Bachelor Episode 4 Preview And ENS Fantasy Draft Update

I’ll be honest, I’m still hungover from Saturday. Haven’t moved much these last few days. Nothing gets you immediately on the sauce like bringing out 20 body bags for Calgary to sleep in. But it’s Bachelor Monday.

Last week’s episode kicked off with Nick telling the girls he bumped uglies with Liz. Guys, think back to high school. Remember your first time? The best part was going to school the next day and telling all the boys that you finally laid pipe. You’d have this dumb, shit-eater grin on your face the entire time you talked about it. Hey Nick, explain to 21 women that one of the contestants had jumped your bones:

Congrats on the sex, bro. I have never seen a man as old as old balls here be so uncomfortable talking about the hokey pokey. The worst part was he thought that would be a huge deal. Did he assume the women thought he was a virgin? He’s seen the inside of not one, but TWO fantasy suites, and that’s not even including paradise. Such an idiot. That’s an absolute banger of a tie though.

Now then, let’s get right into it:

Standings:

Shanny 475   Jami 460   Hank 335
Corinne 205 Vanessa 105 Alexis 70
Danielle M 65 Jasmine G 85 Danielle L 60
Taylor 60 Raven 65 Brittany 50
Rachel 55 Christen 50 Astrid 45
Kristina 40 Jaimi 50 Dominique 45
Liz 25 Josephine 35 Lacey 35
Elizbeth W 20 Sarah 30 Briana 15
Angela 5 Hailey 25 Olivia 10
Michelle 0 Whitney 15 Lauren 5
Susannah 0 Jasmine B 0 Ida Marie 0

As expected, my team took a step back this week. Can’t have all the dates every week. Corinne’s practically McDaviding my team at this point. Soft-spoken Danielle took the week off. Taylor didn’t feud with Corinne. Kristina’s accent was intriguing at first but I don’t know, now it’s kind of bothering me. Rachel has been my surprise pick thus far.

Jami’s team had a monster week, mostly thanks to Vanessa. But she’s picking up sneaky points all over the map thanks in large part to still basically having her entire roster available.

Hank’s rebuilding.

Dumped (Round Taken)

Hailey, Team Jami (6)

Lost our first good Canadian girl of the tournament. Lucky for Jami, she still has like everybody else. And we had a crier, ladies and gentlemen! Ah, yes. Nothing gets me howling like a girl who flat out bawls after getting dumped by a guy who she’s known for like 14 days, and who is also not-so-low-key dating 20 other women. Hell ya.

Lacey, Team Hank (2)

Last week I said Lacey had maybe two or three more episodes left before she was sent home. I was wrong. She had one. It was already an off-the-board pick when Hank grabbed Lacey in the first round. Now she’s done. Hank’s team is banged up.

Elizabeth W, Team Shanny (6)

Dominique, Team Hank (7)

The Dominique scene was actually sneaky sad. I did not think I’d say that at the start of the show. She had maybe four lines all series, but it by far felt like the most real scene of Nick’s season. For the first time I think maybe ever, Nick did the right thing. She wasn’t going to win. She wasn’t going to make it passed the week. So save her the trouble and the stress, and give her a whole-hearted reason on why it’s not working out. Can’t believe I’m going to say this, but good job, old balls.

Swipe Right

Corinne (Shanny): 205 points

Professional napper Corinne had another blockbuster week. Apart from it being the “worst day of her life” literally minutes after a man licked whipped cream off her boob, she’s still in full control.

I could do a blog each week, just the shit that Corinne says. She’s hilarious to watch. Made for TV. One liner after one liner. And as an added bonus, sometimes she takes her clothes off.

One of the girls said something along the lines of: “I don’t know what Nick sees in her.” I’m also pretty sure she was serious. Let’s look at what we know about her:

A) She’s hot

B) She’s rich

C) Her vagine is platinum (allegedly)

Now, is Corinne wife material? Actually, I’m not going to answer that. But here’s a gif of her putting cream on her boobs:

I couldn’t find a gif of the bouncy castle. It’s probably for the best.

Vanessa (Team Jami): 105 points

Corinne has over 200 points and legit only one other person has over a century. And it’s a good Canadian girl! Things got a little messy (literally) when she started to puke in the airplane thing. But that’s how you can judge if a man is into a woman or not. If you still look at her like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world like literally minutes after she yacks into a paper bag or… like, I don’t know, maybe all over the side of your bed, then you know it’s real.

Danielle L (Team Hank): 60 points

Hank’s had just a horrible tournament, but lucky for him I think Danielle L has a huge chance at winning the whole thing. Nothing bothers her. She’s hot, confident, smart, well-spoken, and is a natural born dancer. If all that sounds too good for Nick, it’s because it is. But this is where we are.

Swipe Left

Whitney (Team Jami): 15 points

There are five girls who’ve been eliminated and still have more points than Whitney.

Josephine (Team Jami): 35 points

You see a trend here? At some point Jami’s players need to be sent home. Needs to happen. It’s unsustainable. And Josephine still scares the absolute shit out of me.

Jaimi (Team Jami): 50 points

Did you see Nick’s face when she said something about her not wanting to be the weird lesbian?

Final Thoughts

Astrid’s boobs.

That Backstreet Boys date was actually so awesome. It’s great to see those guys haven’t died from too many nights on the nose beers.

But seriously, the dates this season have actually been kind of outstanding. Last year, Jami played soccer haha.

Nick’s an ignorant asshole for making Jaimi sit there in the sun watching hot girls get sweaty doing sports things.

I should have taken points away from Corinne for using the word ‘intercourse’ when talking about sex. Is that was Raquel tells you to say?

Speaking of Raquel, now all the girls know about her. That should go over well.

BUT SHE LOVES BEING A SLAVE TO A RICH 24 YEAR OLD! So suck it, world.

Hey Sarah.

Every time a girl is feeling down, or is having a problem, or needs to vent, they go straight for Sarah. Classic Sarah.

Prediction

I have a sick, twisted feeling in my stomach that Sarah’s going home soon. Part of me is all like, yes, now we can finally elope in Vegas! But then the other part of me is like wait, that means I have to watch the rest of this season with more Nick and no Sarah. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

Also, enough with the two hour episodes. And stop leaving them on cliffhangers. Let’s get back to traditional Bachelor viewing. All I need is an hour of girls fighting over a guy who sucks and they barely know and who just sucks. Mix in a couple fire Corinne lines, end it on a rose ceremony, and we have great TV.

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