Connor McTurboRich

Obviously this deal won’t be official until July 1, but Daddy is on the verge of pulling in a cool $106 United States Dollars over the next eight years of his life. And before you get your CSA vests in a bunch:

You can still build a successful team around that because it’s literally been done before. And the deal doesn’t even kick in until next season. So, realistically, that percentage could drop even further if the cap continues to climb. We’ve just never witnessed a deal of this magnitude in Edmonton, but if you think this is the end of the world or if you think it’s impossible to win with a player making that much coin then there’s the figurative door. This is most certainly not the end of the world. Far from it, in fact. It’s never the end of the world as long as you have Connor McDavid. This is why you pay the man:

You pay the man whatever the hell he wants, or you don’t pay the man and then somebody else comes and pays him, and then we’re back to life without McDavid. Does everyone remember what that was like? I sure as shit do, and I can tell you with every ounce of fiber in my goddamn body that I want nothing to do with that time ever again. Paging 2014:

Thanks but absolutely no thanks. I’m more than fine with this deal because it serves as a reminder that the 20-year-old who just led the league in scoring by double digits is still on our team. In fact, I’m so fine with this deal that I’m barely even thinking about it. When we drafted Connor nearly two years ago to this day I always imagined him signing his first deal to any dollars he wanted and me casually shrugging it off as if it was any other contract, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Calgary can sign every Fooking idiot free agent they want and they’ll still never have the Kamikaze we have in our fleet for at least the next eight years.

This, on the other hand, would be about the equivalent of a ruptured appendix:

So, in the extremely hypothetical yet still borderline horrifying scenario where another team comes in and offers Leon a Pablo Escobar plane full of money, the Oilers will be stuck in a very uncomfortable and probably lose-lose situation. On one hand, you don’t want to lose Leon for four first round picks. As we all know, first round picks are always a gamble. Take a look at Nail Yakupov as he contemplates a ticket to the KHL or worse, Vancouver. On the other hand, paying Leon Draisaitl almost $10M would actually cripple the fellas. If they can somehow keep it to $7M (or for the love of all things God, $6.5M) then we’re coming out rather unscathed. If not, the Pistol’s going to have to get extremely creative, and we better pray the Canadian Dollar skyrockets in the next few years, driving the salary cap up with it.

Anyways. Here’s a reassuring pat on the back that things will be okay, and one more casual reminder that we have Connor McDavid and nobody else does:

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