The Avs are a Turbo Hot Mess and We Play Them Twice in Three Days, Part II: Avs @ Oilers

Long story short: When we play shitty hockey teams, we more than generally obliterate them. Brace yourselves, goals are coming.


This is the right call. Colorado is a goddamn luggage fire and I’m pretty sure their entire roster was at the Pint last night anyways.

What a year.

Tonight’s Opponent

Colorado Avalanche. Third period warriors. Hockey’s poop emoji.

Why They Stink

Other than Detroit or Vancouver, no team has deserved this level of shitness like the Colorado Avalanche. We put up with the Sakic and Roy and Forsberg era while they hammered us for years in the old Northwest Division. Now it’s their turn, and in a tragic yet ironic twist of fate, one of them is driving this ship into the iceberg, the other one bailed months ago because that’s what he does, and the last one is now part-biconical and relearning to walk in Sweden. Fuck this team.

And while we’re at it…

Why Their Fans Stink

Fuck the entire city of Denver hard too. Denver is why nobody is rushing to make weed legal. Thanks to horribly butchered laws and misguided regulations, Denver’s transformed into a more expensive, less appealing Miami. Denver’s what Silicon Valley would be if it renounced its technological possessions and started selling ironic weed symbol t-shirts. It’s a community hall for especially dirty hippy assholes to gather and start failed businesses while skiing with their ski bros on welfare cheques. And I’m so glad the 15,000 or so that accidentally wander into the Pepsi Center to watch these breakaway drop-passing imbeciles lose by six to Dallas are watching their once pretend-beloved Avalanche suffocate in a snowbank. Remember when the Avs sold out hundreds of games in a row until like 2005? Where did they all go? They certainly aren’t at Nuggets games, and one in five Coloradans forgot the Rockies still play in Denver. They’re faker than Von Miller’s glasses.

Which Av Stinks

If it wasn’t already clear, the third period of Thursday’s contest confirmed that the Avs roster is a haven of stink matched only by the toilets of central Mumbai.

Why They Might Not…ah, who are we kidding

The Roundup

Leon’s recent league-wide annihilation has propelled him to 10th in scoring. We now have two players in the top 10 of league scoring this late in the season for the first time since 1988-89 (Kurri, Carson). Both Leon and Connor will add to their totals tonight. Will. They will do it. Colorado is the suck.

There also is a chance, thanks to some incredible luck that came in the form of Dallas taking San Jose to the woodshed last evening, to be part of a three way tie for the division lead come tomorrow morning. Of course Winnipeg couldn’t do us a solid against the Ducks, but April Sharks have announced their presence one month early this season. San Jose is epically imploding and are playing in Nashville later this evening on the second half of a back to back.

We’re going to pummel Colorado tonight. We could take three periods off and still slaughter these hungover laxatives at the Rog Mahal. The biggest question surrounding this game is how close will Connor be to a hundo by 11:00 tonight?


I have the answer. Connor will be eight points away from 100, after tallying five on the Avs en route to an 8-1 decimation. Our magic number is five – five points either by Oilers points accumulated or LA points lost. It’ll be three by the time we’re all hitting the bars. Three more points from making Superfan Magoo’s dream come true. Here we go.


PS – For real though, I could get used to looking at this until the early 2030s:

The league’s scoring race is starting to look like the final three seconds of a Usain Bolt 100m sprint. Putting it into ultra gear and yelling “smell ya” as he zoom roasts his subordinates to cap off the year.

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