Home Ice Implications While Calgary Completely Implodes: Oilers @ Ducks

Life in Edmonton right now:

Life in Calgary right now:

“Hey look I’m Johnny Hockey I’m doing sports things honey take a picture AH I’M DEAD!”

Things couldn’t be better in NoAl right now. It really started 21 months ago, when we won the McLottery just minutes before Calgary got their teeth pummeled by Anaheim in the second round. Then the ‘Skos won the Grey Cup. Then the Flames plummeted back down the Earth. Then the Stamps had the (alleged) greatest CFL season in the history of ever that ended by choking to a virtual expansion team that spells their name with capital fucking letters. Now, Connor is leading the NHL in scoring, mercilessly terrorizing defensemen, and is in the midst of captaining the Oilers into a first place race hours before the league breaks for All Star festivities for the first time since you were born:

Meanwhile, in SoAl, elite player Sam Bennett is proving to be as capable of being a useful hockey player as he is at doing a chin-up, Brian Elliot is letting in goals from 2012, Matt Tkachuk has pizza for a face, Sean Monahan doesn’t exist, and Ellen Page is still peeling herself off the ice following that Leo Komarov detonation. Ugh, hell ya.

Alright, enough of the bottom feeders. We play the Ducks tonight. I hate the Ducks.

Lineup

When you drop a touchdown plus the PAT on your provincial rivals in their own goddamn house you naturally rock the same lineup the following game. With one, obvious change, of course:

Tonight’s Opponent

Anaheim Ducks. Originally named after these guys:

Why They Stink

They not only traded us a possible 30 goal scorer for Martin Gernat (6 points, 29 games, Sparta Praha), but they’re also still paying 25% (!!!!) of his salary. When the Big Rig pots three on them tonight they’ll literally be paying him to score on them.

Why Ducks Fans Stink

Remember their Cup win back in ’07? Well instead of doing a traditional parade, the Ducks held a rally in their arena parking lot to celebrate being hockey champions of the world, thinking more fans could enjoy it that way. In an all time backfire move from Pluto, it wound up being the Trump inauguration of hockey championships. Here’s what happened:

There was utter joy in Duckville on Saturday night.

More than 15,000 hockey fanatics, waving signs that declared “We Got the Cup,” partied outside Anaheim’s Honda Center to mark the Ducks’ Stanley Cup championship victory and bask in what many said was the long overdue respect for the icy sport in sunny Southern California.

Uhm, 15,000 people? To celebrate California’s first ever Stanley Cup? On a Saturday night?!? Jesus, Anaheim. Relocate. Makes Ottawa’s ‘Save Spezza rally’ look like Eid at the Hajj. That’s less than we’d stuff into the Concrete Jungle, in February, while 65 points out of a playoff spot, on a goddamn Tuesday. Christ, St. Albert would put 15,000 people in the parking lot at Akinsdale if the Merchants won provincials.

Which Duck Stinks

POW!! Right in the Kesler:

Also, Luis Mendoza. Fuck Luis Mendoza. Buddy couldn’t stop and still somehow made the Olympic team.

Why They Might Not Stink

That superabundant prodigious bum Ryan Kesler has held McDaddy to just one point in five career games against Anaheim.

The Roundup

For the first time in my life, I cheered for the Winnipeg Jets last night. Guess how that one turned out. We’re now four back of San Jose for first.

Also, Anaheim keeps winning. They’re 6-1-1 in their last eight, coming off a narrow victory against–GUESS WHO–Winnipeg on Monday. The City of Meadows doing me absolutely no favours at all.

A common misconception is that this should be a difficult game for the boys. It isn’t. We can play with these bums. I know it. Connor knows it. You know damn well the Rig knows it. Besides, there’s a very realistic possibility we could be playing these guys in the bonus season come April. We’re three points back with a game in hand. I know the definition of four point games might be a little vague to some, because Oilerz, but this is one of them! In about seven hours we could either be one or five points back of the Ducks. Can’t have the latter.

Ok, one more time:

Prediction

Oh captain, my captain. Randy Carlyle has Kesler shadow McDavid for the sixth straight game. However, Connor gets four, and Carlyle’s elite shutdown pest is one-punched directly into early retirement. Good one, Randy.

On top of Connor’s four, Leon gets three. The Big Rig also gets three, and steals a puck. And before you can say “Ryan Getzlaf’s bald spot” it’s 5-rip for the fellas. Oilers end up winning 6-2. It’s a goddamn blowout by the 14 minute mark of the second, so naturally hall of fame tough guy Kevin Bieska tries to take a run at all 5’9″ of Drake Caggiula, and Kassian loses his already loose marbles, giving that little punk ass of a punk a good preview of what to expect for game 83.

Speaking of 83, Matty Vegas gets two.


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