If Oilers Players Were ‘Game of Thrones’ Characters…
We’re two sleeps and approximately 48 hours from the highly anticipated return of TV’s juggernaut. Winter is here, in the middle of July, and for the next seven Sundays many of us will be locked in when Ramin Djawandi’s fire cello theme song banger starts cooking at 9 p.m.
The fantasy nerd and hockey nerd in me have bred this sure-fire abomination of a blog. This is what we get when the fellas biggest wave in the last six days has been winning the Yohann Auvitu sweepstakes (GREAT depth signing by the way, Oilers in 4). So here is my cross-cultural mix of sports and fantasy fiction. Winter is here, baby. Let’s go.
Warning: Obviously there’ll be some spoilers here. If you haven’t caught up to or watched Game of Thrones, grow the hell up. It’s 2017 and that’s your own damn fault.
Connor McDavid – Jon Snow
Duh. The parallels are quite immaculate. The new King in the North, Jon, essentially guaranteed as being Azor Ahai — the one who will lead Westeros through the long night. Edmonton being the NHL’s most northern city, and Connor, being the one who has already led Edmonton through the longest playoff drought in franchise history. Jon, who slices through White Walkers like bread.
Connor, who slices through defensemen like they’re in Junior C.
Jon, resurrected from the dead to defeat Ramsay Bolton. Connor, resurrected from a broken clavicle to defeat his 887 subordinates. They’re practically brothers.
Cam Talbot – The Night King
Because the Iceman cometh. Especially this season.
Kailer Yamamoto – Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion’s IQ is through the roof, and the same can be said about Kailer’s hockey IQ. Both have been underestimated at times, but neither should be taken lightly. They’re very good at what they do.
Oh and they’re both just little ol’ things. People for ants.
Milan Lucic – Bronn of the Blackwater
Bronn will protect you beyond the fullest of his ability, much like Milan Lucic. His services will also put a heavy dent in your bank account, much like Milan Lucic. Pretty sure these were the exact words he said to Pistol Petey in his end of season interview:
Patrick Maroon – The Hound
Basically sums it all up.
Zack Kassian – the Mountain
The Hound’s crazy, demented, psychotic, fearless, mutant-killer of a brother. Once almost dead, the Ser Gregor Clegane aka the Mountain was brought back to life even more powerful than before. Zack was once believed to be done and out of hockey, but now he’s back and is a critical piece of the Oilers everyday lineup. But most of all, neither of them are about playing no shit:
Kris Russell – Jaime Lannister
Yep. Jaime is everything there is about our boy Kris. Some can’t stand him. Others love him. You might not like what they both do for a living (Jaime – Pushed an 8-year-old out of a window, captured Ned Stark, bones his sister… Kris – Turnover capital of Rogers Place) but I think we can all agree that once we got to know them, they’ve both turned out to be pretty good guys. Everything they do, they do for their family. Regardless of your opinions on the stat, Kris blocks shots for his family: the team. Jaime endangers Starks and slays kings for his family, again, like it or not. Fact is, nobody has grown on me like Jaime has from the first episode until now, and that’s been a pleasant surprise. I have faith that our boy Kris Russell will do the same.
Oscar Klefom – Daenerys Targaryen
It’s not a secret that Oscar is probably, outside of Tony Slepyshev, the most handsome guy on the team, much like Dany is one of the smokest of smoke characters on the show. But they’re both way more than that. Dany has used her powers to harness one of the greatest armies ever assembled, and is coming to Westeros to (literally) light the world on fire. Oscar is back there showing the hockey world that he’s the leader of our blue line, and his army behind him is better than it’s been in years.
Jesse Puljujarvi – Podrick Payne
They both fuck.
Matt Benning – Gendry
GENDRY! Remember Gendry?
Last time we saw Gendry he was rowing to who the fuck knows where. Davos allowed him to escape the Red Woman’s grasp, and he hasn’t been seen since. But don’t sleep on Gendry. Remember, this is Thrones we’re talking about here. Everything happens for a reason. Rumour has it Gendry is coming back for season 7. Only a select few know who he is, and what he’s capable of. Kind of like Matty Benning in Edmonton. He’s not too well-known around the league, yet. But we know this dude can play with the best of them. They’re both about to make some names for themselves. There’s king’s blood in Gendry, and there’s Saint’s blood in Matty. St. Albert forever.
Jussi Jokinen – Euron Greyjoy
The new kid on the block, and he’s way more dangerous than people give him credit for.
Darnell Nurse – Grey Worm
Because they both defend things? Na, because they look exactly like each other:
Leon Draisaitl – Samwell Tarly
I know what you’re thinking. Sam has felt like a useless sub-plot for about three seasons now, even when he was carried by Jon Snow. Now he’s away from the action and everybody’s been left wondering what the point of his character is. But Sam is a guy who might be more critical to achieving the ultimate goal than people give him credit for. Sam’s a White Walker killer. Leon’s a Duck killer. We’ll need them both if we’re going to save Westeros/get out of the Pacific Division. Also Sam is Jon’s (Connor’s) best friend so.
Ryan Nugent-Hopkins – Arya Stark
These two have been through hell and back. Arya with all the shit she’s been put through. Nuge having to endure the ‘Here Come the Oilerz’ years. Now Arya is free,free of all the distractions that had been holding her back, free of all the people who told her what she needed to be, and she’s out for blood as this reborn, badass assassin out there taking names (literally) and slitting throats. In comes our man Nuge. Nuge is the last man standing from the Oilerz regime. Hall is gone. Ebs is gone. Yak is gone. It’s incredible to think that Nuge is now the longest serving Oiler. And just in time for the boys to get very, very good. Much like Arya, this could be Nuge’s year for vengeance.
Andrej Sekera – Hodor
He doesn’t say much, but he has a big purpose. Hodor carried Bran on his back, and Rejy carried Kris Russell on his back. You wish Hodor never had to hold the door, just like you wish Rej never had to hit all those shin pads.
Matt Tkachuk – Ramsay Bolton
Ya, I know the title indicates this was for Oilers only, but I had to incorporate a villain, to some degree. Ramsay is perfect for Matt Tkachuk. Ultimate villain. Ramsay was so villainous he made us forget who the OG villains were for two straight seasons. Nobody outside of the Dreadfort (Dreadfort, Saddledome, perfect) liked him. Ramsay crowned himself lord for like five minutes before a resurrected Jon Snow (Connor McDaddy) rose from the dead and fucked his world right up. He was then eaten alive by dogs, and died on the spot. Okay, no more non-Oilers.
Johnny Gaudreau – Olly
Alright, one more non-Oiler. I’d be damned if I didn’t mention that Johnny Gaudreau was Olly. Look at this little fucker:
Jon kills him too.
Lenny Petrell – Brienne of Tarth
Okay okay okay, I know Lenny doesn’t play for the boys anymore, but come on:
Lenny is a MIRROR image of Brienne the Beauty.