Bachelor Episode 3 Preview And ENS Fantasy Draft Update
Drama! Drama everywhere. We watched as Corinne fought vigorously against the battlefield. We watched as Danielle M melted our hearts. We watched as Liz got dumped on a group date. We watched as Josephine clobbered Nick with a savage right hook. If all that doesn’t make for high quality TV then I’m not sure what does.
Let’s get right into it…
|Elizbeth W||20||Hailey||20||Ida Marie||0|
As you can see, it’s an absolute bloodbath. My team had a monster week, thanks largely to bachelor phenom, Corinne, and her feud with another Team Shanny member, Taylor. Danielle M was picked for the first one-on-one date, and she crushed it. Life’s good in the penthouse.
Jami’s team predictably brought their game up after week one. She still has nine left, whereas Hank and I only have six each. Her balanced attack for hard working role players like Christen and Raven kept her afloat. Even Josephine brought her game. Still expecting big things from Vanessa and Sarah, who are both sitting quietly, waiting for their moment to pounce.
Hank’s team has been placed on waivers.
Dumped (Round Taken)
Team Shanny: Liz (5)
It’s only January 16th but the thing I’m already most grateful for in 2017 is that I never have to listen to Liz tell us about how she got piped by Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding ever again. Thank GOD. She was painfully annoying. Liz was on my team and I was still rooting for old balls to send her home.
Corinne (Shanny): 110 points
Corinne is a bonafide superstar. She was born to rule, and that’s exactly what she’s doing. She’s the Cersei Lannister of this show–doing whatever it takes to win. All that only solidifies my belief that she will literally fuck his dick right off. She’s 50 shades of crazy. My star forward piled up 110 points for me last week(!!!)!!!! That’s more than Jami’s team had after the first episode. She’s 60 points behind Hank’s entire roster. And I should have got bonus points for the boob grab.
A big part of me wants to loathe her. I swear. Like when she told literally everyone to stop bitching about being interrupted…
…then immediately proceeded to bitch about getting interrupted.
But then she goes and drops a power move from space after cleaning up the floor with her subordinates:
I don’t care what you say, dropping “Xoxo, Gossip Girl” in front of a room full of people you just defeated is the very moment that you completely establish your utter dominance. Channeling her inner Dan Humphrey, another notable villain, except I think some people actually liked that sociopath. Corinne has virtually no fans or friends right now, except maybe Lacey but she’s about like probably two episodes away from getting dumped anyways, so who cares.
Danielle M (Shanny): 50 points
America’s sweetheart. Loves Ferris wheels.
My team is so good it’s almost unfair. Danielle M is everybody’s current favourite, and rightfully so. She’s the cutest thing that’s ever lived. I promise you she won’t say a swear the entire season. Those words don’t exist in her lexicon. Nick’s first date with Danielle M started by taking a helicopter onto a private yacht floating in the Pacific, then drank champagne in a hot tub while snacking on some wonderfully looking imported cheese. After their romantic dinner for two, at a place reserved for literally just the two of them, Nick finished the night by taking Danielle on an evening Ferris wheel ride. Sometimes I take girls to Cactus Club.
Raven (Jami): 40 points
Real underdog story. In a surprise move, Raven really brought up her fantasy game last week. First of all, I am in love with her southern accent. And I don’t throw that word around lightly: love. It’s sacred, saved for only extremely special occasions, like anytime I see Sarah, or whenever Raven opens her mouth. So I’m low-key glad she had a big day, even though she’s playing for the opposition. She dropped three swears, talked about her previous relationship, and stole Nick while he was making out with Lacey.
Side note, can we actually talk about that for a minute? Nick’s completely given up on the standard rules of society and is just making out with anybody who wants it without a goddamn care in the world. You know Nick is a compulsive make outer when he’s playing with Lacey’s tongue just for fun. She hasn’t done anything important. I sometimes forget who she is. She is so useless that she was told to be a bridesmaid while Danielle L and all of her glory took bridal pictures with their shared boyfriend, and yet Nick still didn’t pass up on the opportunity for a little tonsil hockey. He’s a 20-year-old at the Ranch trapped in a 36-year-old’s body.
Dominique (Hank): 0 points, 5 total
Is she even on the show?
Whitney (Jami): 0 points, 5 total
She’s been a pretty big letdown. Need to get her on a group date or something, at least.
Elizabeth W (Shanny): 15 points, 20 total
Kind of reminds me of Mike and Dave’s sister–the one who’s getting married and who gets steamrolled by the ATV in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. That’s about all.
JAIMI DATED A GIRL, OH MY!!!!!
The Corinne and Taylor beef is all the current hype. I believe it was Taylor who said something along the lines of, “I’ve met girls like Corinne before, they’re not my friends.” Ladies , please! It’s just Nick! Corinne might actually throw a punch if she tries to interrupt her again.
When the Toronto media tries to compare Auston Matthews to Connor McDavid:
It’s only episode two and I already want Nick to get fired. Evan the dick doctor would have been a better bachelor than old balls over here. He has absolutely no clue what he’s doing. Raven’s second language is standard America English and she understands the concept of the show better than the guy who’s been on it a thousand times. The least stupid of all the stupid things that he did was neglect to defuse the Liz-situation by using humour as a defense mechanism right off the bat. The most stupid thing he did was letting Corinne interrupt every girl on the show, twice, and make my girl Sarah wait outside in the cold while he made out with the blonde villain for the fifth time in nine minutes.
Speaking of Sarah, she’s still the best:
She could elope with me in Vegas any day.
You could legit see the fear in Nick’s eyes when he remebered he invited Josephine on a group date that involved the girl’s fake breaking up with him. The slap heard around the world. She terrifies me.
Brittany from out of nowhere!!
Dominique (Hank), Whitney (Jami), Jasmine G (Jami), Elizabeth W (Shanny)
The episode starts with Nick having to hand out the group date rose to one of the girls from that incredibly awkward group date. Problem is, Liz was the only memorable one. Other than Joey Bats throwing a haymaker from Orion’s Belt, nothing else really worthwhile happened. Nick, being the standup guy that he is, gives the rose to himself.
Back at the mansion, the ladies get ready for their second rose ceremony. Corinne makes sure Taylor’s within an earshot every time she talks about the dream she had of Nick. Alexis gets her boobs a birthday present. Nick calls for Chris, and both Christen and Chris Harrison come running. Danielle L finally steps up her game. Vanessa begins her quest for the throne. And Nick giggles like an idiot when he tells the women that he boned Liz.