Live From Orange County, It’s Game One Let’s Go: Oilers @ Ducks

Sup, Edmonton? We’re live from Orange County on this spectacular Wednesday afternoon. It’s so damn hot and it straight up looks like Connor appreciation night at the Honda Center. Oil fans are pouring in by the thousands for game one of the second round. That’s what I’m talking about. Time to go do what Calgary hasn’t been able to do since a really long goddamn time ago. Orange and black are for Halloween, you clowns. The orange and blue have arrived.

Lineup

Oscar’s playing. That’s all.

The bigger story is out of Duck Land, where possibly two or THREE of their defensemen might miss tonight’s game because of injuries. If at least two of Fowler, Lindholm or Vatanen can’t go that means increased minutes for Kevin Bieska. My god. Live look at Bieksa trying to cover Daddy:

Tonight’s Opponent

Anaheim Ducks. Former home of the OG Bash Brothers but that title belongs to us now so.

 

Why They Stink

Probably my least favourite American team not named ‘Florida.’ They hover somewhere in the neighbourhood of Vancouver and Ottawa. Not quite Calgary or Winnipeg or Toronto or Montreal or the aforementioned Florida goddamn Panthers but they’re certainly within striking distance. Never been an easier team to universally despise. They had, hands down, one of the best logo-uniform combos in the history of the NHL and then stole that from us to rebrand the former eggplant and green masterpiece into a colour palette that would make Stevie Wonder say, “Did you even fucking try?” Black jerseys are the WORST. They’re nearly as lifeless as Kevin Bieska’s puckhandling ability.

On the ice, this team pays Ryan Getzlaf (15 goals), Corey Perry (19 goals) and Ryan Kelser (22 goals) an average of $8 million each. They also pay the Big Rig (27 goals) $500K to not play for their team. That Maroon for Gernat trade is starting to look slightly lopsided.

Why Their Fans Stink

Well, it’s the playoffs, it’s round two, and I think nearly half the fans at this arena are cheering for the Oilers. Come at me, Snoop.

Oh it’s gonna be fucking orange, boys.

Which Duck Stinks

Ducks. Plural. Two, to be exact. What imbecile (Bob Murray) thought it was a good idea to bring multiple Canucks over to OC? There are more chokers here than the Pint on a Saturday, and these two are the epitome of that:

Why They Might Not Stink

At least Bobby Murray avenged his destructively misguided managerial decisions by embezzling Rickard Rakell into a contract that should get his agent’s license revoked. That’s the kind of blatant culturalist corruption that would make Disney proud. Whatever.

Prediction

They’re not losing tonight. Not with me in the house. Not with Chris Scheetz in the house. This is basically a home game for the boys other than last change, and who really cares about that. There’s no Vlasic this round. There’s a million injured Ducks and they’re sending out a Canuck and two grandpas to defend Connor. Oilers win 4-3. We start at least three “Let’s Go Oilers” chants. Kesler comes out of the first leg -3 thanks to Connor McCyborg and his heroics. Kassian picks up where he left off with a goal of his own. Big Rig has a habit of murdering his former team as well so he gets a pair. I’m ready for this, Edmonton. Let’s go.

Still looking for Magoo.

He would love it here. I would love him here. Magoo forever.

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