Anaheim, I’m Coming For You: Your Oilers / Ducks Second Round Preview

I’ve honestly needed two full days to recover from Saturday night’s melee. Feels like I haven’t moved since Easter. Yesterday, I threw my perma-hungover butt on the couch and watched the Raptors beat the Bucks by 103. Wasn’t terrible. Also the Oil are undefeated in first rounds since 2003 so that really helped me get through what was otherwise a nuclear head annihilation. But Media Strike doesn’t pay me all those cents to watch the Raptors crush Milwaukee. They pay me for something like this:

Here’s the deal, I’m heading down to Anaheim tomorrow morning for game one. After 11 years of playoff celibacy I figured it was my moral obligation as a broke ass freelance Oilers blogger to fly down to SoCal and watch the fellas hammer the Ducks at the Honda Center. The House that Calgary Can’t Win In. I don’t have anything special planned yet. Might brainstorm a couple ideas on the plane. Might do a video blog. Haven’t really thought of anything because it’s all happened pretty fast. All I know is I’ll be the one on your TV yelling “Kesler Sucks!” when Daddy McMVP torches him for three and change in the first. And I’m going to enjoy the hell out of that. Orange Crush vs. Orange County. This series will be war. Let’s go.

Season Series

Anaheim: 2-1-2

Edmonton: 3-2-0

Two of those three Dubs came in OT. These teams are very good and very close. We were undefeated at home (both extra time wins) and 1-2 at the Pond. That’s one more win than Calgary’s had in their last 29 visits to Anaheim. Basically, all we need to do is win one game in Anaheim, because 2016-17 history tells us that Anaheim can’t win at the Rog Mahal.

Advantage, Oilers



The Ducks’ stars have predictably aged like non-refrigerated eggs over the past couple seasons. Getzlaf semi-salvaged his second straight dreadful year by turning on the jets in the final 60 days, and he still only finished with 15 goals. FIFTEEN!! Holy schnikes. Mark fucking Letestu had 16. Ryan’s previous season, which was also an unmitigated piece of god awful dog shit, saw him bury a whopping 13 times. He has 28 goals in his last two seasons of $8.25 million hockey. Patrick Maroon — who Anaheim is still paying for us to play with Connor — scored 27 this year. Getzlaf’s plummet from stardom has left many Ducks fans wondering why even bother keeping a 31-year-old who is clearly slowing down at a cataclysmic rate? “GET RID OF HIM!” Screamed Ducksfan222, moments after Ryan slipped like brother Chris on rain-covered turf, moments before what would eventually (seconds later) be the Connor-to-Leon OT heroics:

I can think of four more years and 8.25 million reasons why you can’t GET RID OF HIM! And we haven’t mentioned Corey Perry yet. The Spear God. Cheaper than an H&M t-shirt. Before Leon, there was Corey:

I’m legit hyperventilating just thinking about hating his guts for an entire series of playoff hockey. Look at this turbo weasel:

He’s the King Joffrey of professional hockey. This year, Corey Perry made $200,000 per point.

And shout out to all the reporters, out there making a series within a series that doesn’t actually exist:


Yep. This is the guy who’ll be shadowing Connor:

Why, it’s former Vancouver Canuck and hall of fame hardo, Ryan Kesler! Certified tough guy. Olympic silver medalist. Fights 5’10” sophomores with type-1 diabetes, gets clobbered. Kes successfully shutdown Connor up until about two games ago, when Daddy — the mutant fucking cyborg that he is — dropped a six bomb in six periods and four minutes, right up in Kesler’s $6.25 million face (hasn’t had 60 points since 2010-11). All it took was a couple games to scope him out, size up the opposition, and then boom. Six points in two games. Also Leon has collaterally deteriorated the Anaheim Ducks this season. Suck it, Ryan Kesler.


We have Connor McDavid.

Advantage, Oilers



Anaheim’s banged up defensive unit might mean increased minutes for this guy!:



King Oscar the Handsome is back! His well-documented alleged case of the shits has come to a close as Friggin Todd says he’ll be good to go for game one. Thank the Jesus.

Advantage, Oilers

And just for fun, here’s Kevin Bieksa getting his face reconstructed by Carrie Underwood’s husband:

Bieksa went to the Ryan Kesler School of Fighters Who Don’t Fight That Good, where he majored in Fighting Players Beneath His Weight Class, so it’s always a joy to watch a tooth fly out of his mouth.



John Gibson missed a bulk of the season because of injury so he’s rested and ready to go and ah, who the fuck am I kidding:


Advantage, Oilers



This might have been the only spot I gave Anaheim the edge. Carlyle has had playoff success with the Ducks after we FedEx’d them Chris Pronger on a silver goddamn platter. Plus Todd sometimes makes decisions that give me the ulcers. However, major points off for being genuinely terrible at cracking jokes:



Edmonton by default. Good one, Randy.

Advantage, Oilers

Series Prediction

We beat the Sharks in 6, just like in ’06, so Oilers in 5… just like ’06.


But really Oilers in 4. Light their world up, boys. See you in Orange County.

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