The Battle, Reborn: Flames @ Oilers



I’ve spent basically my entire day getting fired up for this game. Just locked myself in my room for about an hour and CRANKED some Rage Against the Machine while I envisioned throttling Calgary from behind. That’s the kind of shit I do before big games. That’s how I get the blood boiling. This isn’t your regular, run-of-the-mill game day blog. This is a Saturday night battle against our enemies. A war between two teams who are suddenly relevant again, and who are both fighting against each other for a playoff spot. There was a rough period for a while there. We might have even almost nearly forgot just how much we hate these bums because the games were so boring or uneventful or meaningless or stupid. But this here, this is what we live for. The old school, Battle of Alberta shit we used to get up for as kids. Did I mention it’s a Saturday? Saturdays are for the boys, and crushing the Flames.

Also, I did a chin up today. Suck it, Sam Bennett.


This is actually a story today. The standard ‘nothing really changes except maybe Matty Ice’ lineup is a little banged up today. First of all, Adam Larsson picked up a phantom lower body injury somewhere, so he’s out. Gryba draws back in. Next, JJ Khaira has the flu. Not surprising, given that he played outdoors in Hurricane Sandy about a week ago, then got called up to a city that’s endured -30 since like Thanksgiving. Matty Ice draws back in.

Tonight’s Opponent

The 403

Why They Stink

THEIR LEADING SCORER IS MIKAEL BACKLUND OH MY GOD!!!! Hahahahaha like what? Seriously? Backlund? I can’t even believe he still plays there. This former first round toilet plunger has sneaky played in Calgary for about 20 years now and still hasn’t eclipsed the 50 point plateau. That’s who we’re in charge of locking down tonight. Mikael Backlund. How much of a burn is it that Calgary’s had a front row as both Wayne Gretzky and now Connor McDavid torched them while playing for their biggest rivals, and their current leading scorer is Mikael Backlund? God is too good. Oh and one time they drafted a kicker.

Why Their Fans Stink

BOOBS! Quick, every bro in site grab your cameras:

Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

Why Their Whole Entire Dumb Stupid Idiot Roster Stinks

I tried to think of just one player for this, like I usually do. But there’s just so much puke on this roster. Can’t narrow it down to one. But why don’t we start with Dougie Hamilton and his soon-to-be nonexistent ankles?

Then there’s my personal nemesis, Micheal Ferland. I want to see that squid try to pull something on el Connor tonight, just to see what Kassian does about it.

There’s Sam Bennett and his no fucking chin ups.

There’s this slew footing turbo puke and his 400 pound beluga of a dad:

There’s Brian Elliott and his 1.63 billion GAA..

There’s that wildly overrated idiot, Sean Monahan.

There’s that little pipsqueak, Ellen Page.

Haven’t even touched on infamous linesman murder, Dennis Wideman.

Lance Bouma makes $2.2 mil and has 11 points in the last two years.

And Brian Burke is hockey’s King Joffrey.

Why They Might Not Stink

Haha, good one.


This is, without question, the most meaningful BoA in the history of most of our adult lives. Not only are both teams good, but we’re currently in a “battle” with Calgary for a divisional playoff spot (I use “battle” here loosely, because after tonight we’ll be five points up with a game in hand, so). The Silent Jungle might even make a little noise tonight.

Brian Elliott is starting in goal. I repeat, Brian Elliot is starting in goal. Happy goddamn birthday, Connor. We’ve scored 12 goals on him in two games.


I either want to physically assault them or have it be a back and fourth beat down between two clubs that quite frankly can’t stand each other. So 8-0 or like 7-5. Nothing in between. Both Connor and Leon need two points to hit 100 for their respective careers. So they both get five. The Big Rig gets five too. Jordan Eberle finally scores. Matty Vegas gets one, because duh. And Kassian gets a Gordie. I’m expecting big things from him tonight.

I’m going with my gut here and saying it’s a close one. Oilers take it 7-5. And happy Battle day.


Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
Notify of