The Avs are a Turbo Hot Mess and We Play Them Twice in Three Days: Oilers @ Avalanche

Imagine having a four point lead on the Art Ross race and still getting to face the worst team in the world twice in 72 hours? Well here we go!!

Oh shit yes. Tonight, and Saturday, we unleash the Connor on the worst team this league has produced since the expansion Thrashers. Daddy’s already racked up five points in three career games against the Avalanche, a stat that includes a three point night from earlier this year. And they were a .500 hockey team back then! Fantasy owners with McDavid everywhere are praising the hockey gods for giving the Oil back-to-back games against the league’s biggest accident during playoff season.


Alright, let it rip:

Kind of a shock but the Iceman will cometh in Denver this evening. He’s up against future USHL goalie coach Jeremy Smith. Smith is 1-5 with a 3.44 GAA and a .890 SV% this season. A couple fresh faces better at least mean Matty Vegas.

In other news:

Ugh, Christ. Looks like the curtain has finally closed on the Tony Lander era in Edmonton. Great guy. Even better minor leaguer. I’ll always remember that preseason hat trick. All the best, Tony. Thanks for the memories…

Tonight’s Opponent

Colorado Avalanche

Why They Stink

Let me quote the Denver Post on this one:

The Avs are so bad they’re hazardous to marital bliss.

Hazardous to marital bliss.

Even when the Oilers were Oilerzing aimlessly around Northlands they still weren’t “hazardous to marital bliss” bad. And that’s quoted directly from an article titled: “These awful Avs are a complete turn-off. But does team ownership even care?” And the tragic irony in all of this is that they don’t! We (I) complained and complained and complained about Katz, sometimes justifiably, during the Oilerz decade, but at least he was semi-present during that dysfunctional mess. The Kroenke’s are so far up the butts of the LA Rams that they’re completely and embarrassingly oblivious to the Avs’ atomic dump of a season. I legitimately think they forgot they own this team. Nobody seems to care.

Why Their Fans Stink:

We all have our own coping mechanisms for really terrible hockey. We had lottery drafts and organization-initiated propaganda. Toronto had the Raptors. Arizona has great weather. Vancouver has Cactus Club Coal Harbour. Colorado has legal pot.

Look at that man. So hopped up on goofballs and grass. Doesn’t have a care in the world.

Which Av Stinks

I’m going to use the word anemic to describe the Avalanche roster. I love that word, anemic. You see, anemic is a word used to describe something that is lacking power and/or vitality, and that same something is strongly considered listless and/or weak. So when I say, “The Colorado Avalanche are anemic,” I mean that the Colorado Avalanche lack power and vitality, and are listless and weak. For example, here’s still-somehow-NHLer Blake Comeau with an anemic attempt at a wide open breakaway:

Tyson Barrie also gave us possibly the most anemic breakout in NHL history.

Yes. It took Tyson Barrie 15 minutes to move the puck out of his zone to breakout a play that ultimately ended in an offside. The 2016-17 Colorado Avalanche.

The Roundup

Is it possible that this team sold at the deadline and somehow got better? Professional benchwarmer Andreas Martinsen was dealt to Montreal, and they convinced LA to take Jarome Iginla by offering him up for literally nothing.

Well, the Avs are now an impressive 3-8 since the deadline. By my calculations… no, that’s not exactly better than they’ve played all year. That’s about on par, actually. At one point, Colorado won four totally games in two months, including one win in the entire month of January. So I guess that is better than January. Colorado actually started the season 3-1, and they’ve rocketed to 17-49-3 since. After we pummel them tonight, they’ll become just the 4th team to register 50 or more losses in a season since 2002 (Arizona, Buffalo, and Buffalo again… yes, as hysterically atrocious as we were, we never once finished with that many losses. Incredible).

With 10 games left, it’s all but a given that they’ll finish with the most losses in a regular season since the expansion Thrashers (57, 1999-00). And yes, they could potentially lose out and finish with 59 loses. It’s not out of the question. If they do, that would be the most by any team since Alexandre Daigle’s 1995-96 Ottawa Senators, who also finished with 59. These guys are a whole new realm of suck.

Anyways, here’s Matty Vegas blowing up Nathan MacKinnon:

Textbook explosion. I swear to Connor if Eric Gryba and/or Kris Russell aren’t put in an autopilot version of Iron Man’s suit and launched to Orion’s Belt for Matty Vegas tonight.


8-0 Oilers.

Ya ya respect your opponents and stuff, fine. Whatever. Respect them. Recognize they’re still a professional team. Now go into their building and hammer these feebling imbeciles. God, I can’t wait for these next two games. Even the 18M line makes an appearance during these brief little stretches. Iceman always comes bounces back after a tough outing with an out-of-this-planet performance, and he’s playing the Avs, so he gets win #38. Connor is just decimating players and teams left and right (thoughts and prayers to the Fowler family), and he’s playing the Avs, so he finishes with 4. Big Rig gets a hatty because why not, and because he’s playing the Avs. Kass, Lil Dave, Looch, Letestu, the ghost of Jordan Eberle. I don’t care who scores, just as long as everyone does. Beat their asses.


PS – This is exactly what other teams’ bloggers would have said and thought about the Oilers for the last 10 years. Remember back in 1 B.C. when we won 24 games? Man. What a stomach flu of a hockey team that was. The grass really is greener on the other side.


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