Leafs’ Blogger Argues Matthews Is Better Than McDaddy In Laugh Out Loud Funny Take

FanSided – Perhaps it is this new age world where any diversion from the norm is met with the scorn of a thousand angry liberals, but I was afraid. But as of 3:40 into overtime in today’s NHL Centennial Classic with the Toronto Maple Leafs and Detroit Red Wings, I will stay silent no more!

Auston Matthews is better than Connor McDavid.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god it doesn’t end. We haven’t had one of these to laugh at in a while. This is some good shit, Miroki. Let’s get one thing clear: there’s no way this bum actually thinks el Connor is Auston Matthews’ subordinate. No chance. First of all, that would imply that this genius wouldn’t trade Auston Matthews straight up for Connor McDavid. Just think about that one for half a second. And the obxious, this is just simply the purest form of clickbait in internet history. Buzzfeed and Elite Daily would be impressed. Just look at his tweet:

He is on his hands and knees begging Oil fans to click that bait. And yes, by acknowledging this dumpster fire of an article’s existence I am in fact adding fuel to that said fire. But there’s no way I’m going to sit back and ignore this obnoxious array of homerism. No chance. I live for this shit. I want everybody to see it just because 2016 was one piss dump of a year and we all deserve a great laugh. I actually applaud the hell out of this man for doing whatever he can to get clicks. Can’t knock that hustle. It’s incredible. Adam Smith, David Ricardo, Jimmy Steuart, and all those other dead bros are fist pumping in their graves because it’s only January 2nd and Nick Frost is already firing hot takes on all cylinders. We don’t need pitchforks when literally nobody is mad, Nick. We’re all laughing. So goddamn hard. Let’s go roll through his arguments for shits and gigs:

Argument 1: He’s heavy

One of the most impressive things about Matthews and his line mates (usually Hyman + either Nylander or Brown) is their ability to cycle the puck deep, and generate scoring plays.

This is the type of play that wins Stanley Cups. Sure, anyone can hit homers in June, but who can get the bunt down in October? You need to have a skillset that translates to the playoff grind.

In addition to having an amazingly underrated shot, Matthews has a nose for the net. He is not afraid to go to the dirty areas and score. He reminds me of a Mario Lemieux / Dave Andreychuk / Jaromir Jagr hybrid.

Not to put too much (more) pressure on the guy, but he probably is going to score 500 goals from a 6-foot radius in front of the net.

Another bonus to Matthews’ size is you wouldn’t see a Kadri muscle him. Ever. I love Nazem Kadri, but if you think a guy of that size would manhandle Matthews like Kadri did to McDavid, keep dreaming.

Connor McDavid’s number 1 asset is his speed, but that edge is surely made up for by Matthews’ heaviness.

 

Hear that, guys? Matthews EATS! Congrats on the food! Okay then. The Big Rig was eating before Auston was born. Ask any defensemen how much Connor’s weight matters when all 190 lbs of him has torched their ankles at the blue line. Plus, we already have our heavy guy:

The Nazem Kadri argument was outstanding. Connor had two points in two games this year against the Leafs (sic). Matthews had one. Do we even know who shut him down for us? Was it Letestu? Nuge? Does anybody notice, or care?

That’s because nobody flinches when Matthews doesn’t register a point, yet we hyper-analyze the moon’s orbit when we don’t see a McPoint in 60 minutes.

Argument 2: He plays defense

I have watched a lot of Edmonton Oilers hockey. More than I would wish upon my worst enemy. I’m just not a believer in Connor McDavid’s defensive acumen. I loved it when Kadri stripped him of the puck and scored the game winner in the Oilers vs. Leafs part one.

Then he proceeded to go cry to the referee, albeit unsuccessfully. On 12/23/16 I watched the San Jose Sharks defeat the Oilers in overtime.

I realize most Leafs fans are not degenerates such as myself and stay up watching West Coast games. For those of you who do, high five! But for those who do not, let me tee this up. The San Jose Sharks are an amazing overtime team. When they get the puck, they just do laps around the ice until you miscue and then they strike.

It’s a brilliant strategy. On this particular play, McDavid does some sort of half-assed stick check and tries to cheat up the boards, hoping his defenseman will bail him out / spring him on a breakaway. Talk about some lazy play! Pay close attention to the 40 second + mark. The lollygagging skate back into the zone, while Labanc buries the winner.

I know its only 2 plays, but they are both OT losers courtesy of the “Next One”. You’d be hard-pressed to show me evidence of Matthews being so lazy /soft/selfish. I think Matthews being given the assignment of matching up against Henrik Zetterberg today shows you what Coach Babcock thinks of his defensive responsibility.

Last year, Connor McDavid went -1 on one of the worst defensive teams any of us have ever watched, so this is the part where I really start to believe the article is satirical. The fact that he’s reduced to calling McDaddy a crier is one thing. The fact that he’s reduced to pulling random games out of a hat as proof that Auston > Connor is a whole new level of stretching it. “One time, I watched McDavid go dash 3 against the St. Louis Blues on 10/15/15 that guy STINKS at defense Auston’s better *sniffs butt*.” This psycho used the words half-assed, lollygagging, lazy, soft, and selfish when referring to el Connor. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Even Calgary thinks he should put down the meth.

And did you hear, Matthews was intentionally matched up against ZETTERBERG!! Now could you imagine if this was 2008?

Argument 3: He is a big game hunter

Matthews scored 4 goals his first game. In addition, he has scored the Leafs opening goal in 9 occasions this year. His overtime winner tonight was a near perfect backhander.

This isn’t a player who is padding his score sheet with a dozen PP goals, like some people. Ill give you a hint: rhymes with Hat trick Swine-eh. When the bright lights are shining and game is on the line, this is a guy who thrives. Precisely the type of player you dream of building your team around.

At the end of the day, no one is going to doubt McDavid’s blazing speed and knack for scoring. Like Matthews, he is basically the driver on his line at all times. They have different skill sets, but in my opinion Auston Matthews’ happens to be one I’d rather have on a team looking to win.

If I was a betting man, I’d put the farm on McDavid having more Art Ross trophies, but Matthews finishing with more Hart’s and Stanley Cups.

 

God I hope that farm sucks, dude.

If you didn’t hear, Auston Matthews scored two goals in an outdoor game against alleged person, Jared Coreau. He also scored four goals in his first NHL game (!!!). That was truly impressive. What’s even more impressive is how Nick Frost over here would rather have Auston Matthews on a team looking to win, based on basically just that (oh, and he’s heavy, and defense). He also managed to fire a shot at Laine in this argument too for some bizarre reason, like that guy really needs it right now. He’s got enough on his plate.

And there we have it. This guy managed to sell clicks on three shit awful arguments about why Auston is better than el Connor.

Thanks for the lols, FanSided! Happy Monday!

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