Days Until Opening Night: 44, Zack Kassian
Before we begin, I skipped a couple of days because it’s summer and I’m on vacation, so whatever. Here’s who I missed:
47 – Marc-Andre Cost Us A Cup:
46 – Zack Stortini’s hugs:
45 – Mark Fistric. Watching Mark Fistric defend was worse than staring at that eclipse for two hours without any scientifically prescribed sunglasses. God he sucked.
Today’s Player: BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!:
That was the greatest thing ever. Normally I try to make this player someone we’ve tried to forget but can’t, because Oilers. But not today. Not on day 44. I could have made this one another fan-turbo-favourite, Janne Niinimaa. I could have made this player Corey Potter and his stupid goddamn skate blade that nearly cost Taylor Hall his once in a lifetime chance at playing for 30 consecutive 30th place teams. I could have even made this player that Judas loving traitorous scum butt, Chris Pronger. But I didn’t. Zack’s earned this day. He earned it well before he almost-singlehandedly eliminated the Sharks, and well before he scored that out-of-body experience breakaway goal against the Ducks. He earned it the day he pile-drove Oliver Ekman-Larsson into Tuscan, then subsequently fired his mitts off like they were literally on fire and one-punched Anthony Duclair’s career back to Novice B. This is when I knew that the days of Nikita Nikitin tripping over blatant objects in his own zone were finally over. No more suffering. No more February nights scanning over the 20XX top prospects list. No more inexplainable regulation losses to the 27th place Coyotes. As Detective Allen Gamble aka Gator once said, no more playing no shit. It’s Kassian’s world, and everybody is tasting it:
Just ask these idiots:
Career as an Oiler:
Souls eaten: 1:
*Approximately 18 disallowed.
Where is he now?
Somewhere between the third and fourth line, patiently waiting 44 more days to let the dogs out on Matt Tkachuk, Johnny Lady Byng, and my personal nemesis, Micheal Ferland.
Also, he’s been spotted out on the water with fellow bash brother, the Big Rig, and a really goddamn cute dog.
GOOD BOY!!! Just out there casually enjoying his summer on the lake with his bros, his dog, and his O’Doul’s. The Kassassin way.
Did you know?
Zack rocks a very mean Christmas sweater: