The Morning After Blog: Started From The Bottom Now We Here

Sayo-friggin-nara, regular season. It’s time to shave those beards and buckle up for the long spring. Brace yourself, playoffs: the Oilers are coming.

Let’s just get this out of the way:

Start mentally preparing. National write-off day on Thursday, followed by the NHL almost psychotically giving the Oilers a game on a holiday Friday. Mother of God. Update your emergency contact lists, Edmonton. We’re going to the goddamn playoffs!!

1st Period

My good buddy Dick Bachman started in goal for Vancouver to close out their regular season. It didn’t start well.

Jordan Eberle from not even on your screen gets the boys on the board first on a shot-pass-that-was-actually-definitely-a-pass right off the life of career healthy scratch Luca Sbisa. This was the beginning of what would be a viciously cruel night for the Sbisa family.

Jordan’s only scored goals in three of his last 17 games but oh boy he has four in his last two. Heating up just in time to clobber the Sharks.

And it wouldn’t be a period of Oilers hockey without Connor nearly putting multiple players into retirement:

Dadddddddddddyyyyyy stopppppppppp. He didn’t score but that didn’t stop us from doing all the McBoners.

And if you look closely, that’s Luca Sbisa being left in the dust.

1-0 Oilers

 

2nd Period

Vancouver scored to open the period. Nobody cared.

Jordan Eberle put the Oilers back on top with this disgusting thing of disgustingness.

Rookie sensation Brock Boeser with the seeing-eye pass right on J-Ebs’ tape, who proceeded to fire it by both Dick Bachman and Luca Sbisa and into the ‘Nucks net. Vintage Jordan Eberle. Textbook Luca Sbisa.

And the fellas weren’t done. After Tony Time was halted by a coaching challenge, ugh, it was the ever unfortunate Luca Sbisa being impaled in front of 18,000 spectators once again:

Connor hitting the deke button playing musical chairs all over that stuffed animal Sbisa and feeding the Drake with a secksy little backdoor feed. We lost the draw. We still scored. Years ago (last year) that is a stretch feed to a wide open Daniel Sedin who buries his like 80th all time against the Oilers, and we don’t see it, because we’re on our laptops watching highlights of Europe’s top-10 prospects. These, ladies and gentlemen, are the 2016-17 Edmonton McOilers.

3-1 Oilers.

3rd Period

Hat Trick Etiquette, Vancouver. This is what you do:

You throw them. I know it costs $850,000 for a studio apartment on your goddamn island of a city but you can afford a $16 hat, you idiots. Jordan Eberle is somehow… miraculously… a 20 goal scorer this year. The fifth Oiler to hit the 20 goal plateau. The last time the Oilers had five 20 goal scorers? 2002-03, and oh boy, get ready for these names: Ryan Smyth, Anson Carter, Mike York, Mike Comrie, Todd Marchant.

Mike York. Hell ya.

Anyways.

Shortly after, Connor McShowStealer stole the show:

You can’t see, but Leon Draisaitl put that historic goal in. Leon’s 29th of the year. His 77th point. Those are big boy numbers. But, it’s all about Connor. First hundy point Oiler since Sir Douglas Weight. Mr. Art Ross; Mr. MVP; Mr. Edmonton. Connor 3:1-fucking-6 baby, let’s go. And yes, that’s Luca Sbisa with the dash. Casually retire.

5-2 Oilers because apparently Vancouver scored another one, final. Game. Season. Blouses.

Final Thoughts

47 wins hahahahahahahaha.

Connor McDavid finishes the season as the only player in the league with 100 or more points. Connor McDavid finishes the season as the only player in the league with 90 or more points.

And he may not be heavy, like Auston, but this is pretty cool:

Just edged out Busher “The Busher” Jackson and basically tied Keith Gretzky’s brother, no big deal. Busher is a FIRE name. Question: Has there ever been a bigger Billy Guerintee than Busher packing full lippers and not using a single spitter even once? Answer: Yes, it’s that Superfan Magoo is ready to blow the goddamn roof off the Rog Mahal.

Cam. Connor. Superfan Magoo.

Luca Sbisdash three.

The Canucks season, summed up in one gif:

Daddy’s 70 assists would have led 20 NHL teams in scoring. He’s 20-years-old.

And this is so many lols:

OH NO JACK!

Thoughts and fucking curly-headed prayers. Just two seasons into his tragically humiliating career and nobody’s been perpetually kicked harder in the nuts than Jack. Of course it was that goddamn sicko Connor who set up the goal that officially murdered Jack too. Unethically savage. First there was the draft. Then he strolled into Jack’s house and conceived approximately 18,000 children. He soaked that poor blonde in the first row. He stole all of Jack’s Tinder hunnies. Now he’s stealing Jack’s money too. The very epitome of subordinate life. RIP forever, Jack.

Hottest Tweet of the Night

Yep. Reminds me of that time the Fairy Godfather wrote us that “It’s only year four!” letter, except at least that was an attempt at sympathy. We couldn’t have done it without you?! Done what, exactly? Finish 13 games below .500? Finish the year on a 8 game losing streak? Pay Loui Eriksson $334,000 per point? I legitimately believe ol’ Frankie Aquilini thinks this year was a good step. As you can basically imagine, this went well:

And this for sure has to be a burner account run by the Aquilini Investor Group, because… well, you’ll see:

If the game were a song…

0 to 100 / The Catch Up” – Drake

One more time:

Lolololol 11 more points than the next closest player.

MOP

I actually don’t think Ebs has won an MOP this year, and even though it was Connor’s night, I’m giving it to Ebs for the hatty. Plus, nobody has been nakedly pulled through broken glass and back more than Ebs in his Edmonton career. He deserves this playoff appearance as much as any of us because quite frankly he is one of us. ‘Grats, Ebs. We made it.

GGG

Eric GryBOOM!


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