Happy Daylight Savings Day! Calgary Has Passed Us:…Habs @ Oilers

This is what happens when we do something insane such as turning the clocks ahead one hour. Thanks for nothing except food, you farmers.

All we had to do was play slightly above average hockey post-ASG and we would have cruised to a top three finish. Instead, we danced around with our dicks in our hands against teams that we should have beat. Meanwhile, Calgary has clobbered basically all of those teams en route to a nine straight streak while my personal nemesis Micheal Ferland scores literally all the damn time. And I’m standing at the top of the high-level, shoving the bird back at whatever higher being hates my guts.

We play the Habs tonight. We’re 1-1-1 on this eight game home stretch. That’s not the best start. This is a winnable game. Here we go.

Lineup

Carey Price has just a miserable record against the Oilers, and the Iceman cometh. Lil Davey’s playing his former team for the first time since the deadline eve blockbuster. Guaranteed goal night. Lil Dave’s picked up two points in three games since joining the boys. Brandon Davidson’s a healthy scratch.

Tonight’s Opponent

Montreal Canadiens.

Why They Stink

My god, Ottawa passed them. And Carey Price isn’t even hurt yet. This team is so, so bad. Imagine having maybe the single greatest goalie of our generation and still finishing below a team whose first line centre is Derick Brassard? Chris DiDomenico returned to the ‘Chel following a six year sabbatical to play third line minutes for the Sens and Ottawa is still out-pointsing the Canadiens. Yes, we may currently be one point lower than the team we swept off the face of the planet, but at least they’ve had to win a miraculous nine straight to get there. The Sens have essentially been keeping pace with the Habs for the last 20 games. They average 41 fans per game. Their centre depth looks like this:

That’s humiliating. And truth be told, nobody deserves this form of humiliation like Habs Nation. These guys are all seven of the world’s major stinks (skunk, Halifax, expired milk, hydrogen sulphide, Rainmaker outhouse, decomposing flesh, Sam Bennett). The building will be about 70% full of Canadiens fans tonight, none of whom have ever once lived in Montreal, or Quebec, but cheer for a franchise because their grandparents hated the Leafs more. These are awful, horrible people who spend moire time shopping for articles of Habs apparel than they do in front of the television actually watching their team play. Fuck you guys. And speaking of them:

Why Their Fans Stink

What an iconic image. Nothing says “burn this fucking police car into the pavement!” quite like a tarpless bro holding a Habs flag. When we inevitably smash the Flames in the first round, let’s make it our mission not to go complete neanderthal and light shit on fire, especially police cars. God these guys are the worst.

I went to a Habs game once. They played the Coyotes. Long standing rivalry there. I was sitting in approximately Laval, so you can imagine what kind of animals were stationed around me. This one outstanding citizen persistently shouted “Mike Smith FAGGOT!” the entire night. Those were the only three words of English he knew, and he laughed like a goddamn hyena every single time. What a butthole of a fanbase.

Which Hab Sucks

My lord did you see their trade deadline? Holy shit nuts. The Oil made one move (sorry, Justine Fontaine) and still smoked the Habs on d-day. If there was a fourth liner/bottom pair defenseman available, Marc Bergevin found him. It’s like Marc Bergevin purposely took this team to hockey’s Chinese market to update their playoff wardrobe. Why buy one good player for the price of Matt Duchene when you could can get five knock-off players for low draft picks and underappreciated roster players. Montreal began by shipping a younger, right-handed shooting Jordie Benn plus a fourth round pick to the Stars for Jordie Benn. Misused forward David Desharnais got dealt to us for a guy who fell behind Eric Gryba on the depth chart. I thought Steve Ott retired three years ago but they gave Detroit a sixth rounder for him. I would have fired Bergevin on the spot but instead they allowed him to pick up Dwight King for some shit awful reason. And just when you thought they were done, they traded Sven Andrighetto (28 points, 83 games) for career bench warmer Andreas Martinsen (18 points, 110 games). This is the kind of atomic dump that GMs usually leave when they’re about to be canned but I think Bergevin actually believed this would keep them ahead of Ottawa.

Why They Might Not Stink

Well, the Oilers are piss against the East this year. I’m so excited to play the West until the end of the regular season. Much needed points coming in hot.

Roundup

Okay let’s not let Calgary stay ahead of us for long. I know it may sound greedy given the last decade of futile constipation but dammit do I ever want home ice in the first round. We’re thissssss close. It’s definitely obtainable so might as well go for it. And home ice against the Flames would be the actual dream. We’ve been playing extremely whatever lately but Friday night’s game was a demonstration of what life is like when we bring it on a regular basis. To quote the great Jackie Moon, we just gotta start hitting our threes!

More of this:

More of this:

And less of whatever that Islanders game was.

Prediction

Hometown hockey is in the beautifully indecisive city of Lloydminster, shoutout to the Cats! Oilers get them the W, 4-1. Don’t care who scores so long as Connor gets at least a couple and Iceman gets the W because I’m currently only one point up in fantasy and need this win to make the playoffs. If Klefbom kicked in one or two as well that would also help.

Also, a win vaults us back into second so forget about my personal needs for three seconds and lets just beat these bums into submission to reclaim our spot. Time to work.

 


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