ENS Headlines 06/09/17

Hey guys!

First off, apologies for the extended vacation. It was supposed to be two weeks, and then I don’t know. I just stayed on vacation. Welcome to blog life sometimes.

Now then. In an effort to drive content up, I’ll be posting daily (Monday-Friday) “newsletter” types of blogs with news, headlines and just general shit about the Oil and the entire world of sports. They’ll be published at noon (or aroundish, because ENS) so that you can get caught up on all the happenings while you bang out lunch at work or at school or on the couch or whatever it is you do while eating your mid day meal. It’ll start with a lead story, move into some minor headlining stories, then finish with some Oilers history for your enjoyment. We’ll start this shindig on Monday, but I figured I’d give you a teaser before heading into the weekend.


Lead Story

Two days ago, Brian Burke spoke to the Calgary media about the CalgaryNEXT project. The presser started off with the usual rhetoric. How arenas produce serious revenue (classic), how council provides public funding for other useless shit (classic), and of course, how the Flames will bolt the living daylights out of town if Calgary’s city council fails to provide adequate public funding for the arena (ultra classic).

Best part is, Burke isn’t in any position to be making those threats. This guy, the goddamn President of Hockey Operations, is out there in front of cameras with his smug face and his undone fucking tie making threats that aren’t even his to make. Hear it from Ken King, the majority owner of the Calgary Flames:

So no. The Calgary Flames are not and will not ever move. Period. Shut up if you believe anything else. They could play in that Saddledump until Connor’s grandson retires and they still won’t leave Calgary. “But why, Shanny? Burke seemed so gosh darn adamant about the team relocating without a new arena! It must be true!” False. Textbook fake news. Here’s the scenario:

The CalgaryNEXT project and their little wannabe Rog Mahal dream world is an absolutely horrific business plan. They want to build a very expensive rec centre on flood lands that will host both the Flames and the Stamps. Yes, the Stamps. For some imbecilic reason the CSEC wants to build a new stadium for the CFL team too. Now look, I’m as big of a three-down fan as anybody. But come the hell on. Outside of the province that’s shaped like a fucking box there is no way in hell a CFL team can produce enough income to subsidize a $500-million facility. Grow up. And that’s IF their rec centre hits their original estimate of only about $900 million big ones. As of last month, new estimates predict the cost of CalgaryNEVER hitting about $1.8 BILLION!!! TRES COMMAS!!!

Oh, and a cool $1.3 billion of that will fall on the taxpayers shoulders, all because they’re also trying to finance the House that Bo Levi built hahaha okay. Nice try, CSEC.

That said, anybody who’s anybody who’s been to the Saddledome knows what kind of a gargantuan shithole that building is. It looks even worse now that the cool older brother up north has a brand new palace and the Flames are still stuck in a dumpster. Calgary finished in 26th last season and still generated USD $121 million in revenue. In fact, they’ve eclipsed over $100 million in every full season since 2010, all while playing in not-even-arguably the worst arena in the NHL. Moving will not financially benefit the Flames. In fact, after paying the inevitable relocation fee, it might actually hurt them. They don’t need a new arena; they just want one, and are currently being a turbo brat suffering from an extreme case of little child syndrome about it, all because we got ours. Suck it, idiots.

 

But if I’m being completely honest with you guys, I don’t want the Flames to move. Not now. Not next year. Not in three years. Not ever. I need the Flames like Larry needed Magic. Like Ali needed Frazier. Like Tiger needed Phil. Like Seabiscuit needed War Admiral. Like Jim needed Dwight. Like Ash needed Gary. I need this rivalry to keep me going. Nothing makes it stiff quite like the Battle of Alberta on a Saturday night. I’m like this close to retiring Matt Tkachuk’s number in the rafters as an all time, hall of fame fart-sniffing shit dick, and I’m telling you straight up I wouldn’t despise the bum nearly as much if he’s all the way in Quebec. Little Johhny? I’d probably like him if he’s elsewhere. I don’t want that. I don’t want that at all. So I’ll go and petition the Flames to stay in Calgary if I have to. But I won’t, because they aren’t going anywhere. And in four years, when they give up on this stupid NEXT project and build the hockey team a decent-but-still-shitter-than-the-Rog arena, you’ll see.

One-Timers

Pittsburgh murdered the bejesus out of Teeps’ Preds last evening. The six goal margin marks largest blowout in the Cup Finals since Boston clobbered Vancouver 8-1 back in game three of 2011. That was a great series. Loved the ending.

Anyways. Sidney Crosby had himself a helluva game. The former kid had three assists and threw one water bottle onto the ice in 18 minutes of play. He also fired three shots on goal, and an unprecedented 10 shots to the back of PK Subban’s skull:

Both Crosby and Subban were penalized on the play.

Jultz has never lost a playoff series in his career. Undefeated. Let that one sink in for a moment.

With a win tonight, Golden State could become the first team in the big four, four round, best of seven playoff format to go a perfect 16-0 en route to a league title. That’s about the only thing exciting left in the NBA playoffs: history. This year’s NBA playoffs were all the suck. And they’ll probably lose tonight, too. Then it’ll go back to being the most boring playoff run in the history of professional sports.

ICYMI, Edmonton was awarded the 2018 Grey Cup! Ohhh baby!!! 2018 is going to be one epic goddamn year for Edmonton sports when the Oilers parade down Jasper with el Stanely in June, and now the ‘Skos winning the Grey Cup on home tundra in November.

Speaking of the ‘Skos, their three-down season kicks off Saturday, June 24, with a road game against the BC Lions. The CWS home opener goes Friday, June 30, with a visit from the Montreal Alouettes. All Eskimos home games this season will be played on either a Friday or a Saturday night. Dear God.

Another NHL prospect and future probably Flame failed to do a pull-up at the NHL combine.

That’s Casey Mittelstadt, and Craig Button has him hovering around 9th spot. I will hyperventilate to oblivion if he drops to 16 and the Flames take him. It will seriously make my year. He also kind of looks like Sammy No Chin-Ups:

This Day in Oilers History

June 9, 2000: Head coach Kevin Lowe gets promoted to general manager, replacing the legendary Glen Sather. Lowe would manage the team for 18 years before becoming team president of hockey ops in 2008, and replacing himself with Steve Tambellini. That was a fun time, wasn’t it? (It wasn’t).

Since rejoining the team in 1996, Kevin Lowe has been a player, an assistant coach, a head coach, a general manager, a president, and now a something else. He hasn’t left. What in the actual god?

Remember that Oiler?

Igor Ulanov!

Igor the Conqueror played parts of four seasons with the Oil, registering a scorching 11 goals while adding 42 assists. On December 19th, 2005, in an epic battle against Calgary, Igor buried two goals. That was 66.6% of his 2005-06 goal total, and the only multi-goal game of his illustrious NHL career. This was the only video highlight I could find of the man, filmed on what appears to be the camera work of a Motorola RAZR.:

God ya. The only highlight I could find is ol’buddy Igor being feebly pushed off the puck behind the net in OT on a play that directly resulted in the game winning goal against. Igor forever.

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