Shark Tank Stranglehold: Oilers @ Sharks

Great effort last night, Calgary. As always, well done.


The fellas are back in Saint Joseph, California, and are looking to take home a commanding 3-1 series lead. I’m no expert, but something tells me a 3-1 lead heading back to the Rog Mahal would all but put this series to rest. Look at the west right now:

STL 3-0
NSH 3-0
ANA 3-0 (lols)

And right here, in the heartland of concrete, your Edmonton Oilers are leading a playoff series for the first time since we pulverized the formerly Mighty Ducks in ’06. That ‘C’ still stands for “choke”, Calgary. Game three at the Tank. Let’s go.


I’d be stunned if Friggin’ Todd rolled out any significant changes to a lineup that’s taken the defending Western Conference champs on back-to-back visits to the budding meadows of Shutter Island, but we might see a little shakin’ and bakin’ like we did on Sunday if we struggle to create any sustainable pressure. Matty Vegs staying in. Tony Sleps staying in. Most importantly:

Cam 3:16

The holy weekend is over. Nothing special about the Tuesday after Easter weekend. Can’t be relying on our good buddy JC to steal his distant cousin and the rest of the boys a couple close games anymore. Daddy’s been eerily quiet through three games thus far. In fact, Connor McPointsLeader has been held off the scoresheet 5v5 in the three games against Saint Joseph. He had 71 of those puppies in the Reg. Science tells us he’s moments away from spontaneous combustion.

Tonight’s Opponent

Oh, the Shark Tank!! So loud! So many noizzzzzzze!!

Hey there, Shark Zamboni man. You look soooooo good in that hat.


At any point in the night you could hear “Let’s Go Oilers!” from the International Space Station, in the Sharks own damn barn. They let us into their home. They fed us their concession food. They allowed us to consume their watered down American beers. And we repaid the Tank Faithful by making their dumb little Lite-Brite wristbands as irrelevant as their horridly useless power play. At least we took San Jose’s collateral blitzkreig to overtime in game one. I think they had a shot on goal in the second on game three? Not sure. I was too busy laughing at their 32 first period hits.

And I love that they had Micheal “I spell my dumb idiot name like Ferland” Haley take warmies as what one would assume was a humiliatingly feeble attempt to get in our heads. Oh NOOOO! Micheal Haley’s doing the butterfly drill!! What will we do?!?

Oh we’ll just show up and beat you with our third line for the second straight game. The legend of Zack continues. Meanwhile, the Sharks literally can’t score a goal.

Why We’re Taking a 3-1 Lead Back to the Rog Mahal

Well, our penalty kill has virtually eliminated the Sharks on its own. The boys have scored more shorties in three games than the idiot Sharks have with the man advantage. Yes. The Sharks have stormed to an impressive 1-14 on the PP to start this series. They’ve had seven more opportunities than us with the man advantage, and we’ve held them to three total goals in three games. Joe Thronton was plugged into the lineup for game three because the Sharks weren’t slow enough. Mikkel Boedker’s become a $4 million healthy scratch. Tomas Hertl’s missing a soul. Marty’s five hole has its own area code. And you can’t spell “Schlemko” without ECHL. Holy shit, has Dave ever had just a ridiculously awful series. He is the dead body in this Fernando Pisassian picture:

Eat that ice, Dave. Eat it. Or he will eat you:

But not before scoring two b-way goals en route to a 5-1 Oilers win amiright boys let’s go.

The Roundup


Haha, okay. Now back to the winner’s circle.

We’re up 2-1 and Connor has yet to retire Vlasic. But that doesn’t matter, because we have this guy:

The Kassassin. Scorer of five hole goals. Eradicator of human bodies. Stronger than the Whyte Ave push-up guy. Faster than a trip down the waterpark’s Skyscrapper. He’s the hero we need, and he’s almost single-handedly wheeling this team through the postseason — all for the price of Ben fucking Scrivens.

That, and Iceman’s 27 minutes away from breaking Cujo’s record for longest playoff s****** streak in Oilers history. Now I want you to close your eyes and think about how we’d be doing if Professor Scrivens was still our tendy. Actually, wait. Don’t do that. No negative thoughts leading up to game time.

Actually, wait again. Benjamin made all of his saves as an Oiler in one game against the Sharks. This is the team that couldn’t score on a guy who died via an errant stick from the blue line. No wonder they can’t score on the Iceman. The Tank freezes over tonight. The Iceman COMETH! Oilers by five.


Ya, that sounds nice. 5-0 good guys. Eat butt, Saint Joseph. This is our series. TAKE IT AWAY, MAGOO!


Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
Notify of