The Morning After Blog: Year of the Kassian

EDMONTON!!! Happy National Hangover Day! What a game. What a goddamn game. Shades of 2006 nostalgia filled the Rog Mahal and all of NoAL last night. The final score was 2-0. The final shots were 36-16. The final hits were 41-21. It’s rare because generally, when you outhit a team by that wide of a margin, you’re generally not possessing the puck. Yet, we outshot the Sharks by 20. Controlled every facet of the game. Funny, I didn’t hear the word “experience” once last night. Ugh. Hell ya. Let’s go.

1st Period

Started with… well, who else? The Kassassin:

This was the beginning of what would be a pretty above average night for Zack “the Maniac” Kassian. Setting the tempo by literally blowing up Brenden Dillon. His lifeless body spinning through the air was the perfect avatar for how the rest of the night would ultimately go for the Sharks. Cue the 104th Street Bullies:

Remember not that long ago (every year before this one) when teams exactly like San Jose would come into Edmonton and bully us out of the building? This was years in the making, folks. That’s what I’m talking about. Welcome back to the lineup, Matty Vegas. Scoreless after one, but my god did we ever let them have it.


2nd Period

For the second straight game, the Oil started the 2nd short handed. For the second straight game, a goal was scored in basically the first minute of the middle frame. But unlike game one, this was our game. Let the Kass loose:

His second b-way of the game and he made absolutely no mistake. Perfection. This was his night from the very beginning. He looked motivated. He looked intense. He went beast mode from puck drop and put the team on his back with the first shorty we’ve scored in playoff game since… you know:


Somewhere, probably inside the Rog Mahal, Fernando Pisani smiles. Zack Kassian looking like the lethal combination of ’06 Pisani and ’06 Torres in one game. My god. He wasn’t done. Time for bed, Birdcage:

Logan Big Chops was the next Kassualty. Edmonton started a “KASS-I-AN!” chant. Not that long ago, he was booed off the ice at the ol’ Concrete Jungle for dismantling Sam Gagner’s jaw. The statue of him parallel to the ice after bulldozing that functional idiot Logan Couture will look great beside Wayner’s one day.

1-0 Kassian

3rd Period

And then it was Daddy’s turn:

And it wouldn’t be a Daddy Special without a celly that sends the middle hand right to midnight:

And for your boner pleasures, listen to my good buddy Dave Randorf with the call, synchronized with the crowd’s reaction:



Final score: 2-0 rip orange guys AND THE FORD HALL ERUPTS IN A DANCE PARTY!!!!!!

Final Thoughts

Kassian forever.


You think the boys emasculated Saint Joseph or what?

BULLYING! That’s first degree bullying at its finest. Best part? I didn’t even notice this deliberate snowjob courtesy of Big Daddy Looch because of all the other shenanigans the fellas were pulling.

Speaking of Big Daddy, LOVED him cellying with the crowd after his man crush scored the game-sealing goal:


Mark Letestu. Point-per-game playoff player.

16 game point streak including playoffs for Daddy lol *barfs everywhere*. Meanwhile, Eichel’s tougher to find than Waldo.

Hottest Tweet of the Night


Hottest Butthurt Kassian Tweets of the Night

Jump Kassian? Micheal Haley?! Hahaha okay Saint Joseph. Here’s the deal: Zack won’t get suspended. He will keep playing physical. It will mentally cripple the entire Bay Area, all the way to Silicon Valley. I personally guarantee the Sharks crowd will boo him tomorrow, because of course they will. Every wonder what the penthouse inside the heads of another fanbase looks like? Get comfortable, Edmonton.

If the game were a song…

Friday night. Long weekend. First playoff win in almost 4,000 days. Yea. It’s Andrew WK time.

“Party Hard” – AWK


ENS 3rd Star

I don’t care if you make eight saves, if you take any team on a trip to Shutter Island – especially in the playoffs – you’re an ENS star of the game. The Iceman COMETH!

ENS 2nd Star

Daddy was flying, again. Stats don’t lie. He scores on one out of every four shots against Martin Jones. McDavid had two shots. He scored on his 2nd shot. It was his 4th of the series. Easiest prediction I’ve ever made. Let’s go.

ENS 1st Star

Game of his life:

He was everywhere, miraculously, in only 14 minutes of hockey. Seemed like he was out there every shift. He probably created four or five scoring chances on his own. Tied for the team lead with 6 hits. Second on the team with 4 shots. No giveaways. One HUGE goal. And one brand new Kassian face. Hell ya boys. Have a postseason, Zack. Long life the Kassassin.

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