We Will Win Tonight: Oilers @ Coyotes

January 25th, 2011. Oilers. Coyotes. It was an abnormally chilly night in Glendale, Arizona. The Coyotes jumped out to a quick 2-0 start before JF Jacques got the Oilers on the board with his third of the year midway through the second. Stortini and Foster picked up the helpers. Then the fellas jumped all over Arizona Phoenix at the start of the third. Two quick goals from our young, bright stars—Taylor Hall and Linus Omark—put the boys up 3-2. We’d eventually allow Arizona to tie it just minutes after taking the lead, because classic Oilerz, but then…history. With 22 seconds left in the game, Dustin Penner scored his 15th of the year to seal the victory, stealing a couple road points for the Oilers. That was the last time the Edmonton Oilers beat the Arizona/Phoenix Coyotes in regulation. Teddy Peckman played 18:31 that night.

December 21st, 2016. It’s been 2,157 days. We’ve gone through six head coaches, three other first overall picks, three captains, three GMs, 14 goalies, and two arenas. We hired and fired the Octane. We’ve watched the Katz kid grow from a little rascal to a power forward right before our eyes. Daryl threatened to move us to Seattle. Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series. We sent a fucking robot to MARS! Guys, I can’t take losing to these bums anymore. It’s starting to make me a little bit crazy. There was once a mythical stretch where we won 11 of 13 against the Coyotes. This is also the same franchise that we used to bully in the playoffs back in the 80s, lest we forget. Then something happened. I don’t know what, but I do know that we did something to a higher being and are suffering hard because of it. They are 26-1-4 against us in our last 31 meetings, dating back to January 5, 2010. That. Ends. Now. Tonight, we restablish our dominance. Tonight, Connor shows them who owns this division. Tonight, we will beat the Arizona Coyotes…in regulation.

Lineup

Wait for it…

Wait for it………..

UNCLE JESSE’S BACK!! I wasn’t actually that confident that we’d whoop their desert butts until now. Puts a big, stupid, goddamn smile on my face seeing all those p’s and u’s back in the lineup. Rest of the lineup remains the same, except we may see a lot of 19-29-93 tonight. Still would pay Bobby Nicks money to see 19-97-98 terrorize opposing blue lines but beggars can’t be choosers.

Tonight’s Opponent

Kryptonite

Why They Stink

I hate this team so much. They are the bane of my existence. I’ve mentioned this before, but my mother—bless her kind soul—is an Arizona Coyotes fan. The poor woman had emergency surgery to remove a ruptured appendix two nights ago, and is still in the hospital being monitored for infections. When I visited her yesterday she was sore, swollen, and heavily medicated to the point where she couldn’t lift her body off the hospital bed. And I looked at her, dead in the eyes, through all of her pain, and said: “We’re going to beat the shit out of the Coyotes tomorrow.”

Not even doing a ‘Why Their Fans Stink’ because you can’t mock what doesn’t exist.

Which Yote Stinks

Luke Schenn is probably the worst player in the NHL and the Coyotes are still 2-0 against us this year so enjoy your bleach.

Why They Might Not Stink

I think this one goes without saying. Also, it’s guaranteed point night for Tobias Rieder, because us.

The Roundup

Last night, while leaving the couch, I checked the out-of-town scores and found myself celebrating the losses of both Anaheim and LA. Fist pumped like Tiger in ’05, and it felt incredible. It’s been a decade since we’ve gave a shit about games in December. The Sharks did win yesterday, however, which means we’re two points back of them for the Pac-Crown (but they beat the Flames, so really that’s a win for us too). A win tonight would move us back into a tie with Saint Joseph for the division lead, teeing up Friday night’s battle royale in the Bay Area. Standing in our way is a team that has held us to six out of a possible 62 points in our last 31 matchups, and a goalie who owns an all time record of 15-1-1 against our club.

Prediction

The streak ends tonight…

And I’m talking in a BIG way. To the point of absolute extinction. All it takes is one and the floodgates will open up. Up until now, they’ve owned every piece of real estate in our heads. That also ends tonight. Yes, tonight, there will be a passing of the torch. No more head pounding losses against the league’s most irrelevant team. No more Arizona sneaky throwing on their ridiculously fire throwbacks moments before game time and completely deteriorating my mental state of being. No. More.

Oilers win 7-1. Don’t care who scores them, so long as we get them, and as long as he has fun!!:

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