Vacation’s Over, Back To Hockey: Lightning @ Oilers

Fresh off a much needed four days off, the boys are back at it tonight for a little inter-conference play. Hockey Bay, USA has arrived to our increasingly beautiful winter after dropping a close one to the division 3 Canucks last night. Alright, let’s get back to work:

Lineup

Woof. So alleged human and current AHL scoring leader Taylor Beck slides in to take Big Pou’s spot on the third line. Matty Ice is still in the lineup for reasons beyond my belief. Gryba is back, but Matty Vegas has been lights out so he remains in the lineup. Thank god. And still no Jesse…

Tonight’s Opponent

The Tampa Bay Lightning. Oh, the Panthers’ biggest and possibly only rival! The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? Wrong:

You absolute idiots. Our blue-collared Lord Stanley is the type who likes to fire in a wad of Cope while crushing a Jungle B game in a rural Canadian town. He’s got that full time dad bod going so you know he’d take pummelling beers with the boys in dash 20 over absorbing that skin cancer any day. Stanley never needs a tan, unless you’re playing Calgary, and the refs gift you a no goal.

Why The Lightning Stink

Remember they were in the finals two years ago? Ya, me neither.

Also:

 

Yep. It’s December, which he’s on IR.

Why Lightning Fans Stink

Just…don’t, ever:

 

Nothing says ‘Cup Finals’ like a bunch of smokes in a pool hoisting miniature Stanley Cups to the tune of shitty noises by DJ Snake and Lil Wayne. I wish Chicago would have crushed them in three, just for that video.

Which Lightning Player Stinks

Their mascot, ThunderBug. Look at this narc:

 

If you spray a Masshole at point-blank with silly string he will try to kick your ass. That’s how the Irish do business. After the Masshole promptly shoved his bug ass to the turf, ThunderBug scurried behind security like the little punk that he is until said Masshole and his obvious anger issues got tossed. You know damn well Hunter wouldn’t have needed security too take down that meathead. What a bum mascot.

Why They Might Not Stink

I love you…

The Roundup

Tampa has been abysmal lately. They’re one of the coldest teams in the NHL, losing eight of their last 10, and giving up just a ton of goals in the process. Nikita Kucherov, who at one point was right up el Connor’s el ass, only has four points in his last seven games, and the team is lacking some serious leadership in the absence of Stammer. This is a statement opportunity for the boys. They’re back in the Sleeping Jungle after a couple much needed days off and desperately need a win to maintain pace in a suddenly packed Pacific Division. Vasilevskiy lost for the Bolts last night, so future Flame/Golden Knight Ben Bishop has the honour of being torched by Connor on four days rest. Good opportunity for him to get used to what his future in the Pac-Connor has in store.

Prediction

Can somebody tell me where Tarasenko came from?

I could have sworn like two minutes ago Connor had about a ten point lead on the next closest person. Then I blinked. Now Mr. EA Sports is two points behind us (him…but us). Ugh. Whatever. Connor gets three tonight and the boys take it 5-1. Big Rig adds one of his own. Matty Vegas gets a couple assists. It takes two years, but I finally find out who Taylor Beck is.

Jesse eats a pizza. Filppula gets one point for Slytherin. And an average-income fan in the upper bowl gets tossed for making noise during the play.

 

 

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