Bachelor Episode 2 Preview And ENS Fantasy Draft Update
Bring out that red vino, Bachelor Monday is back! Episode one was definitely a good segue into the most exciting, epic, intense, controversial, and mind-blowing season in Bachelor history. There were tears. There were claws. There was booze. We seen a grown ass woman still rely on a nanny. We seen that same grown ass woman practically force her tongue down Nick’s throat, and he loved it. We watched him re-meet a girl he’s already piped. We saw a girl thoroughly believe she was a dolphin while clearly dressed as a shark. High quality television at its finest.
We also saw, if you watched the preview, one of the contestants go against every single moral in the history of mankind and deliberately try to drill Nick for a competitive advantage. This girl also may or may not but definitely does still have a nanny, and runs her own multi-million dollar business that is actually run by her father (but she sits in front of a computer—so CEO). I drafted the villain, and I could not be more thrilled. Live look at Corinne racking up my points:
With that said, here are the standings after episode one:
Jami had the most players advance, but her team was so boring that she’s buried in last after the first night. Leading the way for Jami was her 7th round pick, Jasmine G, who picked up 25 points thanks to unsolicited tears and failing to steal Nick away from a girl who got eliminated anyways, and for bringing a prop out of the limo. The rest of her team played it safe, but she’s got an arsenal of troops left because of it. Vanessa is going to go far, book it. PS – Assuming Nick dumps Sarah, because he’s a goddamn idiot, I dibs asking her to come watch Connor sever ankles with me first. She can run up my driveway any day.
Hank had a tough rose ceremony, but racked up the points thanks to the majority of his girls being all sorts of loco. Six of his ten girls had props out of the limo. Try hards. And of course his 10th round pick dressed up as a fucking shark-dolphin, got hammered, and dropped a trillion swear bombs in-between her outrageously hilarious dolphin calls. At first I thought she’d be really annoying, but she was by far my favourite by the end of the night. Alexis finished tied for first with 30 points, with none other than:
Do I know how to pick a team or do I know how to pick a team? First and obviously most importantly, I stole this season’s villain in the 2nd round. I’m expecting HUGE things from Corinne, and that’s on top of the 30 points she racked up for me on night one. The epitome of wildcard, ladies and gentlemen. She’s hot, spoiled, crazy, rich, hot, and her vagina is platinum! She wanted a kiss so bad that she practically forced one down his throat in such an aggressive manner that it’d be socially unacceptable if not for the fact that he clearly wanted it too. Pretended he didn’t like it hahahah okay Nick, you motor boating SOB. This is the type of girl that would literally kill you for liking another girl’s Instagram and he’s completely on board. It looked like she wanted to stuff the first impression rose right up Rachel’s nose. AND SPEAKING OF RACHEL!!! How ’bout your boy stealing the Miss First Impression in the last round? Who was on the show again, Jami? Danielle M might be the steal of the show. Kristina literally only cried the whole entire time. When Taylor wasn’t swearing she was busy telling Nick how much her friends hate him. My team is so stacked it isn’t even fair.
Now for the eulogies:
Dumped (Round Taken):
Team Jami: Jasmine B (3)
One of four players who didn’t register a single point. I don’t remember much about Jas B, other than she made a really dumb stupid idiot joke and was one of like 24 girls who wore a red dress. This was Jami’s only elimination. It’s almost like she’s been there or something.
Team Hank: Olivia (3); Briana (4); Ida Marie (6); Lauren (8)
Tough night for team Hank, who saw the most eliminations out of all three teams. In a relatively surprising move, old man Nick sent Olivia home on night one. I thought she was an absolute steal for Hank in round three. The Alaskan Assassin. Before she was exiled back to almost-Siberia, however, she did manage to pick up a quick 10 points for Hank thanks to the limo-prop rule, so she wasn’t a complete disappointment.
Speaking of complete disappointments, Ida Marie didn’t do anything.
Lauren and Briana both got Hank five points for crying like lunatics after being dumped by a dude they’ve known for as long as it takes McDavid to rip through Dougie Hamilton’s shins.
Team Shanny: Angela (1); Michelle (3); Susannah (9)
Picking Jaimi and Josephine over Angela made me seriously question Nick’s sexual preference. Absolutely preposterous decision to send this lethal weapon home on night one:
Mind-boggling. Great job, old balls. So my 1st round pick got dumped before you could say, “Nick Viall, career runner up.” Haven’t even mentioned that Angela was the one that saved him from that incredibly awkward convo with another Team Shanny member, Liz “I already fucked Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding” S (I have high hopes for Liz, gotta be some points there). Whatever. Angela being single is the greatest thing to happen in 2017. Cheers, Nick.
I picked Michelle in the third round because I absolutely loved her job as a food truck owner. Nick apparently did not. She also made some awful joke about lemons and lemonade. And now she’s on waivers. And I’ll be honest, I don’t remember Susannah doing much other than complaining the whole damn time. She couldn’t have even squeezed in a swear or attempted to steal him from somebody, hey? My team was the only one with two players who didn’t pick up a single point. Thanks for showing up, ladies.
Jaimi (Jami), Kristina (Shanny), Josephine (Jami), Astird (Hank), Liz (Shanny), Brittany (Hank)
Nick doesn’t recognize Alexis so she goes back and puts on the shark suit and lives to see another week despite still believing that she’s a dolphin. Liz tells the girls that she’s seen Nick’s birthday suit and they proceed to go ape shit. Chris Harrison stirs the pot before watching the bomb explode from a window far away. Josephine hits Nick so hard that Sidney Crosby picks up his tenth concussion. Corinne hunts for blood during the first group date, realizes it’s hard work actually working, and brings her nanny in for one of those glorious looking cucumber bowl things. Is there a one on one date tonight? If so, Danielle M gets it.
Episode 2 airs tonight at 9 on ABC, unless you have the east coast channels, then it airs at like 6 or something and I hate you.