Smell Ya Never, 2016: Canucks @ Oilers
Apologies to anyone who watched all 60 minutes of that Canada game. Woof. Luckily, for the first time in history, the Oilers are here to save our day. Tonight, the Oil will play their final game in 2016 at the Silent Jungle against Bo Horvat and the Vancouver Canucks.
It’s been a long time since we’ve played these shit bags.
Sekera won't play tomorrow vs Vancouver so expect exact same lineup that dressed against Kings. EDM now 13-2-2 when scoring power play goal.
— Jack Michaels (@EdmontonJack) December 30, 2016
Still no Rejy. Mark Fayne has finally recovered from his latest phantom injury and has been assigned to Bakersvegas on a conditioning stint. Jordan Oesterle received the call up over Griffin Reinhart. That’s starting to look like a pretty bad trade.
Iceman cometh. Last time he played these imbeciles he took them straight to Shutout City.
Two-time Presidents’ Trophy champions!
Why They Stink
We can really break this part up into two parts:
Part 1: Their history.
Goes without saying but man these guys have been historically dreadful. Their franchise hero was a lesser Ryan Smyth. They subsequently made him president, and he’s returned the favour by running the franchise into the ground. And they still don’t have a single Cup. Not with Bure. Not with Naslund. Not with Bertuzzi. Not with Luongo. Not with Dancin’ Anson Carter. Not with the Sedins. God knows they never won anything with Linden. All those players, and still no Cups. Calgary laughs. It’s like they put up with Gretzky for a while, had a brief stint of winning something while we casually took a few decades off and of course they didn’t, and now they’re stuck in the PAC-Connor until he says so. Burn.
Part 2: Right now.
Goddamn this team is a whole bunch of everything that sucks.
How in Connor do they have 16 wins? They took one of their young players in Jake Virtanen—who is a certified bum, by the way—and healthied him for the majority of the start, then exiled him to Utica, only to call him back up immediately, only to park his ass right back in the press box, only to send him immediately back down again. That was in like maybe seven days. They have no idea what to do with young players (cc: Cody Hodgson, Jordan Schroeder, Nicklas Jensen, Brendan Gaunce, Jared McCann, Hunter Shinkaruk, etc.). If I was Bo Horvat I’d run directly into the sun.
Why Their Fans Stink
Ignoring the fact that all it took was a few years of futility to make them all disappear, and that this summer their season ticket sales crashed harder than the Dow on Black Monday, they’re not that bad.
Also, there has never been and never will be a more overrated set of hooligans than the Green Men. Fuck those guys all the way down Granville. They were awful. And like the rest of Canucks Nation, they’ve disappeared on account of the suck too.
Which Canuck Stinks
It’s always Jake Virtanen.
I don’t care where he’s playing. He could be in the starting lineup, or in the press box, or in Utica, or in Alaska. I don’t care. As long as he’s on the payroll, he’s the one that does all the stinking. He’s the epitome of rodent. He’s got the worst haircut on the continent. Yet somehow, this cake eating, hair dressing, Bieber loving, butt scratching, penalty taking, press box sitting puke of a fart wheeled his way into Chloe Grace Moretz’s DMs.
— Chloë Grace Moretz (@ChloeGMoretz) December 3, 2015
Piss in my eyes. How?! HOW!! You don’t just throw on some dumb ass Mickey Mouse lid if you’re not trying desperately to impress someone a million years out of your league. Whatever. Anyways, this bum is in fact currently collecting dust in Utica, so we don’t have to put up with his shenanigans this evening.
If the boys manage to pull off the easy W tonight, they’ll finish the month of December with a jaw-dropping record of 8-2-4. That’s 20 out of a possible 28 points in one month of hockey. Shut the front door. More importantly, a win tonight keeps us two points ahead of Anaheim heading into 2017. Imagine having 19 wins by the time the calendar changes?
What do we even do with that?! (playoffs, that’s what we do with that).
Vancouver played last night and by all accounts actually did the Oilers a solid and beat the Ducks in overtime. That’s the frame where Vancouver’s done their most damage so far this season. Eight of their 16 wins have come in the extra period. There was one point where they were like 4-0 and had the lead for all of like 16 seconds, total, because overtimes. They’re clearly oblivious to their badness and honestly nobody deserves that more than them. The Canucks suck so much that they’re actually sucking away their chances at a high lottery pick by winning too many games in bonus time. You idiots.
To quote Captain Insano, we haven’t opened up a can of whoop-ass in far too long. Time to break that trend. This year has been like perpetually tasting orange juice immediately after brushing your teeth. It’s sucked. There’s literally nothing I want to remember except Connor going Kimbo Slice (RIP) on Justin Falk’s poor ankles, and maybe Kassian going Muhammad Ali (also RIP) on Tony Duclair. Other than that, we finished in the bottom three again, the Colts were a gigantic furball, Trump’s president, everybody’s dead, Chris Pratt made a shitty movie, Nail’s going to get nowhere near 15 goals, and we lost to Cleveland in the playoffs…twice. What an atomic dump of a year for your boy.
We only have a few hours left, so let’s bury these idiots. Oilers win 7-1. It’s an absolute bloodbath. Connor erupts for like five while we laugh like Dr. Evil with our bottles of champagne, the Big Rig goes riggin’, Kassian fights future Vancouver captain Erik Gudbranson, and Jesse gets me two, because why not. It’s point night at the Rogers Public Library. Happy goddamn New Year, everybody. Have a safe night. Absolutely do not drink and drive. We’ll see ya in 2017.