The Oilers New Uniform: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

When Daddy blows by Dougie Hamilton while simultaneously making Mike Smith look like a fucking streetlamp, he’ll be doing so in a redesigned Oilers jersey. The much-anticipated debut of our new orange home sweaters came last night, and surprise, it’s basically the exact same thing as that hideous looking leak we saw just a few days ago. I’m not going to lie, this sweater has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. When I found out it was at least very similar to the leaks, I thought shit. Not like “oh crap,” but literal shit. Then I saw them from a few different angles and convinced myself that I overreacted a bit and ultimately it won’t matter what we’re wearing when we cruise to a 116 point season next year and Daddy leads the league by 37 points. Then, like basically all things Oilers and me, it turned into me thinking that these are the greatest jerseys ever worn in hockey history and all teams should be ashamed that they aren’t us. Then I woke up today and thought shit again.

As you’d expect, the fans were not really that pleased:

At least these things provided a momentary distraction from Kris Russell and Jordan Eberle. It was starting to get boring launching a daily assault on Jimmy Hot Takes’ Twitter account for believing the Oil would sign Krizzz to a 4×4 and trade Eberle for Cody Eakin straight up. Now we can collectively hate these jerseys together until like two days from now when Jumbo Jim fires his hot takes all over our feeds again. Great! Good stuff!!

Anyways, here are the good and the bad and the damn ugly from our new tarp:

The Good

NO WHITE COLLAR!

Oh thank so much of the God. If there was one thing that would turn me off wanting to watch Daddy shred ankles next season it was definitely that thick, grisly white collar we all agonizingly saw in the leaked image. And it doesn’t exist. Thank Christ. In fact, this current collar might actually be better than our previous one, which featured a blue-orange-blue three-striped pattern. I like the addition of a small white tracing, similar to the one featured on our shoulders.

Speaking of the shoulders, I like that the numbers have been moved down. Not that I didn’t mind the numbers on the shoulders, either. In fact, I kind of liked them up there. But I feel like I was in the minority there. Here, I think we can all agree the numbers look sharp where Adidas has placed them. Big fan of that, well done.

The Bad

Okay, so the rest of it kind of stinks. I’ve jumped back and fourth and back again and fourth again on the navy blue and to be completely honest, like Guinness, it’s a little too dark for my liking. I showed a few people the new tarp yesterday and they all thought the blue was black. And now all I can see is black. And orange and black is Philadelphia. And Brandon fucking Manning plays for Philadelphia. Goddammit.

This is clearly blue… our blue:

 

Ugh. Sex.

And this… well this is a very dark blue:

Also, what in the fuck is with the contrasting font colours between the name plate and the numbers? Hard no. I’m not into that. The blue outline with white font looks so not good, and it looks even worse with the colour combination it should be literally stationed 2 inches below it. That’s what Calgary does, you imbeciles. We copied Calgary. We fucking copied Calgary. Have fun sleeping tonight.

The Ugly

Woah those stripes STINK. At first I thought I could get used to them. Like, all it would take is Con-Daddy putting four behind that blabbering buffoon Mike Smith on opening night and I’d call those shit ugly stripes iconic and forget all about the thick blue ones that were the former placeholder between the two thin whites. However, this guy tweeted a picture of what the jerseys would look like had we decided to go with the thick blue stripe instead, and now these are legit the only things I can think of:

Annnnd those are exactly what our jerseys needed to look like. Needless to say I’d trade Jordan Eberle an future goddamn conditions for that jersey right now. And I don’t have to work for Adidas to tell you how many more boners the fans were doing to that puppy:

Ya, Christ. I think we can all agree that the stripes were a huge miss by both the Oilers and Adidas. It’s as if Adidas needed to get their three stripes in somewhere… hmm.

Final Grade: C-

Not horribleeeeeeeeee, per se, but God it’s not that good either. Like… why mess with a good thing? We had it right last year. We haven’t had anything right in a goddamn decade but dammit, we have Connor and we had those eye-catchingly beautiful sweaters. Was it really necessary to change it this much?*

 

*Yes, Daryl needs dat tarp money to pay for his extracurriculars, and he knows damn well that monstrosity of a shit-up will sell by the millions all because Connor.