Give Me My Goddamn Jerseys: Panthers @ Oilers

Oh I’ve been waiting all year to write about these shit bags.

Lineup

In other news, Jordan Oesterle was sent down for the fourth time this week.

Tonight’s Opponent

Enron

“Free jersey”…sure, free my goddamn jerseys.

Why They Lie To You, Those Corrupt Scumbags

Some of you already know the story, but during the lockout-shortened 2013 season I seen that preposterous deal the Florida Panthers were launching. One ticket, a year-long parking pass, and one jersey for what works out to being $7 a game. I burst out laughing. I didn’t just want to buy them, I had to buy them. And this was before ENS had been created. I mean, Christ. The retail value of one of those jerseys is $125 USD. I paid, with taxes and everything included, about $350 USD for the tickets. Two of those jerseys cover over half the cost of my season tickets. I literally bought them for the jerseys.

So a representative calls me up, we talk a bit of hockey, he tells me a few things about the tickets I will never sit in, I pretend to care. We then dig into the real reason why I was here: the jerseys. Since I was buying two tickets, I was getting two jerseys. I ordered two mediums. One for me, the other for my buddy—an inexplicably big Panthers fan.

Two months go by and still no jerseys. Ok. Fine. They’re probably back ordered like crazy. But I call my guy anyways. His name was Scott. Scott says they don’t ship to Canada, which I think is absurd, because I’m pretty sure Canadians bought all of those $7 tickets. But fine. I tell him I can get a Florida address for them, and he says that’ll work!

So I do. I legitimately found a Florida address to send those stupid fucking fairy tale jerseys too.

One month went by and I still didn’t have any jerseys. I call up Scott again. Scott says they ran out of mediums, and once they had more, they’d ship them. I guess they never got anymore mediums ever again.

Anyways, here’s Matty Ice piledriving Aaron Ekblad into the boards:

Why Their Fans Stink

It still amazes me that I made money off those seats, even without the jerseys*:

*I donated four games to charity because absolutely nobody wanted to pay any amount of dollars to go see Ottawa and Winnipeg. Oh, and one time, I accidentally uploaded Islanders tickets instead of Lightning ones, so the guy bought the wrong ones and StubHub called me up about it. I just gave them both to him, for no extra charge, because whatever.

Which Panther Stinks

This dude, Greg, the new Scott:

*Casual reminder that my given name is Brendan*

Why I didn’t renew in the past? Maybe because your pathetic excuse of a soon-to-be relocated franchise has gone through a complete jersey rebrand and I still don’t have the two you bums owe me. Get some goddamn mediums, you swamp bathing idiots. Move to Quebec.

Can’t knock his enthusiasm though, my dude Greg. Have never once seen anybody that excited about spending to the cap ceiling before. WHAT A DEAL! GO CATS!! Ya okay, Greg. Calm your shit.

Also, Derek MacKenzie is their captain haha what who is he?

Why They Might Not Stink

Jagr is the GOAT behind Gretzky. Take notes, Pool Party:

Roundup

Hey, look! A franchise we dominate!

I’ll take “Things that are rarer than a white lion” for $500, Trebek. For a team that’s endured a sack kicking like we have against perennial juggernauts like Arizona and Minnesota, it feels good to see a team stink against us. Nice to be on the other end of that for a change.

Optimus Reim is starting in goal for the Cats tonight on the second half of a back to back. He sucks so bad. Let the boys EAT.

Prediction

Reimer sucks. Florida sucks. The Panthers suck. It’s been too long since we’ve had a good old fashioned bloodbath. We’re due. Oilers win 7-1. Connor with 8. Shanny with 0.

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