A Disturbing Amount of Former Oilers Were Named to Canada’s Olympic Exhibition Teams

I hope you’re happy, Gary Bettman. If this steaming piles of regurgitated donair vomit is any indication of what our Olympic roster will look like then I’m teetering on the line of being cautiously pessimistic about our odds of winning a third straight gold medal. I’d demand that I separate myself from the failures and the slightly possible success of this club if not for the fact that this butthole of a debacle is not even close to being their fault. Sure, those 45 names look like the script of a Shakespearian play rather than the list of players who’ll play for a country that is seeking its natural hatty of gold medals, but if we had it our way it’d be Sidney Crosby centering Connor McDaddy combining to fucking obliterate the US like it’s 1814. Instead, it’ll be NHL16 computer simulated names like Brandon Buck and Jacob Micflikier, the latter of which I’m near-factually convinced isn’t a real fucking person, competing for a spot to represent the red and white. And you know what? I’m ready for it. In fact, MORE than ready for it. I’m going to embrace the living daylights out of being the underdogs in this tournament because that’s what I’m supposed to do as a Canadian and because I rest all of the blame on Gary Bettman’s dwarf-sized shoulders for Canada’s roster mirroring that of a DEL2 team. That blabbering imbecile. This is the USA’s best and probably only chance at a gold medal ever because if anything Gary can sleep easy knowing they won’t have (trigger warning) Cam Barker patrolling the blue line and Ben Scrivens getting sniper-rifled by an errant stick from outer space.

 

Speaking of those two PTSD throwbacks, Sean Burke has dug up a disturbing amount of former Edmonton Oilers on Canada’s parody 45 man exhibition roster. The aforementioned Cam Barker will be tasked with leaving his cross-cultural peers absurdly wide open in the slot, and despite playing like the reincarnated version of Jesus the Goalie for 60 minutes once, here’s Ben Scrivens being Ben Scrivens all of the other times:

Burrows must have let one tornado of a fart loose for Big Ben to launch back behind the goal line in such a dramatic and efficient way, oh and the puck went dead straight into the middle of the net. Other notable former Oilers include: Derek Roy, Gilbert Brule, Bob Klinkhammer, Taylor Beck, and the epitome of horse piss, Marc-Antoine Pouliot.

Now the good news is, this is not Hockey Canada’s final list of players who’ll be competing to wear the red and white in South Korea. This is only the “we need to build an exhibition roster based on what’s available and my God it’s a category 9 disaster but yolo so Paul Szczechura it is!” But if this is something like what we can expect, then oh boy. Remember the ‘Here Come the Oilerz’ era? This looks like the goddamn sequel. Cam Barker coming in HOT!

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