The Morning After Blog: Touchdown At The Rog!

I love to say I told you so, but I told you so:

Most of the time I do these I make an extremely absurd and biased prediction based on my love for this team and my hate towards literally everyone else, but this is not one of those predictions. The Stars are a defensive liability. They’re built to allow players like Daddy to steamroll through whichever five idiots they have out there at any given time. Oil win 7-2. Statement game.

That’s why I pay myself the big cents. I don’t predict touchdowns lightly. Nope. I only drop seven bombs on nights where I know the boys are coming out with vengeance. The hockey world has been doing Calgary boners for about three weeks now. These boys know it. They’re forced to hear about it everywhere. You turn on Sportsnet, it’s all about the Flames. You turn on TSN and in between Matthews segments, it’s the Flames. Pick up the newspaper, Flames. Take out the trash, Flames. Wipe your ass, Flames. They’re everywhere. So, naturally, the fellas needed to come out and obliterate the Stars all the way to Blowout City, USA. Oh, and I’m now 2-0 on guaranteed win nights. Here we go:

1st Period

Big Pou got the boys going with his first goal since Easter:

Kassian with yet another point on that one. Points in three of his last four. Lil Dave making shit happen on the third line. Get it, Montreal. Get it.

Ever wonder what it looks like when Esa Lindell tries to cover Connor McDavid?

Well, it looks exactly like a career cut short. Klingberg took the penalty on the play, because if Daddy doesn’t score while using the MiG-25s, he’s at least sending someone to the sin bin. Or the tomb. Thoughts and prayers to the Lindell family.

Whilst on the power play, the Klefbomb was let loose:

That’s Oscar’s 12th on the year. He has more goals than Anze Kopitar, Joe Thornton, Loui Eriksson, and elite player Sam Bennett.

2-rip Oil

2nd Period

Daryl Nurse on a wrister from Bonnyville:

And another one:

And another one!!!!:

That’s Lil’ Dave’s third point in five games since joining the Oil. That’s the Big Rig’s 22nd of the year. Anaheim is literally paying him to battle them for a playoff spot. That was it for Antti Niemi’s night, as the Finnish bazillionaire gave up five goals on 20 shots. His GAA has jumped to 3.35, putting him dead last for goalies who have started more than 25 games, and just in front of human point night Ondrej Pavelec for goalies who have played more than eight. He makes $4.5 million.

We spotted the Stars a pity goal before the end of the frame, because I started Cam Talbot in my first round fantasy playoff series, and I needed the extra shutout point very bad.

5-1 for the fellas

3rd Period

It’s funny how the Oilers score a touchdown when the second line shows up to play. Looch was all over the place last night, and he helped set up Nuge’s 14th to make it 6-1. Annnnnnnd the McExtra Point is good!

Of course he needed to get in on the action, and of course our probably irrelevant seventh goal was a ridiculously saucy little passing play with el Grande Rig. Penny Oleksiak’s brother did not look good on that play, or just in the game in general, going dash 3 in 16 minutes of play. Woof. Dallas has just a miserably awful blue line, and that was demonstrated beautifully on basically every goal scored last evening. Anyways.

7-1 Oilers, final. Lol!

Final Thoughts

Calgary who?

That 7th goal was Connor’s team leading 24th, and that much needed point brought him back into a tie for the league lead with three-time Stanley Cup champion, one-time Olympic runner-up, one-time Olympic 2nd runner-up, alleged rapist, and cab-driver spokesperson, Patrick Kane.

That’s also the third time we’ve torched a team for seven this year, and the first time we did it to a team from outside of Calgary #tenstraight.

81 POINTS! Oh my mother of god, 81 points!! What is this witchcraft?! This is the first time we’ve accumulated over 80 points since I graduated high school. Back then, our kid line was Nilsson, Gagner, and Cogliano. Connor was 13. Steve Mason won the Calder.

Only five Oilers didn’t register a point last night (Letestu, Russell, Larsson, and the Matty brothers – Vegas and Ice). Matty Vegas might not have got on the scoresheet, but he did put Radek Faska into 2014:

St. Albert forever.

Zack Kassian had two points. He’s only eight away from matching a career high.


Jamie Oleksiak is fucking terrible. Holy man, that guy’s a whole lot of suck. Connor could finish the year with 1,100 points if he ends up on division rival Vegas. This literally happened:

I take back everything I’ve ever said about Luke Schenn: This guy is the worst player in the NHL. He’s so bad that Stars fans are legitimately contemplating whether or not they should put this oversized cruise ship on the wing. Luckily, Penny is out there saving the family name.

This was also a real thing. I am more than willing to loan our boy Hank to team Rogers Place for the playoffs if that means kicking the turbo idiot who currently operates the DJ booth right in the nads and all the way to Beaumont.

Spotted!! There’s a guy running around the Rog Mahal wearing a full blue tracksuit looking-like-thing and rocking duel-wielding signs pumping fans up for the playoffs. He also goes by the self-proclaimed title, “Superfan Magoo” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)!!!!!!!!

Not exaggerating when I say that this guy is an absolute maniac. Nobody was more fired up throughout the duration of at 7-1 dick kicking than Superfan Magoo. He was creating chants. He was waving his signs. He was screaming “PLAYOFFS!” at the top of his probably torched lungs. And I was loving every minute of it. The Rog NEEDS more Superfan Magoos. Also, his shoes light up. I’m not even a little bit kidding. Almost put Pizza Trav into cardiac arrest when the Rog lights shut off and his shoes lit up brighter than the High Level at night.

Hottest Tweet of the Night

Matt just missed the deadline for this baby. Luckily, I caught it:

McDavid/Crosby is #fakenews. Backlund and Ellen v. Crosby, however!!! Did somebody say, “Fireworks!!”?! Holy shit, I can’t wait for these guys to lose six straight.

If the game were a song…

Touchdown” – WillThaRapper

God that’s just a terrible song but I’ve already used TI’s “Touchdown” this year so we get this one today. Holy shit, that’s not music. Surprised the Oil’s DJ hasn’t dropped this yet.


Okay, THAT’S the Lucic we signed up for. Two primary assists, was all over the ice. He’s had a couple good games in a row now and we need that if we’re going to reclaim home ice over Calgary. Looch is last evening’s MOP.


Bunch of players had tremendous games but I’m giving the illustrious Gator’s Grinder of the Game to the one and only, Zack Kassian.

He’s been outstanding since being lined up with Lil Dave, and was out there creating business all night. Love when this maniac lets it loose, but also love when he pitches in on the scoresheet. Secondary scoring, courtesy of Zack Kassian. We traded Ben Scrivens to land this guy. He’s currently playing in the KHL.

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