Going For The Touchdown Natural Hatty: Canucks @ Oilers

Post-St. Patty’s Day got me like:

My piss is still green. I’m not doing well. But listening to big Louie DeBrusk on the call when the Oilers Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle Vancouver from the rear tonight will be more than exactly what my body needs to be lifted from this truly repulsive state of being.

Basically, what I’m saying is within the span of about two hours last evening I got into both a pizza and a jumbo donair. Hah, hangovers.


No lineup notes for the Oil but big news out of Vancouver:

OH here we go! Dick Bachman (no relation to Erlich) making his triumphant return to Edmonton!!!! The Stormin’ Mormon! Some will recall that Dicky B was the inaugural Grant Fuhr Award Winner for Goalie of the Year during the first ever ENS Awards back in the spring of 2015. Possibly his first award since maybe at least bantam.

Iceman comething, going for his 35th win of the year hahaha okay two years ago we had 24 team wins. He has a good chance of becoming the first ever back-to-back Fuhr Award winner in ENS history.

Tonight’s Opponent

The 2010/2011 and 2011/2012 Presidents’ Trophy winners! Batting an impressive 0.000 in three Cup appearances.

Why They Stink

Who ARE these guys?

At least three of those people can’t possibly be real. No chance. What in Connor’s world is a Joseph Cramarossa? And for the love of god somebody help the Biega family if Connor throws it in fifth gear while their son is on the ice.

Why Their Fans Stink

Nothing gets me going like Louie on the mic (except maybe Connor cleaving ankles, the Big Rig’s cellys, Kassian’s eyes, and Man on Fire). You may remember an incident from back in 2011…

Before Drew Remouthbreather, Louie Debrusk used to call the games. The then-good Vancouver Canucks just annihilated the fellas 6-1 on a casual Friday, in Van. Louie, obviously upset about the boys crushing defeat, whopped the piss out of four (!!!!) Canucks fans, AND two taxis! Patrick Kane was like a proud father. God I love Louie. Think Drew would go to war for the boys? Hahaha no, he’d just tell the world that Connor needs to bare down harder. Ugh. God he sucks.

Anyways, long story short, the Canucks are in town, and Louie’s on the call.

Which Canuck Stinks

He’s still in Utica, but it’s always Jake Virtanen:

Right then. While make-believe people like Joey Cramarossa and Michael Chaput and Jayson Megna and Joe Labate and Reid Boucher play more than regular minutes for the big club, this cake eater is adding to his colossal bust of a resume down in Utica, home of the Comets. And he failed miserably at wheeling one of the sauciest actresses in Hollywood:

Meanwhile, in Shawn Mendes’s DMs:

Friend-zone Jake is just shredding the minors, racking up an impressive 14 points in 51 games with the Comets. The Pool Party—who is a full years younger and who actually fucks—has 22 points in 27 games.

Why They Might Not Stink

One time, in 2013, their Twitter account sent ours back to Nexopia:

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the Oilers Social Media Director published this piece of atomic diarrhea in a desperate attempt to get fired:

#westisbest what the actual fuck? What a historically awful look. I’d rather watch all four (five?) seasons of Oil Change than ever see that tweet ever again. Al was not having any of it:

The Roundup




You know I’m going for it.

Not 4… not 5… not 6…

7-1. The Oilers win 7-1, and we successfully complete the natural 7-trick against one of the league’s newest bottom feeders. Poor Dick. Look the hell out for Superfan Magoo tonight, Rog Mahalers. Connor gets five.

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