle: 1
  • Klefbom: 1
  • Matty Vegas: 1
  • This guy: Fucks

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