No, I’m Not Worried About This Losing Streak, And You Shouldn’t Be Either
— One5six14 (@one5six14) February 4, 2017
— Jason Fischer (@1fischerJason) February 4, 2017
So last night the Oilers dropped their third straight. It’s only the second time this entire year they’ve gone three in a row without getting at least a point. But naturally, because Edmonton Oilers, many fans seem to be in complete chaos. Look, I know what we’ve been through. No fan base in the history of sports other than maybe the Timberwolves and possibly the Browns* can imagine what it was like to be us from June ’06 to October ’16. There was a time where dropping three straight in Edmonton was called a “week of hockey.” But now, we’ve had a little taste of greatness. We’ve seen Connor annul some ankles. We’ve witnessed the emergence of Leon Draisaitl. Iceman had a little secks with gurl and made twins and suddenly he’s playing like a combination of Tretiak and Roy. Seven days ago I would have looked anybody in the eyes and told them that these Oilers may have potentially saved my life. Literally, one week ago today we were coming off the hottest streak that almost all of us had ever seen in our lives. We haven’t been in the same area code as the playoffs since the first (and last) season of Hannah Montana dropped on Disney. So naturally, in the first season in almost ever that we’re cruising into the playoffs, dropping what used to be a very below average amount of games in a row for this team has sent the entire city into a free-for-all Armageddon level of panic.
And I know this doesn’t apply to everyone. For example:
— The Rowe Report (@TheRoweReport) February 4, 2017
Dammit rights, McJesus. Dammit rights. That’s the kind of positive thinking we need when the times are tough. Just sit back, crack open a cold one, and go, “Oh ya, Calgary’s leading scorer is Mikael Backlund, and we have this guy:”
But for every Rowe Report, there’s 63 Ryan McCarthy’s ready to pummel your feelings:
@EdmontonOilers The Oilers are so shit
— Ryan McCarthy (@rmccarthy16_mc) February 4, 2017
And the next thing I’m about to show you may offend some readers, so reader discretion advised:
@EdmontonOilers get a new goalie that stops pucks
— GD (@derrickson82) February 4, 2017
Never go full sociopath.
Now, things aren’t perfect at the moment, I’ll admit that. It’s never easy losing three in a row. We should know, we did it all the time. But there are a couple things we can do to re-achieve the level of greatness in which we were at 144 hours ago:
Have Another All Star Game
Since it was obviously the All Star Game that cursed us, it’s time to bring out the oldest trick in the books: hold another one.
The classic “reverse the curse” trick. Double negative effect. 60 percent of the time, it works every time. It’s perfect timing too, what with the bye week and all that right around the corner. Hold a mini ASG at the Rog Mahal. Like the Skills Competition, but better. We can even have Connor do the fastest skater with a head start and just flat out annihilate Dylan Larkin’s fairy tale record.
Convince Matty Ice to Retire Like Right Now
Ugh, look. This isn’t easy for me to admit. It’s like your family dog being in stage four of terminal cancer and having to admit that it’s time to say goodbye. That’s like watching Matty Ice play hockey in 2017. He just doesn’t have anything left to give, because he’s already given his all to this team—even his nuts. You can’t trade him, and you can’t put him on waivers because that’d be so goddamn rude. But maybe he can be persuaded into taking a bench job for the rest of the year. Not the one he currently has, but one where he’s in a suit standing beside Friggin’ Todd and that dumb idiot Woodcroft. The boys listen to him. Give him a coaching title and let him motivate the fellas so he still gets his name on the Cup in June. Matty Ice, baby:
Call Up Pool Party
This is the obvious move. There was once a time (October-December) where we’d lose a few games, then Jesse would smile and all the stress and anxiety I’ve inadvertently built from 10 years of Oilerz would magically disappear. He didn’t even have to play, just his sheer presence made everything feel better. Sure, sending him down was the best possible move ever and in fact probably months too late, but he’s served his time. And he’s damn well crushed the AHL like he crushed that pizza in Detroit. When Matty Ice retires and Pouliot gets sent to the moon and Eberle takes his mental health sabbatical there will be spots (plural) for my boy to come home. God I miss this face:
Hire a New DJ
Has probably nothing to do with the losing streak, I just can’t stand that bum.
Have Dollar Beer Night at the Rog Mahal
I’ve mentioned this before, and I’m telling you, it’s foolproof. Other than Matty Ice for sure needing to not play anymore I’m a little bit unsure of the others getting us success again if we’re being completely honest (like, 90/10). This one is a 100 percent guarantee. You want a deafening crowd that makes the Seahawks 12th man sound like a middle school choir? Tell us beer is one buck. This building was built on the foundation of lower bowl suits. And to be honest, they’ve really let us down this year. But I promise if you pump dozens of cheap lagers into their systems they’ll bring the heat like this little guy:
Can’t have an iPhone in your hands when both of them are carrying cold ones. There’s absolutely no way the team loses if the suits start bringing the heat like that kid. Plus, the fans get to save a little money for cold ones in April. Applicable preview for what’s about to come as well. Daryl, I’m looking at you here.
*Alright, definitely the Browns too: