233rd Installment of the Battle of Alberta: Oilers @ Flames

Guess who woke up from hibernation.


I tell ya, I had no idea what team I was watching last night. They looked PISSED. Just in time for the season finale of BoA. Tonight is the 233rd all time meeting between the 780 and the 403. It’s also the fourth and final (regular season) meeting, meaning, the next time we’d play Calgary would have to be in the playoffs. Most of us have never seen a BoA playoff round in our lifetimes, so I’ll be honest with you: I have no idea what’ll happen to me if we get to that point. That could actually be how I go. We’ll see what happens. I mean, Calgary actually has to get into the playoffs first, so.


Here’s what we know for sure:

A) Iceman is NOT starting:

B) Matty Ice is playing in his 500th career game!!

Tonight’s Opponent

Jesus Christ how am I just seeing this:


If anybody tries to make an Oilers playoff anthem like this in April I will personally pack their shit and exile them to Fort Nelson. Calgary makes the playoffs like one time in the last nine years and they make remix a shitty Macklemore song about arenas not being able to hold them. They got bounced in the second round. Which reminds me:

Why They Stink

Why does Calgary feel so goddamn obligated to rub it in our faces that there have been three different presidents since the last time we made the playoffs? They’ve made it ONCE in the last seven years, got a first round bye against Canada’s perennial letdown, then got pummeled by the Ducks. But if you spoke to a Flames fan about Calgary versus Edmonton, they’d talk us down as if they’re the Detroit fucking Red Wings.

This, historically, is a team we’ve historically humiliated. They won their only Stanley Cup because we didn’t feel like winning it that year. They had to sit back and watch as the most dominant athlete a sport has ever witnessed shattered records a mere 280 clicks north. Now we have el Connor shattering ankles and kidneys and shins across the continent and their leading scorer is Mikael Backlund. It’s like no matter what happens, they’ll always be our subordinates. They’re literally that one dude from the Rogers commercials.


Why Their Dump of a Barn Stinks

Which Flame Stinks

October, 2015:

January, 2017:

Toss up, which Bennett would you rather have: Sam or Anthony?

Yes, elite player Sam Bennett was a healthy scratch on Thursday. Remember the 2014 draft when we took Leon Draisaitl instead of Sam Bennett haha whoa dodged a cataclysmic asteroid on that one. Leon’s a top 20 scorer. Meanwhile, elite player Sam ‘no chin-ups’ Bennett is getting healthied for my personal nemesis, Micheal Ferland. Just another day in the 403. He unfortunately makes his return to the lineup tonight. Whatever. I actually am low-key hoping for them to get the first wildcard spot. Going to thoroughly enjoying cremating these cowboy hat wearing imbeciles in the middle of April.


We have the opportunity to do something tonight that we have never done before in our franchise history: sweep the Calgary Flames. For reals. Even during the Gretzky days the best we did was bend them backwards 7-0-1 back in 83-84. In 00-01, we went 4-0-1 against our enemies as well. But we’ve never swept them. Not only is the game incredibly massive from a logistical standings perspective, but it’s now reached epic proportions on a personal level. I need to sweep these bums. I need to sweep these bums then dummy 1,000 50% off lagers at Hudson’s tonight, just because we swept these bums. I want to watch Connor disintegrate Dougie’s ankles. I want to watch as that little pipsqueak Johnny Gaudreau gets tortured by Milan Lucic. I want to watch as the Big Rig piles five behind Chad Johnson. I want to crush these knob gobblers on national TV tonight, and goddammit that’s what I expect the boys to do. We’re seven points up on these .500 hovering idiots. Put them in their place, boys.


6-3 Oilers. Don’t really care who scores (Connor, Rig, Rig again, Lucic, Matty Ice, Rig one more time) so long as we beat them. And Matty Ice is absolutely getting something tonight. Five-hundo and (probably) counting! Let the boys LOOSE!


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